The question “What did you expect?” exposes many of the problems with affairs. When you ask the cheater “What did you expect?“, they often give you a deer in the headlight look and perhaps shrug their shoulders while saying quietly “uh….I don’t know”.
Make no mistake, the cheater expected something. When they flirted, they expected something to happen.
A person doesn’t follow through on their flirting without expectations. They expected something when they made sexual innuendos, when they joked about sexual matters, when they kissed their lover.
What the cheater doesn’t expect are, consequences to their actions. They don’t expect their family to be impacted, they didn’t expect you to find out, they didn’t expect your reaction. They didn’t expect exposure to sexually transmitted diseases.
The cheater only expected a good time. They wanted sensual gratification without responsibility.
Anytime you have sensual gratification without responsibility, you are dealing with immature thinking. You are dealing with crazy-making thinking.
Gratification of sensual lusts always has consequences. When you expect to indulge in such behavior without consequences, you have some really messed up expectations.
The whole universe operates on a cause and effect basis. Expecting to gratify your indulgences without consequences goes against physics. There are always consequences in the real world.
When you ask them “What did you expect?”, how you ask it makes a difference. You may want an intellectually honest answer.
One of the problems is that what they were expecting was emotional or relational. They have not intellectually come to grips with what they did.
In asking the question, you’re expecting them to function in a cause and effect universe. Many cheaters can not answer because they’re not playing or functioning according to cause and effect rules.
They’re instead living in a world where whatever they imagine, they can do without consequence. In this world (or la-la land) only their emotions matter, only their needs count, only their version of events makes sense.
This world has more in common with their own inner dream world than the real world of cause and effect.
Your question “What did you expect?” comes across as a harsh cold reality forcing them to wake up and face things they didn’t want to see.
You aren’t being unreasonable in asking the question.
You aren’t being cruel.
You’re merely holding them accountable and forcing their mind to consider the consequences of their choices and actions.
When it comes time for rebuilding your marriage relationship, the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?” is an invaluable tool. It guides you through the task of rebuilding the damaged trust in your relationship.
Best Regards
Jeff
