When a long term affair happens,you feel like you’re the only one this has happened to. Let me assure you that you’re not alone.
It’s hard to find a community that will openly discuss the subject. The shame associated with infidelity, and what seems like a lack of willingness for others to talk about their own affairs makes it a very isolated experience. The fact that it was long term adds to the pain you carry.
The fear of being judged prevents men from admitting they have been unfaithful or seeking help in mending their ways. They fear losing face.
After the post on ‘long term affairs‘, I received requests for more information on them.
Using the definition of long term affair of 15 months or longer, this is what I found. From recent unpublished findings from the “Affair Recovery Index”, long term affairs account for 25.8% of affairs in a study of 519 couples that were involved with affairs.
John Gottman found some similar results to what the Affair Recovery Survey uncovered. His findings were; “50% of affairs last more than one month but less than one year, and 30% last two or more years.”
This amounts to over 1/4 or 25% of affairs. This is not a number you can dismiss. That number indicates that a significant number of affairs are of the long-term type, with 20% of the affairs lasting 2 or more years.
First, since every party involved with a long-term affair makes accommodations in order for the affair to continue, there are a number of you who ‘adjusted’ your lives to ‘make room’ for the affair.
This includes wives who started to accept their husband’s absences because of the affair, or husbands who made it a point to ‘get away’ from home for work trips.
With these changes in your life, you may have lost sight of what you want and need in your long term marriage.
Whether or not you were aware of it, changes happened allowing the dynamics to continue. Keep in mind that when you’re accommodating by turning a blind eye to situations where there are work wives and work husbands it only allows things to continue.
The accommodation occurs on conscious and unconscious levels. You may even deny signs of the affair, preferring ignoring them rather than facing them. The cheater may have lied to you about the situation, in which case, both of you have accommodated the affair.
You are not alone in having to accommodate someone’s long-term affair. When you decide that this is intolerable, and try to change the situation, you can only succeed if the cheater chooses to work with you on changing it. This sounds good, yet human nature often resists changing situations they are enjoying.
Besides the work wife and work husband, there are also situations where the affairs are structured to happen when the spouse isn’t home. There’s a broad spectrum of activities this covers.
At one extreme is a spouse who has their affairs while the other spouse is at work.
I saw this happen growing up in Pasadena, Texas. The city is home to many chemical and petroleum plants. Many of the shift workers took advantage of lonely spouses at home while the other was at work.
These were always touchy situations since some of the workers also had affairs on their spouses while at work. Both turned blind eyes to the affairs happening in front of them.
Since needs were being met, the situation often continued on a long-term basis.
At the other extreme is a spouse who has an affair when they are leaving for work and returning from work. The excuse of being ‘late from work’ or needing to go in early are actually excuses for making time for their peccadilloes.
Like those in Pasadena, they’re married couples that opportunistically do their thing while the other isn’t at home to watch them.
These marriages often have spouses who feel they can’t count on ‘being taken care of’ if
There are some built in vulnerabilities with shift-worker marriages that cheaters exploited to their advantage. Constantly changing schedules, having too much time on their hand, and not being under supervision opened the door for trouble.
There were many affairs where co-workers hooked up with lonely spouses, and also between fellow co-workers at the plants they worked at.
I’ve also seen the other extreme of where the lover takes on a spousal role with the cheater when they’re in another town or ‘traveling for business’. This may even take on a trucker-truckstop mentality, where the cheater has lovers at various locations to service their perceived needs.
Another variation of the trucker mentality is the railroad version of that arrangement. It was not uncommon for some railroad workers to have families at each end of the lines they worked for. It was often a matter of convenience.
With long term affairs, a ‘temporary situation’ has become permanent in nature. You wonder, “How does that happen?” Married spouses are viewed as being safe since they want to keep the relationship within certain boundaries. Married spouses don’t want to rock the boat.
Since they do not want to get too involved or just keep things on a physical level, many cheaters find this an ideal risk they are willing to take.
The cheater doesn’t want to be found out and neither does the married lover. They have a vested interest in keeping the secret and keeping their relationship on a leash.
In some ways, the relationship may even take on attributes of a business partnership, except this business involves sex and companionship. The more the relationship takes on the business-like partnership, the less emotional investment occurs.
This does not lessen the emotional impact of the affair, it only lessens the kind of guilt the cheater and lover experience. The more routine it becomes, the more numbed out they become to the guilt. In many ways, with routine, the affair changes from an adventure to a job.
