The guilt of cheating on your spouse

When your start experiencing guilt after cheating on your spouse, it is a call to action. Avoiding it or masking the sensations only makes things worse. When these sensations hit, you may wonder how to deal with them.

First, go to your spouse. Admit what you have done. Acknowledge that it was ‘wrong’ , validate their feelings and then ask their forgiveness. They may or may not forgive you right away. At this point, your responsibility is to ask for it. Theirs is to give it.

If you miss some of these steps, there may be some residual problems. Including each step correctly is an important part of the process. Trying to make it happen faster or speeding up the process often backfires. Doing the right things with the wrong attitude or with insincerity also backfires.

For this reason, when you go to your spouse, you need to mean what you say and say what you mean. They will ‘test’ you to see if you mean business or to check your attitude. If you have been lying or shown that you are not trustworthy, they may not believe you at first.

It is also not a quick fix type of event. You may have to do it several times. If you have lied to your spouse, it may take those times before they realize that you really do mean it. Although it is not a once and done event, you may only get one chance to say some things. What you say is what will stay in their mind. In that since it is a once and done phenomena. Once it leaves your lips, you can not take it back.

The second next step will be ‘making things right’. Another way of looking at it is ‘cleaning up the damage’. Look for what you can do to repair what has been done. You can not change what happened, but you sure can take steps to clean up the mess. It may be physical, relational or emotional. This often involves cleaning up the damage from the actions and choices you made.

Many cheaters want to jump from the first step back into the fully-functional marriage relationship without doing the other necessary steps. This is putting the cart before the horse. All the steps need inclusion. Skipping some leaves the healing process half-baked. For this reason, you do not want to skip any steps along the way.

Third, take pro-active steps to improve the relationship. Do not wait for your spouse to say things or tell you what to do. They want you to start taking responsibility for the relationship rather than just talk about it. They will be looking for indications that you take the relationship serious and want to make it right, even without them telling you what to do.

The things you feel guilty about will provide indications about what areas you need to take pro-active steps. Guilt is a reminder that you have trespassed in some area. It is important that you do not blame them or others for your actions. Take responsibility for your choices. You chose to cheat and now you are choosing to make things right.

Repair any damage with the children. This may take time. You need to show an interest in them and involve yourself with them. You will have to invest in them.

Fourthly, after you make things right and take pro-active steps, your next course of action is to ‘listen and wait’. During this time, they will ‘test’ you to see if you have changed. They will also test you to see if you can be trusted again. It is imperative that you do not get defensive during this time. If you get defensive, you will end up messing up. Remember it is about getting back together, not about winning and loosing battles.

These steps will get you started on your way to removing the guilt and improving the relationship. It will not remove the guilt all at once, yet over time as you consistently do these things, the guilt will diminish to the point where it is a non-issue.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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