Can an Affair be a mistake?

 

 

 

Michael, who rarely cried was now pleading with his wife Rachel. “I made a mistake!” He desperately wanted Rachel to accept his pleadings. Whenever he was caught doing something bad as a child, he often claimed “I made a mistake” and it often made things better.

In terms of mistakes, the affair he had was the biggest one in his life. Now that it was ‘out’, he hoped that Rachel accepted his plea about it being a mistake.

“What was a mistake?” Rachel asked sharply. Her questions cut through Michael. No one had ever asked him that before. He stumbled for his words as he mentally reviewed the whole affair situation unfolding in his mind. He never considered what part of what he did was ‘the mistake’.

He wanted Rachel to view it as a mistake, yet he never considered what part of the affair was the mistake.

‘Was it his thinking he could have an affair without consequences?”, ‘Was it his hiding the affair?’, ‘Was it his picking the wrong woman to have an affair with?’, ‘Was the mistake his way of handling Rachel?’ or was it something deeper.

Rachel was smart enough to know that this was not a time for fast answers. She knew Micheal well enough to know that if he responded quickly, it probably meant that he was giving her a pre-packaged answer.

It meant that he planned and rehearsed this situation in his head before this conversation. Pre-packaged answers meant that planning was involved, which also meant that his plea, ‘I made a mistake’ was canned. It was a script that he had rehearsed.

Rachel was savvy enough to know that a mistake is MORE than admitting wrong. A mistake is an ‘error in judgement’. She wanted to know if Micheal knew where he messed up in his thinking or whether he messed up in not counting on getting caught. Part of her wanted a quick answer.

Rachel wanted to move past the whole affair mess as fast as possible. She also wanted to make sure that it was totally ‘over’. She wanted it ripped out by the roots and thrown away.

In order to get to the root issues, she had to be honest with herself and with Michael. She also had to demand honesty from him and from herself. She had to be ready to hear what he had to say.

As she waited for Micheal’s response to her question about what the mistake was, the seconds seemed to pass slowly.

If you have had a similar conversation, you will want to consider what is a mistake and what the cheater considers their mistake being. When you put them on the spot, they  find themselves surprised or even angry.

Even Scripture poses the question, “Am I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?” (Galatians 4:16). There’s a connection between being exposes to the truth and angry blow-ups.

During such moments, they may give you canned responses, distract you in some way, or sit there like a deer in the headlights, finding themselves stunned.

They have not seriously thought about what they consider the mistake. Since a mistake is an error in judgement, what did they make a bad judgement about?

Such moments are challenging. When they happen in your marriage, will you be ready? The “Affair Recovery Workshop” uses videos in presenting you will skills for handling challenges like this.

Knowing what to ask and how to do it help turn a bad situation around rather than being trapped on a high-drama merry-go-round.  Just click on the link, fill out the form and start turning your marriage around.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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