Michelle was furious at her husband’s latest behaviors. She wondered “Does he have any shame?” She was sick and tired of his flirting and womanizing. There were times he even went so far as to suggest that they bring another person into their sex lives!
Michelle thought that it was bad enough that he suggested the idea, now he was actively pressuring her into it. Besides putting pressure on her, he actively searched ads for the other woman!
On top of that he continues his flirting and chasing after other women whenever she was not there to watch him. Many times Michelle felt more like his parent than his wife.
She found his behaviors and comments infuriating and disgusting at the same time. She felt sick to her stomach whenever she thought about what happened.
This time she knew that she had to do something to stop it. Michelle decided it was time to ‘teach him a lesson’. Since this was a whole new experience for her, she began searching for “How to teach your husband a lesson’.
If you can relate to Michelle and had similar experiences, you know how desperate they will leave you feeling. You also know how extreme your thinking gets in those situations. There are times that you want to teach your spouse a lesson that they will never forget.
One of the problems with ‘teaching lessons’ is that it one-up game. That means you assume a one-up position on your spouse in order to ‘teach’ them a lesson. You become a parent to them.
If your relationship already has issues of irresponsibility, where one spouse acts more like a child than an adult, then ‘teaching them a lesson’ will only make things worse. Yes, I said worse.
When you take on the role of teacher, you are no longer being a spouse. Instead of turning your marriage into a relationship between two adults, you are taking the counterpoint to their immature childish behavior and going to the other extreme of being ‘their parent’.
In teaching them a lesson, you take a conflict between spouses to a new level, but not in a good way. You turn your marriage into a parent vs. child power struggle. When your marriage does this, neither of you is being a spouse or spouse-like.
Instead of escalating the power struggle, consider what you can do that fosters an adult to adult relationship. The more you treat them like a child, the more they will act like a child.
Your reactions to your spouse may be training them to be more childish. By giving in to your urges of scolding them, or teaching them a lesson, or preaching to them, you are shaping a relationship dynamic which is the opposite of what you say you want.
Adults talk things through. Adults help each other find solutions. Adults find ways of working through the shortcomings and weaknesses of each other.
If you don’t know where to start in talking to your spouse, the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” will guide you in getting started. You may have never been taught ways of communicating in such situations.
Click on the link, fill out the form and start making improvements in your martial communication in minutes. The time you spend watching will save you hours of miserable miscommunication and fighting.
Best Regards,
Jeff