One of the big problems with these long-term affairs is when one of the parties experiences a severe accident, health problems or death.
Such crises put strain on the unnatural relationships. When people and relationships are under such extreme stresses, there are often unpredictable reactions. Since the normal closure and loss can not occur, things can get weird in a hurry. There are struggles as to who will be the caregiver and who is the ‘real’ spouse.
Long term affairs often have a stable nature, but that does not mean that they are harmless or do minimal damage. They are every bit as destructive as temporary affairs.
An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage.
Even the damage from long term affairs can be overcome.This is why I created the video “Dealing with Affair Trauma” . It takes you through the healing from situations like long-term affairs.
The longer the affairs been going on, the more damage it’s done. If you want the hurting to stop and get on with life, you want the video on Affair Trauma.
Best Regards,
Jeff
13 Responses
One thing that I experienced while my husband engaged with the OW over many years is not only did I lose out and out children lost out on having a present husband and father physically because of his “career” demands which were annoying but justifiable and thus under the radar but upon discovery at the point of his having been involved with her compliance for 14 years at that point his desire to do any of the things that a mature relationship of marriage requires was eroded to the point of making little effort to reconcile even as he had never wanted any permanent relationship with the OW and neither did she other than money
He has been reduced to believing there is no reason nor way to have any other kind of relationship than the one he skillfully had manipulated requiring little significant authentic interaction with any of us!
The cost continues to be paid by all who did want and assume he was giving his best under the circumstances created by his work.
Long term cheating strips people of the kind of attributes God put into our design for a life full of satisfaction and strength of character grown out of dealing with differences and adversity of life shared for better or worse
No wonder many who cheat are not able to find satisfaction
Boredom out of lack of participating in all that life and marriage and parenting would bring
He missed the whole thing!
The OW lost a lot more than she will ever know and now has to live with the knowledge of of how little her life has contributed to anyone’s life…including the illegitimate children she traded for cash….at least until they are past the age of requiring child support
I pray for her and them …difficult admittedly
Also for any man she might lure into such additional agreement
No wonder adultery was regarded as a plague
It has infected a nation that has turned from God in impudence
Zaza,
Those marriages afflicted with long term affairs certainly do loose out on many things. Those little ‘adjustments’ and accommodations often become long term. Often intimacy is sacrificed in order to allow the affair to last. Given the nature of human relationships, how we are either getting closer or further away all the time, in order to maintain the ‘log term affair’, the cheater often gives up intimacy/closeness, without realizing that they have actually taken steps to make the distance in their marriage permanent. The betrayed spouse makes accommodations which they think are temporary, but end up being long-term. In some ways, the long term affair stretches the marriage to its limits. The couple find out how distant they can be and still be married, which is sad. All the potential love, hopes and support that once existed is now put on a starvation diet.
When the marriage is on starvation rations, it only follows that the children growing up in that environment miss out on what could have been. Whatever promise they had of a ‘better life’ is gone or minimal at best. They survive, but miss out on what could have been. Since the cheater has been in survival mode of doing whatever they can to juggle the relationship, they do not recognize what they lost. They may even be scared of the intimacy involved, since intimacy means they have to be vulnerable and involved.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and insights.
Jeff
My husband and I are in recovery after discovery of his 6 1/2 year relationship with a women he met online. He traveled for his job and she lived within his territory.
Our marriage had been troubled for some time and was complicated by his increasing dependence on alcohol. He was raised in a home with a strong emotionally abusive father who cheated on his mother their entire marriage and was blatant about it. There was also alcohol abuse by both parents.
I was clueless as I was overwhelmed with dealing with the effects of his drinking and did not see the signs that there was more in play. I found out about the affair 3 months after he had ended it. When it became obvious that he was not going back the OW decided to try to destroy our marriage with a series of middle of the night texts revealing all. This was 7 months ago.
I walked out and went across the country for two weeks. He did not know if I would ever return. He had decided he was going to take the secret to his grave but it had been taking a toll on him. He was angry, depressed and the drinking was escalating even more. When I left it snapped his into reality. He is in IC and had quit drinking. The transformation exceeds everything I thought possible.
