Shame versus the Affair Fantasy

 

Long after the affair is over, you will still find yourself dealing with shame. Although both you and the cheater should be facing shame, in today’s society, there are some people that are unmoved by shame. Narcissists are one group that shame has little or not impact on.

In previous generations, even the possibility of shame was enough to keep urges in check and avoid behaviors that would put your marriage at risk with an affair. You didn’t want to bring shame to your marriage, your family or yourself.

In today’s society, the restraining power of shame no longer restrains some people. It’s not that shame no longer exists, it’s more that the power of the affair fantasy is greater than the threat of shame.

There are many reasons why the affair fantasy is so powerful. One reason is the tremendous emphasis society places on recreational sex. Sex is no longer about procreation, it is now recreation.

It’s now used by many as the measurement of their happiness in marriage. Couples are now told that your marital happiness is tracked by sex.  It’s encouraged in the media, in the churches and movies.

Sex is used in selling and promoting many products. It is amazing to consider how if you use the right shampoo, drink the right beer, use the right toothpaste, take the right medications and purchase the right kind of car, how much sex you have been promised in the commercials.

All this emphasis fuels the affair fantasy. When the affair fantasy is powerful enough, it breaks free from any restraining influence of shame.  The part of the brain that hears the message about how sex is GOOD for you and a measure of happiness grows stronger than the part that puts limits on it.

The cheater’s brain hears the message along with blocking out the undesirable part. How can they avoid the message, when they’re bombarded by it everywhere they go?

Shame is also viewed as a negative thing in today’s society. Shame is actually a good thing. There are some acts and behaviors that are shameful.

There was a good reason that previous generations used the term “Shame, shame”  or “Shame on you” in reaction to affairs. It is not that they were immune to them. They knew how destructive affairs are to relationships.

Shame is carried by both the cheater and the betrayed. It is an indelible mark on the lives of those directly impacted by the affair. Shame remains long after the forgiveness issues are resolved.

Shame has even followed some couples to their graves and beyond, with their grandchildren still referring to the affair and its negative impact.

Unlike broken bones and scars, you often do not see the physical evidence of shame. Even though you  do not see it, the effects are very real and very powerful.

Even though today’s society tries disregarding shame, the reality is that it is still with us. Shame is not only with us, it always catches up with every cheater and their families.  No one can outrun shame.

Best Regards,

Jeff

You Might Also Like To Read:

3 Responses

  1. Though sexual sin has been sold to us as “hip” and glamorous a broken heart is still one of the outcomes along with shame…if the cheaters did not have ANY shame why lie, sneak and thrill to the idea of “putting one over on ” everyone that SHOULD matter
    One mystery to me , in spite of the way I understand the spiritual influences on people is how their own children do not matter enough to them to turn from such destructive choices….so sad how this continues after now 8 years after DDay.
    One lesson that is being taught to the children born of the Sultey is that no one is being hurt and that they are somehow special and entitled now because their father. has. Bowen them over his wife and family! Even as he has.no relationship with their mom …the OW
    It’s so twisted and he gets to live as he chooses with no one the wiser since I refuse to. be the one to out him to those he works with or his family
    Guess some feel that is “my bad” I don’t think it is my place if he is ever going to take responsibility himself
    Patience because our God is at work even when we don’t SEE it….yet

    1. Zaza,

      Good hearing from you! It is true that sexual sin has been sold to society as ‘hip’, and many have fallen into that trap. This could not have happened in such a widespread manner had the whole purpose of marriage not been changed beforehand. In previous generations, marriage was an institution where you raised your children and learned to love. When that idea changed to marriage being a relationship that you could enter and exit, then to where marriage was about having a monogamous sexual partner. These sequences of changes have led to where we are today. If the definition and purpose of marriage had not been altered, then sex as being hip and glamorous would not be so widespread. Consider how in the 1940’s many soldiers avoided sex due to fears of STD’s and pregnancy. Now that antibiotics are abundant and pregnancy prevention is widely available, the door has been opened to licentiousness in the ranks. In a similar way, the changes that have taken place in not only the definition of marriage, but the use of technology, we have created a monster of sexual sin.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Popular Posts