Affair relapse is never a good thing. Although you may interpret the relapse as a rejection of you, your marriage, and your family, when you are dealing with a sexual addict, and their sexually addicted brain, you do not want to be too hasty to jump to conclusions.
With sexually addicts, relapses mean that they wanted some ‘action’. Many things may have triggered their desire for action.
Since they’re accustomed to giving into their urges, they returned to the patterns they know. For them, the affair is more about ‘getting their buzz on’ or ‘finding some action’ than it is about rejecting you or giving up on your marriage.
They use sex as a way to ‘turn on’ or activate parts of their brain. They only feel alive when they are indulging in their addiction. It’s only when all the lights are flashing and sirens blaring that they feel alive.
If you are married to a sex addict, there will never be enough sex, and it will never be ‘stimulating’ enough for them. They crave a level of stimulation way beyond the ‘normal’ range.
For them sex is not about love, it is about getting their ‘fix’. When they are turned on, it has to be at an extreme level. It is only then that they feel alive.
Although they may use the term ‘alive’ in describing their experience, what is actually going on is that their brain wants a high level of stimulation and sex is often their preferred way of reaching this level.
Each relapse is about them going back to their old ways of reaching their ‘high’. They may even talk about how they feel ‘driven’ by the urges. In order to move past the addiction, they will need to get used to life in the slow lane, and gear their brain down.
They’ll also need to talk to you about urges and finding healthier ways of dealing with those urges. They’ll need to feel free to make choices rather than feeling like they have to give into their urges.
The sexually addicted brain operates differently than the non-addicted brain. Addicted brains process information differently, it looks at situations differently, it solves problems differently.
With the advances in technology such as the SPECT (Single-photon emission computed tomography) researchers are able to see those differences in brain functioning. They are not just acting weird, their brains operate differently than non-addicted brains.
What this means in terms of affairs is that sexually addicted cheaters are not rejecting you when they have an affair.
It also means that they need to be TOTALLY honest in terms of talking about affairs and their addictions in order for the two of you to find ways of dealing with the situation. When they are not honest, it will hinder the ability for the two of you to deal effectively with affair situations.
If you or someone you know is at risk of Affair Relapse, there’s hope. the video “Preventing Affair Relapse” gives you the specifics needed in identifying the warning signs and developing a workable plan of reducing the risks. You’ll discover triggers along with what you need for a Relapse Prevention Plan.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