Now the problem. How do you possibly heal from this level of betrayal. 6.5 years of memories, loss of parents, college graduations, anniversaries. My life was a lie. How do you forgive and go forward. I don’t have the same rage that I felt in the beginning. Now it is overwhelming loss and sadness. I don’t feel like I can leave and yet I can’t seem to commit to going forward.
Thank you for addressing long term affairs. There is not enough recognition of the unique challenge they present to the BS.
K,
Thank you for writing to me. From reading your post there are three questions or issues. 1) How do you heal from this level of betrayal 2) How do you forgive and go forward and 3) I don’t feel like I can leave, yet I can’t seem to commit to going forward.
Those are all painful situations to deal with. In some ways, it sounds like there is still some anger about being lied to along with what you missed out on. As you say, the rage is less, yet there is still some anger. You were kept from something. Finding out what that something is and getting closure would help. Since you can’t re-do the past 6 and a half years, you may want to focus on how to make the future better.
In bringing closure, I often tell people that there are several scars. Those inflicted by others and those you inflicted on yourself. Sorting that out often takes some work. (I address the work needed in greater detail in the Affair Recovery Worskhop).
In terms of “how” to forgive. I find that many people don’t know how. I’m presently working on some material dealing with forgiveness which will go into that. One item I can tell you is that 1) you need to be clear on that you are forgiving HIM, NOT condoning what he did. You can forgive people, yet not condone their actions. What he did was wrong, yet you need him in your life and need the wound to heal.
In some ways it sounds like you are mad at yourself as well as him. You’ll need to forgive each, then…let go of the hurt behind what your forgiving. When you keep picking it up and reviewing it, it’ll keep hurting you. It’s like picking up a dead jellyfish on the beach. It may be dead, but it can sure sting the fire out of you.
Once you get closure you can then move forward. (You can try moving backward, but I have not heard of that working). Forward is your only option.
Regards,
Jeff
My father died 3 months ago and 26 years ago he was caught by my mother in an affair with another woman. The affair had been going on for 10 years. she was very hurt and went through a terrible time for a little while after. my dad chose to stay with my mom and end the affair but he was mean to her for a little while. he never explained to her why he did what he did and he would get angry if she tried to talk about it so she ended up just letting it go. Now, after his death it has all come back to the surface and she is in a deep depression from the loss of her husband and the recurring thought of the 10 yr affair. She cannot seem to get the affair out of her mind and why he did what he did. She wants answers and now hes gone and she cant get any.It all seems so unfinished. Do you have any information that may be useful in this situation?
Caroline,
Thank you for writing. You’ve got a tough situation on your hands. I would start with separating what’s needed for closure from obtaining clear answers to the ‘why’ questions. If she persists in seeking answers to ‘why’ questions, one question only leads to another. The better choice is seeking closure. Seek what’s needed for emotional closure. I suspect she is caught up with seeking what’s wrong with herself.
In seeking closure in such a situation, you may want to have her go to his grave or look at his picture and ask some of the questions ‘out loud’. Steer her toward ‘how’ and ‘what’ questions rather than the why (I address the reason for this in the Affair Recovery Workshop).
Regards,
Jeff
I have a partner for 12 years.
We have never been married but has an 11-year old daughter.
He asked me for marriage before but since he didnt have a stable job, I refused and told him next time when he has enough money to feed us.
I have taken the responsibility of a breadwinner in our relationship.
I have tried and push him to work harder for us. My goal was to prove everybody that we could do well and that we could be successful.
For the past 12 years, I have worked so hard that I didnt have time for my partner and my daughter. I would say, my work really took my life.
He met the other woman at his work. He was 40 years old when he met her. She was 28 years old. She helped his how to cope with his job since he was not so good at computers and other programs, she was there to help him. from 2013-2016, we have been constantly fighting. I threw him out of our house many times thinking he would realize his shortcomings as a provider in our relationship. He had an operation and I wasnt there for him. When I visited him at the hospital once, the woman was there and my partner even introduced me as his wife. I thanked her and she immediately left the hospital when I arrived. In 2016, I checked my partner’s wallet and saw the picture of the same woman. I was so furious and got mad at him. He said, it was nothing and just a remembrance for helping him with his operation. He even cried. I forgave him. Come January 2018, I found out on social media about their relationship because the woman made an account for my partner. She posted their pictures together and a video of them exchanging i love you’s. How did I discover it, the woman followed my daughter’s instagram account with the account she made for my partner. I was devastated since I was clueless. I confronted him. I made him bring me to the house of the woman, asked him to call the woman in front of me and asked him to tell her that he chose us.
