Do you change your spouse or your Marriage?

 

When you’re working on making changes after the affair, “Do you try changing the person or the relationship?” Focusing on the wrong object brings frustration and aggravation. It also slows down any forward progress in your marriage.

This isn’t merely an intellectual exercise, considering whether to focus on the ‘person or the relationship’. Considering the question will help you maintain your focus.

You have plenty of issues distracting you from the task of improving and healing. Anytime you start making changes, there will be resistance. The resistance to change is part of what keeps things unhealthy.

Resistance often shows up in the form of arguments, fights, distractions, avoidance, game playing and manipulations. There will be resistance to changing either the person or the relationship.

When you try changing both, you’ll experience a double dose of resistance. Most people are worn out with one dose of resistance. Bringing a double-dose is asking for trouble.

Any good sailor know that you need to check your bearing often, especially in stormy weather. In a similar manner, you need to check your objective for your marriage.

You need to keep the main goal in mind. By maintaining your focus, you will be able to better stay ‘on course’.

Although you want the cheater to change who they are, your efforts at you making that happen will come to naught. They will need to change who they are.

What you need to focus on is “Changing the relationship, NOT the person“.

You can change the relationship by changing how to talk to each other, how you interact with each other, and how the two of you work together. As the relationship changes, the person will make adjustments and changes.

You can’t change the cheater.  You can only change yourself, how you interact with them and think about them. As you change those interactions and thinking, you start changing your marriage.

One area needing change is that of trust. In the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?“, you’ll learn ways of making that happen. Trust, is a part of your marriage that can change.

Knowing where and how to make such  changes makes all the difference. Rather than taking a hit or miss approach, you can instead learn from experience and know exactly where change is needed.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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