In dealing with cheating, it has been helpful talking with ‘lovers’ or the other man/woman. On the outside, they come across as typical people.
They are often friendly and pleasant in routine conversation. When the discussion moves onto the topic of affairs, the dynamics change.
My conversations are as a counselor and not as an enraged spouse. Since I am not a threat to them, the conversation flows smoothly, up to a point.
When the subject of affairs comes up, some of them also ‘phase out’ into lala land as well, although it comes across differently than with the cheating spouse.
With the lovers, I find that they become very flat and matter of fact about their affairs. They talk about them with a void regarding feeling. It’s as if they go into a ‘robot’ mode of functioning when it comes to the affair.
There is no gushy sentimentality, no romanticizing of what they have done, just a ‘matter of fact’ attitude regarding the affair.
One female talked about how she preferred ‘married men’ since they don’t want commitments from her. She felt safer with them.
A male discussed his affairs as if they were routine business meetings. He gets called, services the women, then returns to his daily routine.
Such discussions strike me as surreal. They are so matter of fact, while the spouses are suffering and struggling. It’s going from one extreme to another.
When they discuss their cheating, there is a part of me that I have to restrain. The part that wants to grab them by the collar, shake them and scream “Don’t you know the damage you have done!” or “How can you be so calm when you have wrecked families and homes!”
The moral outrage is powerful and takes a lot to contain it. I ask my own self, “Will this bring healing?” I quickly come to my senses and know that any display of righteous indignation is not going to help me deal with couples dealing with affairs or change their minds.
More can be accomplished by talking to them and trying to understand affairs from every possible angle, including theirs.
Lovers are often viewed as less than human by the betrayed spouse and elevated in importance by the cheater. Both versions are unrealistic.
Although the cheater builds their lives and fantasies around the lover, in some cases, the affair is nothing more than another business like transaction for many of them (one notable exception is the poacher, which I will deal with later. The poacher has a definite agenda and wants MORE than the business transaction).
From those conversations with lovers, I learn that not all lovers are vicious monsters, although they have a rather cold-blooded side that often comes out regarding affairs.
I learn that some really don’t view what they’re doing as ‘wrong’. The trysts for them are as routine as going to the gym for a workout. Not all lovers are as ‘passionate’ about the cheater as the cheater thinks they are.
I don’t advocate that you go out and talk with the lover. There are more chances things will go wrong than possibility of things improving.
The lover is definitely part of the affair dynamics. I go deeper into relationship dynamics in the download, “Affair Recovery Workshop“. The workshop covers getting you from D-Day to Recovery in terms of things to talk about, how to bring up sensitive items, rebuilding intimacy and changing the relationship dynamics.
Best Regards,
Jeff
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