A reader asked “Why is it easy for men to leave relationships?”
This question opens up many areas. Some of the underlying issues in your question include bonding, gender differences in bonding, commitment, and the nature of marriage.
First, you have to consider whether or not there are gender differences when it comes to marriage. This deals with the issue of differences in how men and women approach relationships. Although many moderns view gender as a social construct, there is MUCH more to this issue.There are significant gender differences when it comes to marriage.
Gender is more than a social construct. There are thinking differences, physical differences, chemical differences and bonding differences. If you are amoung those that view gender as a mere social construct, this question is way beyond your comprehension. There is much more to this than socialization and social constructs.
Men and women bond differently There are differences in how they bond, the strength of those bonds and how the bonds work. Just consider who reads and purchases a majority of the relationship books. Men do not view their bonding and relationships the same way. They do not talk about them the same way. Since they do not view them the same way, they do not solve problems in them the same way either.
With the question, ‘Why is it so easy for men to leave relationships?’, I also have to ask you whether or not they ever committed to the relationship. If they did not whole heartedly commit to a relationship, it will be easier for them to leave it. Did they commit to your marriage? If they never gave a complete commitment, then leaving is easy. If they never unpacked all their things, they have not committed. If they never opened up and made themselves vulnerable, they are not committed. You have to find out if they view you as a room mate or a soul mate.
You also have to consider what it means to them to be a man. If their view of manhood is one where being a man is somehow equated to how many women they can bed in their lifetime, or how much money they make or how many toys they have, you are dealing with a man whose identity is tied in with quantity. When it comes to bonding and marriage, you will want a man who is more interested in quality than quantity.
The quality versus quantity is part of their values and their own image of what it means to be a man. It has a great deal to do with how they were raised. Some men are raised in an environment where it is they are trained that it is easier to move on than it is to put down roots and commit.
The question assumes that it is easy for a man to leave a relationship. You have to consider what that means. When you use the term ‘easy’ does that mean that they don’t have the same reaction as you? does it mean that they do not show the same emotional investment as you do? When their reaction to leaving is different, it does not necessarily mean it is easier. It means it is different.
You also have to consider what ‘marriage’ means to the man. If they view it as a prison, they will want to escape. If they view it as contract, they will see it more akin to a business deal that can be re-negotiated, voided or left with minor consequences. If they view marriage as a covenant commitment, then it is a lifetime arrangement. The differences in how marriage is view is not limited to men. Women also have some variation in how they view marriage. It could be that you and your husband had different views of what marriage means to each other.
Many couple often get excited about getting married before they address what that means to each of them. When you enter this special relationship without being on the ‘same page’ or in agreement as to what you are committing to, it sets the stage for potential problems. They may not have thought that they were entering the same kind of relationship that you assumed. This is why it is so important to discuss this matter and be in one accord even before getting married.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
3 Responses
I felt you dealt with this attitude issue very well.
For me I had to come to the conclusion that there was a lot of understanding missing in the area of what IDENTITY in various aspects of life and especially relationships had in impact of how life is lived within various jurisdictions.
I think that the gender neutral effort has had a long term working upon the things people understand about identity. Focus has been diverted to a number of diverse issues….There are many facets such as “race” which actually is not what people think …we are ALL members of ONE race…the HUMAN race…but there are many various CULTURES.
As you rightly pointed out there is a deep impact of gender as defined by DNA. Today’s society has moved so far to worshiping opinion and those opinions colored by science as guru that much if not most of our troubles in present day can be traced back to not understanding that man is CREATED and that we have a CREATOR who has DESIGNED man distinctly according to the Creators desire to have man being IN HIS IMAGE.
Man as intended to be in the image of GOD …from the inside out needs to realize that his heart is deformed from the original intent. This ‘deformity’ which was the result of the FALL has caused man to lose the identity awareness …the relationship with his Creator ..His heavenly FATHER.
The Father has blessed the MAN …gender wise with many privileges but as most people have heard ..with privilege comes responsibility and it increases as a child grows into an adult….Society recognizes that there are changes in the responsibilities as a person ages and with it more freedom and ability to make choices.
Unfortunately as people grow to adulthood….they do not necessarily mature …the character left uncharted by the wisdom found in the scriptures with respect and desire to relate to GOD who made us will result in following flesh…’flesh’ is that urge which says ‘ me first’ …it is what we see in toddlers who gain a bit of ability but still no one is handing over the keys to the car!
Appropriate skill and ability also needs some desire to keep boundaries for everyone’s benefit. Children need to be ‘trained up’ to regard the goodness of caring about others …to recognize and grow beyond the idea that the universe does not revolve around them.
Becoming a citizen demands that people maintain some forms of self control over impulses…but as those aspects of a reasonable and civilized society and
order are resisted and uncorrected more and more people grow to serve self at any cost.
God’s word brings wisdom when heeded.
Living for self , especially when a person has been educated to think it is proper and a ‘right’ has a way of bringing destruction eventually not just to those they exploit but sooner or later the self they so long to protect and serve.
