How much intimacy do you want in your marriage?

Although you may talk about wanting intimacy with your spouse, you may need to consider if that’s really what you want. Intimacy means you’ll have to be vulnerable with them and they with you.

It means that the two of you will have to bond over more than just having kids, playtime and a mortgage together. The two of you will need bonds at a deeper level than that if you want to keep your marriage alive.

In order to have that kind of intimacy, first you have to consider whether you and your spouse are capable of such bonding.

Can you handle someone getting to know you that well? When they get to know the ‘real’ you with all your quirks, fears, and idiosyncrasies, will they still accept you and love you?

When you bond at that level, you also have to be able to allow them to be who they are. They are not a mere extension of you.

They also have their quirks, fears and idiosyncrasies. You’ll have to accept them the way they are and the way you are.

The two of you will also  allow the freedom of expressing both pleasure and displeasure with what you like or don’t like. The two of you  give each other the freedom to be honest with each other.

If you’re looking for someone to control or look good with, then this kind of intimacy is way beyond where you are living.

This also requires honesty with yourself about whether or not your spouse is capable of that kind of intimacy as well. Some people are not capable of that kind of intimacy.

They get close enough for sex or to share a few secrets and that is as far as they go. That is as far as they are capable of.

I mention the question about intimacy so that you can adjust your expectations tin meeting the abilities of you and your spouse. You may have a lot in common with the couples in the self-help books, but there are many areas where you’re different.

Consider the uniqueness of you, your spouse and your marriage. If neither of you are capable of such intimacy, you may have to be content with just sharing children, playtime and a mortgage together.

There’s nothing wrong with that. You have to adjust your expectations of intimacy with the levels of intimacy that the two of you are capable of.

In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop”, I go deeper into ways of improving your intimacy. One area damaged by affairs is intimacy. Most couples want it, yet have no idea of how to go about restoring it.

Rather than settling for the intimacy that’s left, there are things you can do which improve it.

Best Regards,

Jeff