A reader posed the question “What mental illnesses cause cheating?” This isn’t an easy question with clear answers. There are several mental illnesses associated with behavior that goes with cheating.
Just because someone has a mental illness doesn’t mean that they’ll cheat, and not all cheating is due to mental illness. Although you want to find a cause and effect link behind cheating, those links aren’t that clear. Mental illnesses set the stage for problems, yet the cheater still makes choices.
With mental illness, either their emotional or mental self control are lacking. In some cases, their reasoning ability is lacking. Either way, they end up acting either impulsively or loosing control of themselves.
Besides mental illnesses, there are also some cases of cheating involving brain damage. These can occur with brain traumas and situations where brain function has been changed. Depending on the section of the brain involved, there may be issues occurring resulting in affairs.
You’ve seen it before- a spouse cheating and they claim that there is no explanation for their actions. But what if brain damage has been the true cause? With cases of trauma or changes in cognitive function, people are more likely to cheat on their partners.
The most common type of injury involving brains leads to some pretty devastating effects when it comes to affairs with other women or men: traumatic brain injuries (TBI).
Depending on where the TBI occurs within your cranium, this could lead you down dark paths like infidelity because impairments may arise as well from these types of accidents such as short term memory loss so don’t be too quick jump into conclusions about how someone’s behavior was influenced by something more than just mental illness!
They may lose their inhibitions or ability to control impulses due to brain injury rather than mental illness.
Although it’s more convenient to blame the mental illness, brain damage, or even family history of cheating, the role played by volitional choices has to be considered as well. Each of these areas influences the possibility of cheating.
There are many disorders, situations and conditions that have been found associated with the risk of affairs. I’ll share an overview with you. This is based on my experiences working with couples and individuals.
I’ve observed substance abuse issues, bipolar depression, and attention deficit disorders all share problems with self control. When a cheater has trouble with self control, or inadequate self control, there’s a risk of affairs. For them delay or saying “No” is not their strong point.
A close cousin of substance abuse are addictions. Keep in mind that one study found addictions involved in 70% of affairs.
Fear is often the culprit behind sexual addictions. When you’re raised surrounded by fears, the addict looks for ways of keeping their brain stimulated. Being raised around fears, their brain is used to being in high gear, whether it’s healthy, safe or unsafe.
In cases of addiction, their brain is accustomed to the stimulation provided by fear and sex is one way of providing that stimulation.
Sex stimulates the brain in a major way. The more dangerous the sex, the greater the stimulation. The addicted brain craves that high stimulation.
When the addictive personality uses sex, the more dangerous the affair or the lover, the more their stimulated, and the more their sick brain feels ‘normal’.
In some cases, the person engages in sexual behavior they wouldn’t otherwise participate in. The poor self-control takes over their lives in a major way. This is how ‘love addicts’ find themselves caught up in affairs they never intended to. They went for the love and were caught up in the sex.
They don’t consider the consequences of their actions, only the immediate gratification of urges and drives. They only want the activation of as much of their brain as possible. They want their brain switched into the ‘on’ mode.
There are also some mental illnesses such as narcissistic and borderline personality disorders where they are so self-centered and dysfunctional in their interpersonal relationships that there is a high risk for affairs.
In these situations, they have trouble developing any kind of health relationship combined with an intense neediness that the risk of affairs is high.
There are also the issues associated with sexual abuse. Many victims of sexual abuse have traumatic scars. Not ever person who has been sexually abused is at risk for affairs, although there are some victims that have a potential for being at risk.
When the sexual abuse has any kind of connection with multiple personality disorder, the risk of affairs is present.
As distasteful as it is, there are some people who have been ‘groomed’ to be sexual objects, whether it be through training, traumatic incidents or organized indoctrination. This population is at high risk for affairs.
In some cases, the traumas were used to make them more vulnerable to affairs. Like a ‘Bourne Identity‘ scenario, where instead of being trained to be an assassin, they were trained to be sexual objects.
As unsavory as it is, there are exploiters who use sexual trauma in weakening resistance to further sexual acting out. They find those with weaknesses in this area and exploit them.
Bear in mind that when chemicals such as viagra or rhohibinol are introduced into any of these situations, it aggravates an already unstable situation. Chemicals can change behavior and thinking over time. Drugs and alcohol can also make a shaky situation worse than it was.
