[Affair Recovery Radio] Picking up Strange Baggage

When traveling, you’re warned not to pick up strange bags. When I hear that, I considered it wonderful advice.

With affairs, there is the temptation to pick up strange baggage. Out of misplaced guilt, cheaters often take on the lover, with all their baggage, children and problems.

They feel like they ‘Owe it to them!” They don’t realize that it’s always better to create your own baggage than to take on someone else’s. The problem is that your spouse’s baggage becomes yours as well.

So how can you avoid picking up strange baggage?

Picking up Strange Baggage <<– listen to the audio here

Hello, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you are here today. The podcast that we’re going to be focusing on today is picking up strange baggage.

Any time you go to an airport, especially an international airport, you’re warned about not picking up strange bags. I recall hearing this very plainly on a trip when I went to London. When I heard this over the loudspeaker I realized “Hey! That’s just some wonderful advice”.

With affairs, this has many applications. In an affair situation there’s always the temptation to pick up strange baggage.

Sometimes it’s a matter of misplaced guilt, and as a result of that cheaters take on the lover and all the baggage. And by the baggage, it may be children, it may be other emotional things. It could be all their financial debts.

Baggage includes many things.

The really bizarre thing is that, in picking up this baggage,  the cheaters often say that they owe it to them. It’s almost like they feel this obligation and sense of debt, which totally blows my mind.

Rather than honor their obligation to you, they want to turn around and honor this obligation to this other person, to the lover. And they don’t realize that it’s always better to create their own baggage than to take on somebody else’s baggage.

Simple little things, like don’t pick up strange baggage, just take care of your own baggage, that’s not registering in their minds. Their minds are scrambled at that point.

This presents difficulties for you because any time your spouse picks up baggage it often becomes your baggage as well. So you’ve got to deal with the question “How can you avoid picking up strange baggage?”

The solution is just say NO to baggage and puppies. I say baggage and puppies, no matter how cute the puppy is, no matter how cute this baggage is, you’ve got to have the resistance to say no.

A lot of times they call it sales resistance, you can call it guilt resistance. Whatever kind of label you want to use, you’ve got to be able to say no.

The way to do that.

  1. Set and maintain clear boundaries. This includes phone calls, communication, time, and finances. You’ve got to have clear boundaries. With affairs, many times there is this, I tend to use the term bleed-over, you can use the term creep, the cheater’s baggage has a way of creeping into your life. And boundaries are a way to keep that creep, keep that bleed-over, to a minimum.

2. Resist the pleas to be fair, to be caring, to be compassionate. The cheater’s going to hit you with these things. Be realistic, be fair, be compassionate.

You’ve got to realize this is an emotional ploy. Massive amounts of mischief have been done under these flags.

If you’re going to care about them, care about them from a distance. That does not mean you have to get involved. I know that the kids may need to be cared for. It’s not your job. Care for them, but do so from a distance if you feel like you need to.

So resist these pleas to be fair, because so many times people have been set up with those types of things.

3. You’ve got to be okay with “no” and saying no. It’s better to be called a bitch or a bastard on the front end than having to clean up the baggage for years, or in some cases it’s a lifetime.

It starts so easy on the front end. The lover has a troubled kid that you’ve got to take care of and be compassionate about. And it can end up being a lifetime project taking care of that problem, that child, that ailing parent. Whatever it is.

Learn how to say no.

Once again, just say no to the baggage and puppies. You do that by setting and maintaining boundaries, resisting the pleas to be fair, and being okay with no.

These are things that you can do right now, because I know before you tell the cheater no you’re going to have to start saying no in your own mind before it comes out. So start now. Being able to say no, being able to resist, being able to set those boundaries.

These are things that you can do right here and now.

One of the consequences of picking up strange baggage is damaged trust. If the trust in your marriage has been damaged, you need help. The video “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you through the steps needed in rebuilding trust.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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