Has the cheater told you that it was ‘barely an affair?‘ Perhaps you’ve told yourself that something you did was ‘barely an affair’. In either case, the logic is dangerous.
In using the term ‘barely’, it puts the behavior on a gradient filled with many shades of gray. The more shades of gray, the more the arguments and the more confusing the situation becomes.
Affairs are a behavior that falls into what is referred to as an ‘analog’. It either happened or didn’t happen.
It was either an affair or not an affair. Putting affairs onto a gradient puts you on a slippery slope. Once you start slipping down the slope, there’ll be fewer places to stop.
Besides being slippery logic, by putting affairs on the gradient, it makes it hard to find common definitions and uses of words. When each of you use different definitions of what constitutes an affair, you are each living in two separate worlds.
Not only are you in two separate worlds, the two of you are speaking two different languages. When the two of you are not speaking the same common language or have the same common meanings, there is little change of intimacy.
Intimacy depends on the two of you connecting emotionally in the same space. Living in different worlds makes achieving that kind of intimacy impossible.
By calling is ‘barely an affair’, the admission is made that an affair happened, BUT, the cheater wants a special dispensation. They want special freedoms and privileges in terms of the consequences of the affair.
They seek a diminishing of the seriousness of what happened. This is intellectual dishonesty.
When you start allowing a little dishonesty, it’s only a matter of time before there’s more dishonesty. Dishonesty always grows bigger when not stopped.
By calling it ‘barely an affair’ they’re playing mental games with themselves and with you.
When it comes to accountability, the cheater needs honesty. You need to be honest.
Yes, the affair happened. Trust was damaged.
The relationship can be repaired, but only if the two of you are honest about what happened and what needs to be changed or corrected in your marriage.
Being from Texas, I am familiar with much of its early history. One of the episodes was the practice of half-hangings.
This is where Texas Rangers would hang a person until they were almost dead in order to get them to talk. Although half-hangings were effective, they were still hangings.
Likewise and affair is still an affair. You can call it barely an affair or a half-affair, but it is still an affair.
You are not half-married or barely married. You either are or are not married. The same applies to affairs.
In getting past the affair, the affair will have to be admitted, WITHOUT any ifs, ands or buts. It was not barely an affair.
The video, “How can I Trust You Again?” guides you in repairing the damaged trust. You can know what to do, and what areas need improvement rather than guessing at it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
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