A question that you may have thought many times is “Whether or not the cheater is evil?” They view themselves as a good person. When they view themselves as good while you see them as evil, communication breaks down.
The two of you are looking at the same actions and coming to different conclusions. Whatever communication the two of you shared is broken.
There is little room for compromise when the two of you are polarized on the good-evil continuum.
I do think that good people can cheat. What people do is very different from who they are.
Although good people can cheat, that doesn’t excuse what they have done. Cheating does not automatically make them ‘evil’.
Although cheating does not automatically make the cheater evil, an important question they need to consider is “Do they recognize the evil in cheating?” Many cheaters do not see the evil in what they did.
They’re blinded to seeing it. In some cases, their blindness is intentional avoiding, yet in more cases, they don’t recognize evil for what it is.
When a cheater doesn’t see the evil in what they did, they won’t be remorseful about it. In their mind, they assume the position of “why as forgiveness for something that is not wrong?”
Instead of attacking the cheater as ‘evil’, you may want to consider attacking the problem of them not viewing the cheating as evil. If the two of you do not agree on this, then there is little common ground to work with in overcoming the affair.
When the both of you see the evil in the cheating, then you can work together. At first it may be acknowledging the evil impact of the cheating. Then you can move to the evilness of the cheating itself.
If you start identifying the cheater as evil, they’ll take it personally and react personally.This means, they’ll get defensive.
When they react, they will quit listening to you. So if you hope to make any headway at overcoming evil, avoid attacking the cheater.
This is just some of the helpful information you’ll find in the download, ‘Affair Recovery Workshop‘. You’ll discover other ways of bringing up issues without high drama fights. The two of you can recover and do so without all defensiveness and fights, when you know what to bring up and how to do it.
The Affair Recovery Workshop guides you in moving past the defensiveness along with rebuilding intimacy in your marriage. You don’t have to lose your spouse to the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
I did look at my husband as evil. He turned his back on me when I needed him the most to have an emotional affair with a co-worker. He was 59 at the time and she was 30. He treated me in ways that I never thought he was capable of. He did nothing to work on our marriage.Almost 3 years after his EA I find out he has been having sex with prostitutes! At the time of his EA he did tell me he had been sexually abused from the age of 5 until almost 15 by his own mother and sister. I had asked several times over the years about that but he denied it. Three years ago I asked him to get therapy but he has not done that either. I brought books, did research etc…and he did nothing. Last night I told him to leave and he did. I know I can not fix him only he can do that but I did offer to stand beside him and support him if he would get help. I guess he is not ready to change. So what did I do or not do that could of changed our marriage?
Confused and Heartbroken,
Thank you for writing. Your situation is indeed both confusing and heartbreaking. You ask a painful question in “what did I do or not do that could of changed our marriage?” Your situation is one that you did not cause. With childhood sexual abuse, the scars from that kind of abuse go very deep. In terms of understanding the situation, Patrick Carnes book, “Out of the Shadows” would be a good start to help you understand what you are dealing with.
With the sexual abuse, the affairs are on a continuum of behavior. The scars from the abuse will need to be addressed and overcome in order for him to have a healthy sex life.
There are many things that you ‘could have’ done. Rather than go through that laundry list, I think it will help you more to ask “What can I do that can change my marriage now?” You can not change the past or what happened there. Your husband entered marriage with some HEAVY baggage. At this point, you may need to allow the pain inside of him build up before he makes the needed changes.
I can tell you that I have more hope for husbands leaving the home than when a wife leaves the home. When you asked him to leave, did you address what he needs to do in order to get back home? You may want to spell that out clearly between you and he. Then you need to stick to what you agreed to. This is important for his recovery and you not compromising away your life. He needs your support and understanding in dealing with issues regarding childhood sexual abuse and a possible sexual addiction issue. The spiral of sexually addictive behavior can spin out of control if not addressed. Your action may be one of the best wake up calls he could have received.
I have most all of the books and I have tried everything I know. I have made it clear to him over and over what he has to do but it’s like it falls on deaf ears. I offered my support several times but he does nothing. I know we can’t change the past, I had baggage myself that I knew I had to let go of in order to move forward in life. I just don’t understand why he would not want the same thing and I really at this point do not know if there is hope for him if he doesn’t get help. He was abused by other people as well.I want to think you for the work you do to try to help others when they feel hopeless. Thank you!
Confused and Heartbroken,
My heart goes out to you. It is hard seeing someone you love going through such turmoil. Waiting for the pain to do its work is a hard thing to do. When it comes to addictions, especially sexual addictions, it can leave you feeling awfully helpless.
From the wording of your response, you are trying to deal with this matter through understanding. That is only one part. Once sexual addictions get their hooks in someone, it is as if they are ‘under the control’ of the addiction. It has a way of taking over their lives, hearts and minds. He will need you to see the person behind the addiction. Many people only see the addiction, rather than see the person trapped inside by the addiction. Such times can try your faith.
A tough question ahead of you is that of ‘how far’ you are willing to go in terms of fulfilling ‘in sickness and in health?’ He is definitely caught up in a sick behavior pattern which started before you came along. Each person he has been with has been incorporated into his soul. Breaking free can be done, although it is not easy. I can get more specific in a private email (Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com). Due to the sensitive nature, I am hesitant to address some parts in a public forum.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
That is what is so heart breaking. He can be the most loving man on earth! He is not evil that is just the way I looked at it at the time. I have not shared a lot here because like you it is a public forum. He did admit he was a sex addict. I will email you. Again thank you for helping so many people.