When you decide on stopping the affair, one of the bridges you have to cross is dealing with the urge to relapse with you affair partner. You may call them a ‘partner’ in the sense of the two of you jointly doing something, yet your spouse may refer to them as your ‘lover’ or more likely some harsher terms.
Leaving the affair means leaving behind part of your life, with all that it entails. It means leaving behind memories, daydreams, hopes, experiences and the unique thing that the two of you shared. Many times the naturally occurring urges are ‘energized’ by your longing to return to some of those parts.
The urges are natural. As humans we often want to return to places and people that made us feel special. The problem is that with an affair, that relationship should not have ever happened. The feelings may have been real, but the circumstances and situation make it something that should have never happened.
You don’t have to give into the urges. Giving into them, even when you just entertain the fantasy or daydream about it, will only make the urge stronger and lead you to a relapse.
In order to resist the urges, you will have to accept that you can not ‘play’ with them. The urges are a dangerous fire that will burn you if you play with them. It often helps to think more about the consequences than the benefits.
When you focus on the benefits of the urge or romanticize them, it makes them harder to resist. It’s hard saying no to an affair when you enjoyed it. Looking and acknowledging the consequences will cut off the power from the urge.
Think about where the urge will take you in terms of consequences. Will it improve your marriage? Will it lead to more serenity and create more harmony around you? Will it improve your communication? Will it get you closer to your spouse? Will it get you closer to God? If your urge does not make these things better, you need to leave it alone.
It may also help if you view the urge as something that you picked up out of the gutter. When you view it through that lens, it will be easier to resist. You may have to remind yourself that when it comes from the gutter, it will take you to the gutter.
When it comes from the gutter, it will leave you covered with slime and you will smell like the gutter. Finding things in the gutter also means that your eyes are not on your spouse. You are looking at the gutter. In order to find what’s in the gutter, you had to be looking in the gutter in the first place.
And when you’re ready to take it to the next level and get serious, the video “Dealing with Affair Relapse” gives you more help concerning handling triggers, developing a relapse prevention plan and early warning signs of relapse. Getting more help is better than diving deeper into the affair with a relapse.
Best Regards,
Jeff
