Although you disapprove of affairs, would you consider them decadent behavior? If you do consider them decadent, have you consider your reason for doing so?
The word decadence is associated with “decay”. So decadent behavior is behavior that reveals a decay. The real twist is when you consider what is decayed.
To someone with conservative values, decadent behavior represents a decay in someone’s moral judgement or morals in general. At the same time, someone with progressive values may consider an affair decadent, yet for another reason.
In their case, what is decayed is the whole idea of a spouse believing that they have an exclusive claim on them or their sexual pleasure. For a progressive, it is ‘not right’ to be constrained to one person.
In the cheaters mind, the decadence problem lies in you believing that you have exclusive rights to them. In ‘true’ progressive thinking, they should be able to love who they want, when they want and how they want without hindrance.
In their mind, all lovers are equal. They shouldn’t be limited in the display of their ‘free love’.
The cheater may view your being upset with their brand of equality as being wrong. They may view your ideas of monogamy and commitment as being ‘out of touch’. They may even pressure you to be more equal in the sharing of your love with others.
When you have such a significant difference of opinion on the definition of ‘decadence’, is it any wonder that affairs bring conflict?
Is it any wonder that both cheater and resolute spouse view their position as the ‘right one’, and the other party being the wrong one? With such polarized positions, finding common ground is challenging.
Affairs are decadent. They reveal that your marriage bonds are decayed. They show that the status of marriage is no longer exclusive or sacrosanct.
Affairs lower the status of marriage to ‘live-in lovers’. When your marriage is lowered to that level, you’re forced to choose how you will change your values to accommodate the situation.
Will you elevate marriage at the risk of alienating the cheater or will you lower your views of marriage and morals so as not to ‘offend’ the cheater?
The problem is that once you lower your views, it’s takes considerably greater effort to raise them. It creates a trap where you often see your only option as lowering your standards and views even more.
These are not the kinds of choices you should be having to make. Although you shouldn’t have to make them, the cheater’s actions have placed you in a position to make such choices.
You can find yourself so compromised by choices that you feel trapped. That state of being trapped is what I often refer to as “Affair Trauma”. The good news is that there are ways of moving past that place.
The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” guides you in getting out of that trapped place. If you want to find that way out, click the link, fill out the form and in minutes, you’ll be making changes.
Best Regards,
Jeff
