An affair means that someone loses. There are always losses with an affair.It’s rare that the loss is limited to one person.
In the beginning, it’s you that loses. Before the whole affair mess is over, typically everyone who was touched by the affair experiences a loss of one type or another.
The kinds of loss are many. There is a loss of love, loss of friendship, loss of innocence, loss of intimacy, loss of trust, loss of money, loss of security, loss of family support, loss of a parent, and loss of confidence.
Trying to compare your losses and rank order them in terms of the most to the least painful is pointless, since all loses hurt.
When you experience a loss, there is an emptiness. There is now a hole which was once filled. That emptiness wants to be filled.
In the initial stages, you may find yourself filling the emptiness with things that wont satisfy. Drugs, alcohol and sex will temporarily occupy, but not satisfy or satiate the emptiness.
That emptiness gnaws at you, wanting your attention and wanting to be satiated. This is in addition to all the other crises and challenges you are trying to navigate.
The emptiness happens to all socio-economic groups. Money and riches don’t make you immune to this emptiness. The emptiness also hits the poor and every group in-between.
The main difference are the distractions available to you. The wealthy can often hide or run from their emptiness for a longer period than the poor, yet eventually, the emptiness of the loss will catch up. You can’t escape the maws of emptiness.
When the emptiness of loss catches up, you will find yourself having to face it and to be honest. Being honest about the loses means that you will have to admit being vulnerable.
You’ll have to admit to your hurts and admit that you do not have all the answers or the ability to satiate it yourself. Your previous attempts at comforting yourself were failures.
You need people. You need others in your life. You may not want to admit it, but you can’t fix it by yourself.
It is humbling asking for help in dealing with loss. If you hope to get past it, rather than mask it, you will have to ask for the help.
Asking for help doesn’t mean that you’re a failure or that you’re weak. This is part of being human.
Being vulnerable reminds you that you’re human, that you’re not immune to hurts and loss.
Part of dealing with the loss requires you grieve and allow everyone involved to grieve. That includes the cheater.
You’ll have to let them grieve the lover, and loss of the affair. Not allowing them to go through the grieving will keep the painful issues alive.
Grieving the loss doesn’t mean allowing the cheater to physically say good-bye.
It means that you give them time to emotionally and psychically let go of the lover and the dreams that were inspired by the lover.
If you interrupt the grieving, it’s never resolved. You want grieving matters resolved. You want the door shut once and for all. That means you may have to let them mope around or have long walks by themselves.
If you have interrupted the grieving, you’ll want the video “Preventing Affair Relapse”. The video guides you through bringing the affair to a conclusion.
Best Regards,
Jeff
