[Affair Recovery Radio] Preventing Affair Relapses

Once an affair happens, there is a risk of relapse. Event after ‘ending the affair’ you will face the risk of relapse. The cheater is not just ending a relationship, they are changing a way of thinking.

They are changing a way of living. Until those changes are concluded, you are in a Relationship Relapse Risk Zone.

Preventing Affair Relapses <<– listen to the audio here

Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re with me today. The topic we’re going to be dealing with in this session, or this show, is affair relapse prevention.

One of the problems with affairs is that once they happen, there’s always the possibility of relapse. The longer the duration of the affair, the higher the risk. Even after ending the affair you will have to face the risk of relapse. The more numerous the affairs, the higher the possibility of relapse. This is why we’re talking affair relapse prevention.

When you’re facing the challenge of relapse you’re going to have to deal with relapse prevention and what needs to take place in order to keep it from happening again. Because once the cheater crosses the line into the world of cheating, that increases the likelihood they’re going to do it again.

I know that there is all the promises, no I’m not going to do it and no there’s no way it’ll ever happen again. The facts don’t line up on their side. The facts are there’s a higher risk of it happening again.

Because a cheater is not just ending a relationship. They are having to change the whole way of thinking. They have to change a whole way of living. Once they have the affair, if the affair’s been going on awhile, they got into this whole other lifestyle. A whole other way of thinking.

No longer are you the center of their life, that things revolve around and that they are honest with. No. They’ve got a whole different way of looking at things. And so ending the affair just starts the process. That does not mean that they have changed their way of thinking and changed their way of living.

Until those changes happen you’re going to be in what I call the relationship relapse risk zone for a period of time. Because just ending the affair does not get those ideas out of their head, does not get the cheating out of their heart.

In their mind they’re always looking at every situation, how can they hide it, how can they have an affair with this person, how can they do all sorts of stuff, just rattling around in their head. If they’ve been in the affair lifestyle for awhile, they don’t even have to try to think of ways to scheme and plan. It’s almost like their mind does it on its own, without having to give it permission.

What can you do about affair relapse? Well, the answer I want to present to you is to remember- the three R’s of relapse prevention. I’m going to go over those with you.

1. Recognize high risk situations. It’s like any other type of recovery from addictions. There’s similar patterns here. The high risk situations are typically, we use the acronym HALT, that stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.

If a person is any one of those situations, or experiencing any of those emotions, they are at high risk.

And besides the HALT acronym, hungry, angry, lonely, and tired, there are also anniversaries. These are going to be anniversaries of significant events in their life, it might even be like your parents’ anniversaries, it may be anniversaries of death, anniversaries of significant events, getting hired, getting fired, etc. These types of things, they’re always at higher risk during those times.

2. Reduce distance and walls. Besides recognizing high risk situations you need to take steps to reduce the distance and walls.

Reducing the distance and walls means removing the barriers between you and your spouse. As the two of you have been pulling away from each other, you need to take steps to stop that from happening. You need to tear down the walls of communication that have been getting in the way.

Because if you still have distance and walls and the affair’s ended, it’s only going to be a matter of time before they find someone else. When the affair is ended make sure that you start tearing down those walls and those barriers.

3. Ready for recovery. And by ready for recovery, there’s several actions that you need to take.

-Number one, you need to make yourself available. If you’re going around talking like you want your spouse to be with you and to not relapse, you’re going to have to move beyond just talk. You’ve got to make yourself available to them. You’ve got to, when they want to talk to be able to talk, when they want to see you to be able to see you. You’ve got to make yourself available to them.

If you’re not available, they’ll find someone else to talk to.

-You also want to make sure that the cheater has your phone number. When they are in moments of temptation you want to encourage them to call you, to stay in contact, rather than to find some other solution.

-Number two here, remove the expectation of perfection. And I include this under being ready for recovery because many times if you’re expecting your spouse to be perfect it sets them up for failure. If you expect yourself to be perfect, if you expect your marriage to be perfect, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

This expectation of perfection, you’re going to have to let go of it. Are you wanting, let’s say for instance the cheater’s name is Jim, are you wanting the perfect Jim or are you just wanting Jim?

And you’re going to have to let them know you’re interested in them, rather than the perfect version of them. You want to accept them with all their flaws and imperfections, just like you want them to accept you with all your flaws and imperfections.

Which brings me to the last point on this one, which is be real. You’re going to need to be real with the person rather than putting on appearances, or trying to be something that you’re not. Or getting your marriage to be something that it’s not. It is very important to be real and be genuine.

I know in the counseling community a lot of times we talk about being genuine, and that’s something you can do here.

These are three things, well actually I gave you a little more today, that you can do to prevent affair relapse. You’re aware of the danger that is presented in the aftermath of the affair. There’s always a possibility of relapse and what you can do. Remember the three R’s of relapse prevention, recognize high risk situations, reduce distance and walls, and ready for recovery.

These will help you through this process. These are things that you can start putting into place right now. Because here at Affair Recovery Radio we want to help you through the affair recovery process one step at a time. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage.

I encourage you to go ahead and put these things into place. If you need more information on dealing with triggers and developing relapse prevention plans, then get the video on “Dealing With Affair Relapse“. The video goes into greater depth on dealing with relapse dangers and ways of preventing them.

Best Regards,

Jeff

You Might Also Like To Read:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Popular Posts