There are many things that needing your considerations when the cheater comes home. The topic of today’s post is that of security.
You know what it’s like loosing security. It takes away your self-confidence, your motivation and your energy. Although you know that from personal experience, are you able to put those lessons to use?
When the cheater comes home, it’s important that both of you feel secure. When people don’t feel safe, they don’t talk. Expecting them to talk and want to be with you in a situation where there’s little or no security is asking for trouble.
Without security, questions turn threatening. Each one comes across as an attack or encroachment.
Security is a basic need. It’s only after such basic needs are taken care of that we move on to other needs.
In the aftermath of an affair, there are many needs. Those needs are real. What’s not real is the expectation that you can address those needs before making the home secure for the both of you.
If it’s not secure, the cheater will say and do what they need to in order to achieve some sense of security. You will see them going through the motions, yet their heart is not in things.
Their heat can’t be in what they are doing. When they’re insecure, their heart is somewhere else.
Let me spell it out for you. You need to make the home secure in every dimension you can. Physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, etc.
That means you’ll have to avoid treating them like a cornered animal. They likewise will need to respect your space and need for security as well.
It will not start off perfect. It will take time to even get things tolerable. Give yourself that time.
Before trying to fix the relationship, focus on making both of you safe. When safety is taken care of, the conversation will eventually drift to repairing your marriage.
In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I guide you through the sequence of things needing done. You can know what tasks need attention in the right order.
Getting the recovery tasks out of order creates more conflicts and confusion.
Best Regards,
Jeff
