“Will they do it again?”

 

One of the challenging questions that comes with affairs and surviving your spouse’s affair concerns whether or not they will do it again. Assuming that you and your spouse decide to work through the affair, you’ll likely hear many promises about how “I’ll NEVER do it again”.

You may even be the one insisting that they give you assurances that they’ll never do it again. It is only human nature to want the security of a ‘promise’ that they will not do it again.

Although I understand how you want the assurance that they’ll not do it again, my experience is that having that expectation carries with it some problems with it.

One of the problems is that the cheater is speaking in terms of ‘absolutes‘. When someone commits that they ‘will never, ever’ do something, or that they will ‘always’ do something or some other absolute phrases, the stage is being set for trouble.

The cheater can give you assurances about how they;ll deal with temptations, or how they do not ever want to disappoint you. These kind of assurances are realistic.

When they promise that they will NEVER do it again, such promises create problematic mental structures in the cheater’s head.  It sets them up for future failures.

When you’re working your way through an affair, a part of you wants such assurances so bad that you don’t see the danger they pose.

Bear in mind that the cheater made similar promises to you when they married you. How well did they keep those promises?

And now you are taking them at their word again?

They’ve already shown you how well they keep promises. Instead of pressing them about future commitments, focus on realistic commitments, like what they are promising to do NOW.

When cheaters really change, there will be changes in their thinking and in their behavior.

Look for changes in their behavior. Their actions will show you whether or not they are committed to you.

They will also show you the strength of that commitment. They may be sincere in their desire to stick with their commitment to your marriage.

When cheaters really change they’ll ‘make up’ for what they did. Not just apologize, they will take steps to undo and repair the damage they caused.

They will start assuming responsibility rather than avoiding it. When they assume responsibility without blaming and without excuses, and live consistent with how they talk, you then have the answer to whether they will ‘do it again’.

The cheater often has to take life ‘one day at a time’. In taking one day at a time, they deal with the pressures and challenges of that day, rather than making promises and commitments about days in the future.

They do not know what the future may bring.When they start focusing too much on the future, they often ‘freak’ and do things to sabotage what progress the two of you have made.

Expecting an ‘oath-breaker’ to saddle themselves with an even bigger life-long commitment may scare them. In such cases, rebuild your marriage one day at a time. Commit to love them and be with them TODAY. You can not even make promises about tomorrow, yet you are expecting them to do so.

The video, “Preventing Affair Relapse” guides you in what can be done to keep the risk of them doing it again low. There are concrete steps you can take in response to “Will they do it again?”

The sooner you order it, the sooner you have a solid answer to “Will they do it again?

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

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