When chemicals like viagra or rhohibinol are combined with drugs/alcohol they make any situation worse. Chemicals change the amount of conscious volitional control a person has.
The above examples give you a place to start. As you see, there is a link between some mental illnesses/conditions and affairs, yet that link is not a simple cause and effect relationship. If it was, they could be given an affair prevention pill. Such an intervention doesn’t exist.
You can reduce the risk by being aware of these situations. Mental illness or past sexual abuse doesn’t mean you’ll be a cheater.
It does mean that you and your spouse have vulnerabilities that the two of you need to discuss. It means that you have some blind spots or weak areas that have to be protected.
Whatever the cause of the affair, you’ll need help with your own healing. The video “Getting Past the Affair Crisis” will move you through those initial shock and devastation.
Best Regards,
Jeff
14 Responses
i would love to see you comment on my thoughts.i like the world to be a heaven for its inhabitants regardless of their cast and creed.
khalid,
It would be nice for the world to be a heaven for it’s inhabitants regardless of cast and creed.Since my focus is helping couples past affairs, I don’t see very many heavens on earth. Instead, I encounter many couples where through their choices, lust, weak self-control, early life traumas and passion have instead turned any chance of heaven into something totally different. In many cases, what one person’s idea of heaven is often made the other person’s life a hell. What couples believe makes a difference when it comes to marriage, life, morals, recovery, forgiveness and family.
Hi. I’ve had 4 boyfriends in the last 10 years and I cheated on them. Not that I had 4 boyfriends simultaneously. They have different periods of time in that 10 years but I cheated on each one of them which led to painful breakups. There was a time I had oboyfriend and I have another guy hooking up with and another guy im flirting with. I often regret and remorse each time I’m pained with breakups but once Im in a relationship and feel safe, I cheat. Cheating might not involve sex but I hide things, chat with other guys. I want to cure my disease if I have one or strengthen my self control, but what is that “something” that requires me to “control”?
Amy,
Thank you for writing. From what you describe, you are experiencing a mixture of feelings. There is a need for excitement, and new relationships have high levels of excitement. There is the thrill of new sensations. The hiding, secrecy and so forth adds to the excitement.
There could be a fear of intimacy. Stable relationships that feel safe can be scary when a person if afraid of intimacy and the fear of rejection. Having a series of relationships is one way of avoiding the pain of rejection.
In my thinking the opposite of love is control, not hate. Control issues often indicate a fear of love, since control is used as a substitute for love. I eagerly look forward to your thoughts on the matter.
Hi! I am highly impressed from this research, As my partner cheated on me twice. After I forgave him he still hides his phone. I get panicky on his hiding the phone. I can’t trust him if he keep on hiding things and this thing led to a painful break up. I fought with him I get so crazy when ever I think he cheated and still wants to cheat. He just say to me that I am psycho. Do you think I am mentally sick? Or according to you article he has some mental illness ? I want to know please.
Sundaleen,
Thank you for writing to me. When your significant other hides the phone or other objects, it’s never a good sign. They are showing that they are either hiding something or have trust issues.
Being upset that someone is hiding their phone from you, especially with him having cheated sounds like a sound, rational reaction. You’ve been burned and don’t want to be burned again. Reacting to him showing the same signs of cheating makes total sense.
I don’t see your reaction as psycho. If you reacted that way when there was no history of his cheating, I could understand him viewing you as psycho. With his history, your reaction is rational and sane.
Staying with him with his history of cheating raises some concerns.
In terms of his mental state…he hides his phone and has a history of cheating. He has a significant other who he lies to and calls her ‘psycho’ rather than taking a look at his own behavior and history. His actions show that his commitment to you is weak at best. When someone lies like he has and then gets upset at your emotional reactions to his lies, …it make him sound unstable. I can’t say if he is mentally ill. I can say that he has some unrealistic expectations and is now showing stable behaviors.
Hi Jeff, this is a very interesting article, I’ve recently found out my partner was cheating on me. We were going through a rough patch and i’ve since decided to try and make things work with her. The interesting thing about your article is that she was a victim of sexual abuse when she was younger and is on medication to help cope with stress and anxiety at the minute (now in her 40’s) She is a really nice person and it is almost like she has 2 personalities, she has said she regrets her actions and never stopped loving me which I do genuinely believe but was wondering if the impact of the sexual abuse may be a root cause of the affair? She has described it as almost a fog that comes over her and she can’t think clearly which leads her to make bad decisions? I would be interested in your thoughts?
