Marriage Counseling Risks

 

Many of you will seek the option of marriage counseling after the affair. Although it can bring some benefits, there are also some notable risks that you need to be aware of.

First, consider whether your counselor is willing to address the affair as a main issue. In order to get past the affair, you will need to address the affair. You are not addressing the affair when it is a sideline rather than a main focus of your therapy sessions.

It also helps if you know your counselor’s values regarding affairs. If they view the affair as ‘no big deal’ or ‘just another coping mechanism’, you may be disappointed in moving past the affair.

This is important in view of the next issue of honesty. If the counselor is not being honest with you, it is doubtful that honesty will be stressed in the sessions.

When the therapist isn’t honest about their views on affairs, there is the possibility that they may hide some aspects of the affair from you. One of you may have shared information with them, which they are not sharing with the two of you. This with holding of information is of course ‘in your best interest’ or ‘for your own good’.

This kind of dynamic sets up secret keeping and wanting to withhold information, since it may hurt other people’s feelings. When hurt feelings take precedent over the truth, you are dealing with a fairy tale and not a marriage.

When working on overcoming an affair, keeping secrets is counter-productive. It works against the two of you resolving the issues. You may feel better after the therapy, but that does not mean that the affair issues are closer to being resolved.

You also cannot assume that because they present themselves as a “Christian” counselor that they will share your values regarding affairs. Twenty years ago, such a label meant adherence to a particular set of values, yet over the past couple of decades, much has changed.

Many pastor and Christian counselors have all the trappings and label of being Christian, yet their values regarding affairs are no different than non-Christian counselors.

Some off the mainline denominations have compromised their moral positions on issues such as affairs. This means you can no longer go by the labels.

You’ll need to ask them about their values regarding affairs and make sure that their values and yours are compatible. If they do not see anything wrong with an affair, they’ll not likely view it as an issue requiring attention and focus.

Your marriage is at risk. This is your personal life that you are asking someone to help you with. For that reason, you need someone who cares about you and your marriage as much as you do.

If the counselor doesn’t believe in marriage and ‘hate’ affairs, the likelihood that you’ll resolve the issues is small.

Now you know the risks. It is my hopes that you consider them in seeking counseling help for your marriage.

In the ‘Affair Recovery Workshop‘, I deal with affairs and the many issues that go with them in a marriage. The communication, intimacy and conflict solving that are all important. I also ‘hate’ affairs and believe in marriage. That’s why I’m telling you this up front.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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5 Responses

  1. Oh so much wisdom in these cautions. When d day hits people are in such a state of imbalance and with severe emotional pain often there is a need to just bounce all the i credibility off someone but being saavy is not a an ill that is floating on top of ones mind at thT time. Even with years of being invested in the faith there is nothing that prepared me for the way thisRticular form of betrayal hit me and the following multitude of ways my body and mind were impacted and for how long.
    Even with any past romantic experiences with some incidences of betrayal nothing prepares you for infidelity of such proportions .Today there is MONEY to be made in the fallout from adultery.
    Close friends and family are too close and because they care for you caution is called for.unbelievers or those who do not know the Word well or are not mature in faith and knowledge of Biblical marriage indeed may do us upon the wrong paradigm. Slow and persistent evaluation of “help” is wise.Sadly many hurting are short on patience in this kind of tsunami.

    1. Zaza,

      Thank you for your comments and sharing your insights regarding the marriage counseling experience. I have seen many marriages hurt and helped through the counseling. It is important that a couple find someone who addresses the affair and does so skillfully. The couple are vulnerable at that time and in need of healing. Like poorly done surgery, the operation is completed, yet some have not operated directly on the area needing attention. The affair needs the attention and resolution.

      It grieves me when I hear of counselors/therapists who hide important aspects of the affair, in a type of collusion with the cheater. It is also grievous when the counselor colludes with the betrayed in jointly ‘attacking’ the cheater. It is important to confront and deal with the issues with a brutal honesty, keeping in mind that the goal is healing the relationship, not “punishing” the cheater.

      You mentioned how your body and mind were effected. These are some of the items that need attention. Those pains are real, the damage is real and need to be part of the discussion about the affair. Each party needs to ‘hear-out’ the other in terms of how the affair effected them along with how to move past that toward healing.

  2. Thanks for your continued helpful remarks .I hope those in dire need find your site and are able to process the wisdom you offer.
    Btw post from my phone is difficult to type properly but you got the points .🏆

    1. Zaza,

      I understand about posting from the phone. I have gotten to the point where I do not even try posting from my phone. Instead, I use it to check things, NOT post. 🙂

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