In going through the responses to the “Affair Recovery Index” (e.g. the survey that was on theSurviveYourPartnersAffair.com site), one of the questions asked was ‘Will marriage counseling help?”
I found your responses to the question intriguing. Although the assumption is often made that when an affair is discovered, you need to see the marriage counselor.
In some cases, that assumption may be making things worse. Marriage counseling, like all counseling is not risk free. There are always risks with counseling.
One risk is that the counselor will change the focus of the counseling from ‘dealing with the affair’ to something else. Just because you are going to a marriage counselor does not mean that they view the affair as an issue like you do.
There’s also the risk that they may not even believe in marriage or that marriage is a ‘real relationship’. How are they going to help you improve something that they do not believe exists?
I was recently blown away at how one nationally known ‘affair specialist’ advertising helping people with their marriage after an affair states in his material, ‘there is no marriage’.
On seeing his proclamation, in his book, it makes me wonder if people are actually reading what he’s telling them and considering what he’s saying.
How can a marriage counselor who views marriage as a non-existent status help you improve yours?
I wonder what it is that he helps couples with if not their marriage? When he doesn’t believe your marriage exist, how can he help you with yours?
This means you’ll first want to know if a marriage counselor believes in marriage and if they view the affair as a focus of treatment. Another surprise in the “Affair Recovery Index” findings is that 25% of the marriage counselors didn’t encourage honest communication about the affair.
When 25% of the marriage counselors are not encouraging honest communication about the affair, what is the likelihood that the issues concerning the affair will be addressed or even resolved in your marriage?
Counselors are skilled in handling conflict and communication issues. They can help the two of you open up in some new ways. This is both good and bad.
It’s always good to have better communication, but once the communication is opened up, you may find yourselves facing issues that the both of you were willing to tolerate before. The counseling will definitely take you both out of your comfort zones.
My own experience is that couples, like yourselves often have a better idea of what you need in your marriage than I do. There are times you may need some direction or ‘coaching’ as to how you are going about things.
Like a coach who gives you feedback on technique, you may need some pointers on how to work through the conflicts and roadblocks. Counselors who give you such pointers along with focusing on the affair can help you see new options and help the two of you discover new strengths in your marriage.
Although many counselors present themselves as being skilled in all areas, like a mechanic that claims they can fix ‘any’ car, you will want to find the right one. You want someone who is skilled in dealing with affairs and believes in marriage.
Marriage counselors can help, yet you need to find the ‘right’ one for you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
