I saw that one of the readers asked about hiding the affair. You will find that hiding the affair is more difficult than you think. Little truths about the affair will always come out. Affairs change you.
They change your thinking, your emotions, and how you interact with your spouse. You may think that you have not changed, but they know.
The only exception are affairs that happened before the two of you were married. They changed you, yet it’s likely that your spouse did not know you before that, so they don’t have a comparison.
Even with that exception, I believe that in most cases, you need to tell your spouse about any affairs. I only included that exception because I know there can be some cases made for not having to confess what happened before the two of you knew each other.
Hiding what you did, even before your marriage puts a strain on you. Mentally and emotionally, you have to devote energy to the hiding what happened. Hiding requires effort.
Each little lie or deception drains your emotional and mental resources. Over time, this drain i significant. Affairs are definitely not energy efficient, since you have to keep up with who knows what. You often have to play ‘puppet master’ in terms of controlling people, information and situations.
Besides the puppet master aspect, you also have to ‘tune in’ to what people say. You have to listen on several levels at once, in case they are giving you a hint that they know about what you are hiding. Listening on multiple levels and being on guard against double-meanings is a full time job.
Then, there is the whole connection between affairs and secrecy. I recall one psychoanalytic text mentioning the observations that ‘secrets always involve secretions’.
When I first read it, the statement took me by surprise. The longer I word with couples and affairs, the more I realize the truth about the statement ‘secrets always involve secretions’. If what you are doing needs to be hidden, chances are there are some secretions involved.
Secrets and hiding always make it harder to feel connected with your spouse. Hiding often feels like a wall that is put up between you and your spouse. If you feel that wall, there some hiding going on.
If your relationship is hurting because of hitting that wall, you’ll benefit from improving the trust in your relationship. The video “How Can I Trust You Again?” helps you remove those barriers and walls keeping the two of you distant from each other.
Best Regards,
Jeff
