When you are faced with an affair, there’s plenty of issues keeping you busy. When either the cheater or you uses mixed messages when communicating, the problems and stress grow exponentially.
Mixed messages complicate communication. It makes it hard to know what’s actually being said, and when you don’t know what’s being said, you surely can’t make any solid headway moving you past the issue.
There are many ways that you encounter mixed messages. A common one with cheater is using phrases with double-meanings. These cheaters select words and phrases with meanings on two different levels or which can be taken two different ways.
In most cases, there’s a ‘clean’ version and a ‘suggestive’ version. The use of double-meaning phrases are often used in their verbal seduction of lovers.
Potential lovers who think ‘suggestively’ pick up on the cues. Those who don’t, never realize that they’re being hit on. By using the double meaning phrases, the cheater can be dirty without being dirty, so to speak.
When the same double-meaning communications are used in an argument or discussion, this same trait functions like a fog machine that makes it hard to know what is actually going on. By using words that have meanings on multiple levels, you are never sure what you are being told nor if you are being understood. Any interaction becomes a surreal guessing game.
You may even find yourself asking “What just happened?” After many of your interactions with them.
One of the better tools you can use in short-circuiting this behavior is using the phrase ‘What do you mean by that?’ You will need to ask it in a sincere way, since it can come across negatively or caustically.
When they fog you with words (including those with double meanings) you need to counter with asking for meanings. By asking for meanings, you pin them down. You force them to clarify the intention of what they say. The cheater will be operating on the basis that if a phrase has two meanings, they will select the one that allows them the most wiggle room.
The challenge you may face is that when the cheater is telling you the words you want to hear, you will be tempted to select the meaning that best suits you and not push them for details. If there is a history of double-meanings, you have to resist the temptation to assume your interpretation is the right one, and have them ‘clarify’ what they said.
The cheater needs to let you know what they mean when they tell you things.
Many marital issues begin with confused communications. Taking steps of improving communication is critical in improving your marriage.
This is the reason that communication is stressed so much in the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“. Knowing ways of improving communication along with what bad habits disrupt communication are two helps that can turn your marriage around.
The workshop also presents the information in a unique sequence that builds on previous progress. When you make improvements in the right order, your marriage can improve.
Best Regards,
Jeff
