On Wednesday I received a query regarding praying against flirting. Praying certainly is powerful and effective intervention in dealing with with flirting. Before getting into any kind of intervention, you need to consider some things.
First of all, flirting is a topic which stirs up many passionate responses. There are some who defend flirting, claiming it is innocent ‘fun’. Then there are those who condemn it in the strongest possible terms.
Second, some people flirting may just be oblivious to how their behavior is affecting others. You need to ensure your concerns aren’t exaggerated by imagined or real offenses.
Those who view flirting as innocent, often use such behaviors as their way of interacting with members of the opposite sex. They’re so used to flirting, they think nothing of it. Their negative view of flirting may cause them to overreact and think you’re overly sensitive or prudish when you express disapproval.
A wink here, a pet name there or suggestive comment there are viewed by those who see flirting as nothing are normal as a handshake.
They may even view it not only as innocent, but also consider it fun. Flirting is also very rampant. According to the researcher, John Gottman, 86% men and 81% women flirt with the opposite sex.
Those are big numbers. Those numbers mean that a vast majority of people flirt to some degree.
This doesn’t mean flirting is a proper behavior. It does mean that most people see little to nothing wrong with flirting.
This is why you have to be careful. Because the flirting isn’t severe enough for others to take issue with it, they may just dismiss what they perceive as your prudishness and overreaction.
The numbers also mean that you have to decide what is right for your marriage, whether it’s a matter of following the herd or wanting 100% of your spouse’s attention even when it goes against the norm.
You also have to consider cultural variables. In some areas, referring to someone as ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’ are viewed as routine. No seductions were intended or expected.
Such terms are used as a form of greeting. When you are in a culture where such behavior occurs, it’s hard considering such behavior as any prelude to cheating.
When flirting is the cultural norm, you can’t always react to it in the same way as flirting with the intention to seduce. What this means is that what behaviors are considered ‘flirting’ change from location to location.
There are others of you who view it as a potential threat to your marriage and a gateway to an affair. It is true that most, if not all affairs start with flirting. In terms of timelines, a majority of affairs are preceded by flirting.
This increases the potential that a spouse will have an affair if they flirt. But does this mean you should avoid flirting at all costs? Or is it part and parcel of being married to someone of opposite sex?
Before going deeper into this, let me encourage you to be careful in how much flirting and what type of flirting is allowed.
Very few people have had affairs that did not involve flirting at some point.
When it comes to flirting, there are many ways of intervening.
Praying is one of many potential interventions. Praying involves intervening in a spiritual manner. It has emotional, spiritual and mental dimensions. When the flirting is accompanied with spiritual intentions, such an intervention as praying can be very potent.
You may ask why should you pray to prevent your spouse from having an affair; it’s as if you are praying for the devil himself. Well, this is understandable. In doing so, what you are really asking God for is to preserve his/her faithfulness to you and give them the wisdom not to engage in any inappropriate behavior.
The type of praying often varies. Some new age types pray for light or a circle of protection. Some even go so far as to project light toward who they are praying for. Some pray for strength, some for the spouse to remember that they are married, and others for angels to protect them.
There are also the Biblical-based prayers such as found in Hosea, when he prayed for a ‘hedge of thorns’ to surround his wayward wife. Another variant is found in Job regarding the target not looking at anything besides the eyes of members of the opposite sex.
There’s also imprecatory prayers who call down spiritual forces to actively intervene in their situation. Such prayers are found in the Psalms. They may seem harsh, but they are grounded in the reality of what we are dealing with: spiritual forces.
These prayers not only protect them and their marriage, but it also protects you as well because you both share a common destiny on earth.
Praying is good, when you know how to pray and what to pray for.
Whichever type of prayer you consider, when you use spiritual based interventions, it can lead to a series of events. Prayer starts things. It changes your heart.
At times it changes you, at other times, your spouse or it may even change the situation. The results often vary from situation to situation.
After prayer has done its’ work, it’s still no substitute for communication. The two of you need to talk about some matters.
You must find common ground of understanding about what the boundaries are regarding flirting behaviors with others. When it comes time for talking, do you even know what to talk about?
If you don’t, then the video, ‘Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” will open up some new communication between the two of you.
Prayer definitely changes things, yet it needs follow up with action.
Best Regards,
Jeff
