Affair Communication Breakdown

Maria wants Michael to know what’s going on inside her. Micheal demands to know

“What’s going on”, and she wants to tell him, but it never works out. She knows he’s frustrated.  She’s frustrated herself.

Every time she tries talking with him, something happens.  Maria decides that she will tell him what he wants to know, but when she starts, he interrupts her.

He wants her to know all about his pain, yet never allows her to start talking about hers. Then he accuses her of being selfish by not telling him what she feels or thinks.

What really hurts is when he starts calling her names. At that point, Maria crumples up and shuts down again. Every time she starts coming out of her shell, he beats her up emotionally. Michael says that his name calling and interruptions are because “I love you so much”.

Michael says he wants to know what she is thinking. When Maria starts telling Michael what she thinks, he corrects her, or starts preaching to her or finding some other way to devalue what she has to say.

Maria’s head spins in confusion. Michael says he wants to know, but his actions say that he does not want to know. Each time they talk, he gets more demanding about Maria talking to him, and at the same time shuts her down when she starts talking.

If your situation is like Michael and Maria’s, you know how painful and frustrating it can be. Both of them are hurting. They want connection with each other and then sabotage their communication. Michael has not learned the importance of creating “an atmosphere of safety” when it comes to affair recovery.

Instead of making it safe for Maria to talk, his own neediness has made the situation hostile to any self-disclosure. Their home is not emotionally safe.

Michael probably thinks that he is way ahead of other husbands in that he is wanting to talk. He does not realize how his efforts at communicating are pushing Maria further away from him.

When there is no atmosphere of safety, communication breaks down. One spouse often becomes more demanding and the other withdraws for their own safety. This does not feel safe, it does not feel secure and it is surely not loving and accepting.

Contrast this with a home where you experience ’emotional safety’. When you feel safe, you are more inclined to talk. When you are safe, you can open up your heart. The two of you can connect with each other again.

Although Michael had good intentions, he is ‘missing it’.  The sad part is that he likely believes he is really trying hard to repair his marriage. He is trying, his heart is in it, but he has the wrong blueprint for what he is after. His “John Wayne approach” is great for western movies, but lousy for recovering from affairs.

Maria is faced with a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. When faced with such situations, most spouses shut down. A confused mind shuts down. The mixed messages Michael gives her are shutting down rather than opening up communication.

Sound impossible? Sounds like an unachievable dream?

There are things you can do to create an atmosphere of safety. There are steps you can take to make it easier for your spouse to open up and connect with you.

You can find out more about ways of establishing an atmosphere of safety and “Affair Recovery Workshop“. If Michael and Maria’s situation sounds familiar, your marriage will benefit from the material on safety, improving intimacy and communication in the workshop.

It’s possible to have a marriage where you feel safe, where the two of you can share. When you know how to do it, those kind of changes are achievable.

That kind of change starts when you click the link and order the workshop. Within minutes the two of you will start a journey of recovery from the chaos you’ve been enduring.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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