I often hear “I just want my spouse to be honest with me!” This exclamation leaves me feeling sad. Hearing the desperation in their voices and anguish in their words knots up my gut.
Some of you may even be saying this or something like it with tears in your eyes.
You want them to be honest. You may even tell yourself that you are a big girl or boy and can handle whatever they have to say. Although you tell yourself such statements, my experience is that most couples have trouble with honesty.
They want honesty, yet are not used to hearing, much less taking action on such honest communication. Honesty sounds good, yet many of you may have trouble dealing with it when it happens.
Let me share a story with you. In the counseling office, Linda sat sobbing. She wanted her husband, Steve to be honest with her. She was in tears begging him to ‘open up’ and be honest with her.
Steve was at wit’s end. He often heard her pleas and cajoling about why couldn’t he be an adult and talk to her like an adult, or if she was really frustrated, Linda attacked his manhood with comments like “Be a man and be honest with me!”
Steve finally heard it enough.
After a long silent pause, he began opening up with some honest statements. As Steve began expressing himself honestly in terms of what he was feeling and thinking, the whole mood in the room changed. Linda was initially relieved, but then grew more restless. As Steve continued, she showed signs of agitation.
As he continued, she at times jumped forward in her chair as to interrupt him. I could see her jaws clench as she began holding herself back. She wanted to interrupt him and ‘set his straight’ on his statements. I could see that his opening up was opening up some things in her as well.
In this scenario, Linda was able to control herself. More times than not, one spouse is unable to do so. They blurt out their disagreement, or call the cheater a liar or some other name.
The name calling, accusations and interruptions have an immediate chilling effect on the whole conversation.It is as if a giant black curtain came crashing down between the two of them.
You may have to ask yourself if you could handle your spouse being honest with you. When they start talking about what they think and feel, how will you react?
Are you going to allow them to finish what they are saying?
When what they say does not line up with your version of events, are you going to interrupt them?
In the case of Steve and Linda, she was ready to hear Steve’s honesty. Although inside her body, there were reactions, she managed controlling them. Those reactions are often part of the affair story as well.
When your body reacts to things, there are connections. Many other spouses did not control themselves.
Deanna totally lost it when her spouse opened up. She jumped out of her chair, put her finger in her husbands face and began alternating between sobbing, preaching and berating her spouse.
On witnessing her reaction, I could see how her husband did not want to open up with her. It was not safe to open up. What made it worse was that she justified what she had done by saying “I was just being honest!”
At those times, I often recall St. Paul’s haunting question “Do I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?”
Deanna and her husband acted more like enemies than spouses. When honesty is not handled it, it has that effect. Honesty changes things. It can make it better or worse.
That’s why I often ask clients “How honest do you want me to be?” The question often throws them off for a moment. It gives them an opportunity to set the level of honesty they can handle. You may have to consider that the next time you want honesty. How honest do you want your spouse to be?
Best Regards,
Jeff
