When you’re dealing with an affair, the topic of keeping secrets is often a heated one. When there are an abundance of secrets, the trust level plummets.
When the tensions in your marriage related to the secrets gets to the point where it’s unbearable, you may consider going to a counselor.
In going to a marriage counselor, you’ll encounter several hurdles. The first is often just the selection of the counselor.
You find that you and the cheater disagree on who the two of you will see. The argument points may be over the gender, or the confrontational aspects of the counselor or some other aspect. It’s often easier finding problems with the counselor than admitting that the two of you have different goals
Once a counselor is selected, you’ll have the challenge of getting you and your spouse to the sessions. Many cheaters resist going to the counselor, followed by resisting opening up to the counselor.
The resistance takes many forms. It can show up as ‘forgetting’ appointments, distracting the attention of the counselor, bringing up ‘false issues’ or blatantly lying.
The methods may change, but the effect is the same. They seek sabotaging the counseling by keeping the counselor from focusing on the issue of the affair.
This brings me to the issue of handling the ‘secrets of the counselor’. The counselor may also be keeping secrets from you. When you find yourself feeling like you did when your spouse kept secrets from you, there is a reason for this.
That reason is that your mind and body recognize the same dynamics happening to you again.
Counselors often keep secrets from you. Secrets about affairs. It could be that their value system is one that condones affairs, while they act as if they want to help you past the affair.
They may be hiding the secret that they really don’t know how to deal with affairs, or that they secretly want to have an affair with you or the cheater themselves. Each of these can have an impact on the session. If the counselor has had an affair themselves, having crossed the lines of marital faithfulness, they know how easy it can be.
Secrets like these can impact the marriage counseling. When they are kept from you, they may be hiding something big.
When secrets like these are being hid, you may want to ask, “How effective can they be in dealing with my affair?” “How objective will they be in handling your affair situation?” “How directly will they address affair related issues?”
When secrets impact your marriage, doesn’t it make sense that they’ll impact your counseling as well? When your marriage is at stake, you want to consider questions such as these.
When your are surrounded by more secrets than honesty, you’ll want the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” It’s already clear that there are trust issues. Getting those resolved is key to finding a place where the two of you can make progress working together to rebuild your marriage.
Keeping secrets is a sure sign that there are issues concerning trust.
Just click the link, fill out the form and start the changes in your marriage. Starting with a good foundation of trust will help any counseling or recovery work go much smoother.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
CH has degree in psych from prestigious University…slept during his sessions…aka pricie nap time!
Counselor wanted a lengthy relation to go deep on hubby’s head(maybe needed an addition on his house!?)
Hope others have better outcomes.
Zaza,
That nap time is interesting. That is often a sign of either resistance on the part of the counselor OR that the person talking is BS’ing. When people are genuine and honest, there is a different energy than when they are merely ‘running off at the mouth’ with BS. There are some interesting findings coming out of the “Affair Recovery Index” on similar matters. It has revealed that many of the counselors (40-50%) do not make the affair their main focus. When such a large percentage of counselors do not encourage discussion of the issue, there is not a lot of hope of resolving it.
Hmmmm seems maybe how I wrote this it sounded like the counselor slept. My husband slept but I think you are right secrets often times are hidden as the guilty nap this avoiding confrontation with the reality
As for the counselor I think for me he was just a sounding board since when hiuerinf from first discovery what I needed was to felt heard
The lack of true remorse in how my husband coveted his “sorrow” was unconvincing to say the least because he was still justifying not “kicking ” the ow to the curb because of their having had two children and having carried on for so many years .
Still he insisted he did not think I was missing anything having had a nice house and all kinds of “amenities”!
That’s when I am glad I had written him notes over the years trying to convey our missing him in so many areas of family life and his missing out
These were never in a form of condemnation but even extending appreciation for how hard he was working and reminding him that from the first for years while extending gratitude and admiration for his work ethic and generosity I valued HIM above stuff and status
Those notes kept were proof that I had tried to indo him of how much he was missed lives and needed
His mind is still believing he is being a great guy even as he has devised his own best “solution” to a very difficult situation at least for those who don’t regard God’s order of priorities for married men