Some of you have been lied to by your spouse about the affair. Truth be known, all of you have been lied to by them about the affair. Some of you have confronted the lies, while others have accepted the lies.
It is that group, those of you who have accepted the lies that I want to address you this morning.
There are many reasons for ‘living with the lies’. Some of you don’t want to make waves or upset your spouse. In your mind, confronting their lies would ‘just make things worse‘.
If you’re living with someone prone to violence or dealing with a mental illness, this could be a true statement. When you’re under threat of violence or mental illness safety becomes more important than confronting the cheater.
When safety is a concern, it’s always the priority.
It is not by accident that the St. Paul asked the question, “Do I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?” Many cheaters react with intense anger when you confront them with the truth.
Not only is it an intense anger, the immediate rage is so strong that it bends logic and reasoning. There’s also the risk of violence. The risk of violence is always higher in situations where there has been violence before.
If your marriage has a history of violence, you are in a high-risk situation. Whether or not your feel at risk, it is. You need to view your situation factually and not based on your own emotional state in such cases. If there’s been violence, it’s high-risk, even if you feel safe.
In such cases (where there’s violence or a history of it), you feel compelled to suffer in silence when the cheater blatantly lies to you. I understand your situation. This is also the same dynamic that those married to spouses with mental illnesses have to face. The strategy in such situations is to “Know the truth and Pick your battles“.
There are also some of you who do not confront the lies for other reasons. You do not want to know the truth. It is easier to live with the lie, than to face the truth.
In such cases, you are not afraid of violence or mental break-downs, you are not wanting to leave your comfort zone, or you are unsure of “how” to confront the lies. If you don’t know how, I go into that in greater detail in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
There are ways to confront without attacking, and they can be learned. Even with learning the ‘how’, you still need to confront your own fears of inadequacy.
Living with the lies over a long enough period of time leads to complacency. That complacency when allowed to continue long enough leads to a slave-like mentality, where you feel ‘stuck’ and ‘trapped’ without any recourse.
You become immobilized or frozen. This being frozen is the result of many small choices of not confronting lies and behaviors. Each lie that you choose to not confront becomes another link in the chain of your imprisonment.
In this case, it’s not your marriage that’s oppressing you, it is your avoidance of confronting the lies.
When you make the wrong assumptions about the cause of the problem, you will have the wrong solutions. An affair does not mean the end of your marriage, it does mean changes are needed.
When you choose not to confront, the problem is not the marriage, it is your own fears.
Best Regards,
Jeff