All the while, the woman already knew that my partner and I are still together because of the pictures she saw and liked on my daughter’s account.
My question, is it really possible for my partner to end an affair that took that long? How could I believe that they are not continuing the affair?
The woman is willing as she already knew about us but still decided to stick with him.
We are on the process of starting again but It’s just difficult to trust him.
Jok,
Thank you for sharing your story. You have been through some challenges without the safety net of a committed relationship. You have faced some difficult challenges along the way as well.
You asked, “Is it really possible for my partner to end an affair that took that long? How could I believe that they are not continuing the affair?”
It is possible for him to end the affair. The bigger question for me is whether he will commit to his relationship with you and keep the affair ended? Ending them is often easier than keeping them that way.
He hasn’t shown commitment to either you or being a provider. His history of not being committed is what concerns me.
In terms of believing they were not continuing the affair, when you want to believe what your partners tells you, there are times you want to believe it so badly that it flies in the face of logic, facts and reality. The power of belief is strong, even when its delusional.
I’m sure that it’s difficult trusting him. Commitment is one of the four ingredients required in rebuilding healthy trust. Without it, any trust you have will be of a limited nature.
Regards,
Jeff
I have just found out my husband of 23 years and been together for 32 years has been having an affair with the same person the whole entire time, he said he is not in love with her, Im so confused. Our sex life was great even though we had some hard times but because it was happening from the beginning I don’t understand why and why all our lifetime together.? He didn’t stop when we got married or the birth of our daughter or when we found out that she was raped as a child or 2 suicide attemps. Im so broken
Laura,
It’s devastating finding out your husband of 23 years has cheated on you, especially after all your family has been through. I can definitely understand how you would be confused in your situation. From what you said, the whole family is struggling in their relationships and have been for a while.
The confusion is natural in response to such a contradictory message he’s given you. Remember the situation is what is not making sense. The situation is crazy, not your thinking.
You may consider joining the membership site at http://www.RestoredLifestyle.com . There you’ll find others struggling in coming to grips with their situation as well. You’ll also have access to my videos addressing important parts of affair recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
This is all BS! My wife and zip have been married for 49 horrible years. For nearly 30 of those years my wife had an affair with the same man she once worked for. She followed him around wherever he moved and mind you he was married to a woman he had a affair with that broke up his original family and separated him from his three kids. Innall of those year I never cheated on my wife even onve. In fact Inhave never had sex with anyone but her. Make me pretty stupid zi guess. She treats me like hell and she is a sorry bitch. How do you think I feel? I know you are thinking why did I stay. One reason…money. Didn’t have enough to
Live separately. Mostly because she gave I’ve $500K to our son and daughter in law so they could live the high live and more over impress his father in law who Had lots of Maria money, ripped off his company, hired people to steal clothing, etc. for them. Real nice guy. Not the whole family cowed down to him. Me, I just chopped liver. No respect and none deserved I suppose even after working for the same company for 45 years. Life sucks!
Webb,
Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have been in a bad place for a long time. Your situation is one filled with hurts and losses. I can understand your bitterness and bitter feelings given what you’ve experienced. What are you doing to remove yourself from that bitterness?
Best Regards,
Jeff
I found out that my husband, with whom I’ve been with for 13 years, had been having and affair with a colleague for 4 years when I was 6 months pregnant. In those 4 years, he had proposed to me, married me and we conceived our child. I believed and felt that we had a wonderful relationship. It would have been just over a year into the affair when I received a message from the OWs ex-boyfriend stating that the OW and my spouse had been sleeping together and to watch my back. I confronted my spouse and he denied it. I believed him but still had an uneasiness about this woman. Since I found out what exactly had been happening, I uncovered that he had been taking her to hotels for hook ups, buying her gifts and going on dates with her. We have since gone to counseling and share a deep love for our new child but I cant seem to move forward from the lies, disrespect and deceit. He has ended things with the OW and I have seen her pleas for a reconciliation but I have had to find out about her contacting him, and a visit he made to her after the birth of our child to “tell her to stop” through snooping. He has since made his email and social media accounts impossible to get into which I feel uneasy about so I am unable to monitor them for my own comfort. Do you believe its possible for us to get through this? I feel weary since he lied for so long and doesn’t seem to admit to things unless I pry with proof that I have uncovered.