Threesomes are dangerous for your marriage. There’s reasons for the old saying “Two is company, but three’s a crowd” being around for such a long time.
What starts off as adventurous sex comes back as a nightmare. When you bring a third party into your marriage, the dynamics of your marriage change. Those changes happen whether you want them to or not.
There’s no safe word, no do-overs. Once the damage is done, it’s done.
Once your marriage changes, you can’t go back to ‘life as usual’. Life is no longer ‘usual’.
Your marriage no longer operates according to the ground rules found in the marriage self-help books. This means that the usual rules of marriage and working things out no longer apply.
As part of these changes, you find yourself in a sudden love/hate dilemma. This dilemma is that you love one person and don’t love or hate the other.
It’s maintaining equal feelings toward competing lovers. Although egalitarian love sounds good in books, in the real world it doesn’t work so well.
In human nature, you’ll find one lover winning out over the other. If the one winning out is your spouse, and vice-versa, there’s less of a problem. The conflicts blow up when the outside lover begins taking precedence over the marriage bond.
The outside lover doesn’t always like remaining outside. Since relationships are dynamic, they’re always changing.
If someone is looking for the security of an exclusive relationship, then the threesome is toxic. The changes that occur are a constant threat to the security of exclusivity.
Your first obstacle is getting over the idea that your marriage operates according to the rules in the marriage books. The ground rules have changed, so the relationship has changed.
Expecting your marriage to operate according to old rules, is akin to referring a professional sports game according to 12-year old rules. You may be calling them as you see them, but the rules of the game have changed.
You have to accept that the relationship rules have changed, if not formally, informally. Once you move past that obstacle, you can take on the next one.
The second hurdle to overcome is that of ‘bonding’. Part of the danger with threesomes is the bonding that occurs on several levels. There is physical, emotional and spiritual bonding.
Bonding creates connections. The connections are not initially good or bad per se. What makes them dangerous is that when they are “activated”, it often puts people in a loyalty crisis.
Relationships may go years with no problems, until someone chooses to “activate” the bonding connections. The activation may be intentional or accidental. Whichever type it is, you are still going to have to deal with ‘turning off’ what has been switched on.
You and your spouse may feel torn between the options. Your mind tells you one thing, but your body sends a different message. These mixed signals are problematic for many people.
You feel torn between what your body/spirit tells them and what your mind tells you. It amounts to a short-circuit of your sexual and relationship wiring. Like any short circuit, it can either lead to a breakdown in the relationship or overheat to the point of creating a larger problem.
If your marriage is struggling in the aftermath of a threesome, the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” will help. It guides you in moving past the obstacles that have disrupted the intimacy that once existed. It helps you understand messages your body is telling you related to the affair (threesome).
The problems can be worked through. You are not doomed to continue suffering a rerun of the nightmare. Just click the link, fill out the form and start unraveling the mess you’ve fallen into.
Best Regards,
Jeff