Steve,
Thank you for writing. I’m glad that you found the article interesting. Victims of sexual abuse are often vulnerable to affairs. I addressed this in the post on the topic “Vulnerable to affairs”. The medications likely add to the vulnerability even though they help the anxiety.
The ‘fog’ as she refers to it amounts to the foggy thinking that often happens after abuse along with the medications. The action of such meds is to slow down or interrupt thinking patterns. The danger is that it also interrupts the part that says NO and means NO.
In terms of my thoughts on the link between sexual abuse and affairs, I’ve written about it quite often. You may want to search the archives for ‘sexual abuse’ and see the articles I’ve written. Not all cheaters are victims of abuse, but many victims of abuse are vulnerable to being cheaters.
After reading the articles write back with any questions you have.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Hello blogger, i must say you have very interesting articles here.
Your page should go viral.
Hi, Jeff,
Wow! This is a fantastic article and you really hit the nail on the head for me. I am married and I have a problem using technology to talk to other people. I have been disagnosed with major depression, severe ADHD inattentive type, general anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I am a good husband a part from this major issue. I have had this problem in my other relationships as well. I have talked to a therapist about ADHD and my brain needing a lot of stimulation. I have an appointment to return to talk about this but would love to here any general thoughts. I also wonder if trauma I have experienced in the past plays into it, although I have never been sexually abused. I was verbally and physically abused by members of my family. My spouse is understandably upset at me and while I don’t make excuses, I know this has something to do with my mental health problems. The part you said about “Just as soon as the relationship is safe” (the partner commits these acts) is totally true and I have had problems with rejection throughout my life.
Best,
Nick
Jeff…you sound exactly like my husband…we’ve been married for 11years & he has always done the same kinda things & behaved the same way our entire marriage ..we’ve almost split up several times but i totally know or believe it’s something he has little control over or needs help with…I see youve talked to a therapist once have I went back? Or learned anything else?
Amanda,
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Mental illnesses make any situation harder. They also make the answers more challenging as well. At a time you want clear answers, things are not so clear or simple.You’ve spent many years dealing with some difficult situations which can be discouraging at times.
Jeff
Jeff, thank you for the article. I hope you are still answering questions. I’ll try to be brief. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, bipolar and anxiety disorders in 1990. Thinks in my life, Family, work and other saucers went well until 2001. I was declined a promotion that I had been approved for just days before. We unexpectedly lost my mom in 2001. My maternal grandmother and a best friend of mine in 2002 and my dad in 2003. Only granny’s death was expected. About 5 years later, or less, I cheated on my wife. I had, after the deaths, started to attend strip clubs and drink regularly. I even used cocaine at least one week. I only cheated once but I don’t remember much about it at all. It was with a girl from the club I frequented. I know now that I had never properly grieved and that I had a lot of anger and resentment about the loss of my parents and my friend. I am the oldest of the two kids and I’ve slways felt like I had to take care of everything.. protect everyone. And I tried to do that as we planned funerals and dealt with estate stuff. I’ve since lost my wife and our two girls. It’s killing me. I’ve lived my wife since we met in high school over 40 years ago. She nor the kids will even go to my doctors to listen to what they say. Could this affair have been, in your opinion, the result of my illness and my reaction to the losses of my loved ones? I’m hoping and praying my kids and ex will, one day, understand if it was likely that my illness was a factor. Thanks.
Alan,
Thank you for writing. Yes, I’m still answering questions. The question you posed is “Could this affair have been, in your opinion, the result of my illness and my reaction to the losses of my loved ones?” The simple answer is “Yes, the affair could have been connected with your illness and reactions to loss.
When anyone is stressed or traumatized they shift their thinking to “What will get me out of the pain” rather than “What’s in my best interest?” You had a series of deaths and losses. That would be hard for anyone to handle. The drinking leads to impulsive decision making. Combining impulsive decisions + trauma is not a good mix.
The decision to go to the strip club and drink regularly wasn’t a good one. You were hurting and went into a high risk situation. That’s not the best way of working through loss and grief.
It could be that your ex and children are reacting to using the depression as a way of avoiding responsibility regarding the affair. When you make ‘Depression’ the cause, it makes any kind of resolution difficult. You can forgive a person, but you can’t forgive depression.
Regards,
Jeff