Narcissists live in their own world. Part of living in their own world includes living by their own rules. It is their world, their rules, their reality.
This is part of what you have to come to grips with when dealing with them.
Expecting them to admit to the affair is a mixed bag. If you expect them to live by your rules and your expectations, you’ll experience disappointment.
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, you have to adjust your expectations to deal with them and their reality.
This means that when it comes to the affair, they may never admit what they did in terms that apply to your rules and your reality. Since they live by their own rules, the affair will be viewed, evaluated and considered according to their perspective.
They may view it as ‘close friends’ and what happened was ‘a friendship thing’. That may be as close to an admission to them having an affair as you are going to get.
If they have it in their mind that what they did nothing wrong, you’ll have a hard time convincing them otherwise.
So what can you do about their non-admission of the affair? One way of dealing with it is changing the ground rules. Instead of trying to convince them that what they did was an affair or that it was wrong, focus instead on how you do not like what they did.
Put your dislike of the affair from the perspective of “I do not like your relationship with _______”. “I feel threatened by your relationship with ________”. The narcissist can comprehend disliking things and feeling threatened.
By framing your approach this way, you’re putting the affair in terms they understand. The narcissist may still not acknowledge the wrong of what they did, but now they understand that you do not like what they did.
Since they look at the world through selfish eyes, expressing your displeasure in terms of what you like or don’t like put things in a way they understand.
Much like communicating with someone who doesn’t speak your language, when you use terms or items that share commonality is a good place to start communicating with them.
Communicating in a way that truly connects with a narcissist means putting your message in terms they understand.
If you need further help finding ways of communicating with the cheater, the download, “Affair Recovery Workshop” has even more suggestions and ideas. There are ways of improving communication it shows you. You’ll also know what to bring up and ways of getting the cheater’s attention.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
60 years this month I have lived with a narcissist wife. She has had many affairs. Problems have only gotten worse. (I DO NOT KNOW ANY REMEDY)
Neal,
Are you saying she has been having affairs for 60 years as of this month? That is a LONNNNG time. If so, I wonder about hormonal/chemical issues. Have you ruled out those possibilities with a physician? If they’ve been ruled out, then possible addiction-based issues would be the next possibility. With a narcissist, there are often problems with impulse control. I also have concerns with early life traumas and their impact of such behavior.
Best Regards,
Jeff
I need help. Too old for divorce and no place to go.