A reader asked the challenging question of “How do wives avoid bonding during swinging or wife swapping sex?”
Such questions pose challenges. I have to start with my disclaimer. Swinging and swapping always leave scars on a marriage. I have yet to see a marriage that benefited in the long run by swinging and swapping.
The wives I’ve worked with drank or used drugs to the point of ‘numbing themselves out’ prior to engaging in such acts. When they’re numbed out in such a way, it’s harder developing attachments to anyone they’re with.
Whenever a swap or swing event was scheduled, they made it a point to get ‘numbed out’ beforehand. There’s a reason why these events include alcohol or drugs.
Another strategy used is ‘mentally going to another place’. This is a method of coping with unwanted situations. In some cases, the woman needs a stronger strategy and take the ‘going to another place’ to the next level. At that level, they splinter off part of their person.
This splinter portion amounts to ‘an avatar’ used for their sexual activities. The splinter portion engages in sex, while the core personality doesn’t. It amounts to a ‘not the real me’ phenomena. This strategy amounts to extreme compartmentalizing to the point of splitting off their personality.
This way, they just shift to the other person or avatar in order to cope with what’s happening to them. Many women who have been victimized by sexual abuse use a variation of the splintering off way of coping.
The theory is that the creation of the avatar (or alternate side of their person) allows that portion to bond, while the main person does not. The reality is that wives do bond during swinging or swapping.
By numbing themselves out or splintering, they minimize the impact of the bonding for the short run. These techniques amount to mental gymnastics.
The strategies allow the wife to cope, but never allow them to feel whole or complete.
There’s always a part of themselves that bonded and was lost in the swinging or wife swapping. You may even hear them talk about being ‘broken’, or ‘shattered’.
Swinging always brings bonding, even when protection is used. The bonding is real. The bonding connections brings consequences.
Some bonding they live with and some haunt them for long afterwards. The emotional bonds amount to pieces of them being left behind and pieces of the other person becoming a part of them.
One descriptive term used for the bonding that occurs is ‘soul fragments’. These little pieces of themselves are part of the reason you’ll hear them talk of being broken or shattered.
They may not bring this up to you, thinking that something is ‘wrong’ with them or that they do not want to burden you with this matter. They may want to view swinging as just another way of interacting with people, like a handshake, but the bonding that happens connects them with the people at a deep level.
They want you to be pleased with them. Some develop a ‘lifestyle girl’ facade thinking that this will please you, even when they aren’t pleased themselves.
The damage from bonding can be healed. Although it leaves scars, they can be healed and return to a sense of ‘wholeness’ or completeness’. The healing is similar to the strategies involved in overcoming the effects of an affair, which I address in more depth in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Instead of assuming that your wife hasn’t bonded with others, you may want to wake up to the bonding that has occurred. Look at its impact on your wife and what you can do about it. She may be hurting more than you realize.
Since they were numbed out or splintered, the emotional strain of that bonding may only show up when they are in a similar emotional or physical state. During such times, you may wonder ‘What happened to them?’
The answer is that the strain of the bonding caught up with them, and they are feeling it. Their body remembers what happened, even when their mind doesn’t.
What are you doing to bring healing for you or your spouse today?
If you’re struggling with the effects from swinging you may be experiencing relationship trauma. You don’t have to get drunk, take pills or medications to numb yourself out, and keep symptoms under control.
When you have been traumatized, there are reasons for you not being able to get over it’ and bounce back. Discover the tools, exercises and techniques you need in understanding and moving past what has happened to you.
If that’s your situation, get your copy of the video on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers“. The video is designed specifically for those struggling with the trauma that comes with coping with the stresses of ‘the lifestyle’. You don’t have to keep taking drugs or drinking to cope. There is another way.
Best Regards,
Jeff
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