Some do indeed serve the enemy of all that is good and right….as identified in the Bible but …it seems that fallen man …distorted by sin in his very heart…is capable to bring about much of what the enemy of our soul desires without much help at all
Looking at the record of the attitude of people at the time of the effort to build the tower of Babel …it is evident that man left to himself was capable of anything his heart imagined…unabated …man has been endowed with an awesome and massive capability …for good ..or evil
But in the condition which befell Adam and Eve upon their intentional rebellion and disregard for the loving protective admonition of their FATHER….they became more responsive to acting upon urges and appetites …and the enemy of the God of Creation …takes it as his ‘due’ …the serpent deceives…and the dragon persecutes …for a time.
In short …[ah at last she gets to the point] a person who does not enter into a change of identity from natural , spiritually dead …unsaved …to becoming a son of God through the new birth by trusting fully in Jesus Christ for salvation….is unlikely to have any real understanding of what it means to have the CHANGE of IDENTITY from single person to married person.
It seems that with the letting loose of boundaries and respect for morals ….and the rejection of scriptural , Biblical Christianity …all things are now more and more regarded as being defined by FLESH …fallen flesh which allows for no commitment when self is denied.
The criteria of life eternal …was to die to self …
Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
That is a change in IDENTITY which declares we pass FROM death …what some think of as ‘this life’ ….unto LIFE …and that eternal
Without a change in identity from child to adult , from natural man to son of God….a new birth…the identity will pretty much be reflected in a ‘what’s in it for me ‘ kind of behavior.
With loving expectation and trust I believed my husband was on the same page in this …not that we all enter marriage with the same level of maturity in all areas of relationship skills…but that is one of the things marriage and continuing effort to live in and within a life long COMMITMENT.
One may say vows…and those vows WILL be called upon to be fullfilled ..accounting will be given whether anyone wants that to be true or not.
Marriage a was created to be the best vehicle for the man created by God for His glory …and the good of man.
Despite the program mankind has wanted in order to off load responsiblities that GOD ORDAINED MAN to walk in …those things are NOT considered by the CREATOR ‘transferable’ …or as our modern times likes to say …designated authority.
God did not grant man an ‘out’ by way of saying you can ‘hire’ someone to do all that I have commanded a man to do in the jurisdiction of marriage.
Man still had his responsibilities which were intended to mature him …satisfy him….equip him …and content him …
Not all of life was about privilege…and what good is privilege is one is not equipped and prepared to recognize the greatest opportunity to tap into the blessings of being EQUIPPED by GOD to carry the jurisdiction out with increasing ability and ability to appreciate all that it may hold?
The experience of what a WHOLE relationship with our Creator …and then being raised in and by a man who has that …is rare indeed…and many enter adulthood with NO IDEA of what it means …or even how to navigate life on earth …as a man.
Women have been led away from what the Creator intended for them to experience….as fathers did not lead nor be deeply committed to their wife’s…but continue to perpetuate their own adolescence…[ a period of irresponsibility and expectations of sinful indulgence without consequences which was INVENTED during the 20th century as I understand it ]
This is not about man bashing …but the Creator had a design for each gender…each one’s jurisdictions …each person having differing and unique abilities and strong suits.
Being a man or a woman has plenty of awesome aspects to go around….plenty of respectable ingenuity to develop in vast numbers of ways that do not conflict with the other…
The devil who has temporary access to lure people who have little defense in terms of knowledge of what God’s Word ACTUALLY has to say …are ‘unarmed’ and assume as did Eve that the God of the Bible has directed human beings to frustrate their desires…but the laws set for our good are protective.
So we see the outcome of the confusion ..as the Bible tells us God is NOT the author of confusion but of peace …for where confusion is , is strife and every evil work…
So the decline of human beings understanding and appreciation of married life which has been under attack…for a marriage unity and faithful commitment is the very image of the love of GOD ….and it is to be an earthly image of the relationship of Jesus Christ and His Bride , the true church which lives day by day growing in the knowledge of His Word…which is His will …and by the Holy Spirit enlightening those who are meek enough to investigate and ask Jesus Christ to reveal what He will as we read the scriptures …hungering and thirsting after HIS righteousness.
Sadly many men have not been taught …or had a relationship with a godly father ..or man in their lives. They have grown to be ‘boys ‘ in a man’s body
Women and children want to follow and live under the protection of the man who has made a VOW ….which is a word that represents more than a promise or some kind of contract…this change in vocabulary has been a deliberate work of the deceiver …to turn people away from responsibilities to uphold their WORD …
Break down of integrity and attitude of one’s WORD has now effected people in how they view the WORD of GOD .
If people do not expect to keep their word…or they have learned that they can lie without consequences….then they learn to suspect any words …as we have seen many who do not love GOD who have made it their business to attack the faith by way of trying to tear the Word of GOD to pieces.
The rise of textual criticism or ‘higher criticism’ has been useful to destroy the faith of those who do not ‘continue in my Word and you will be MY disciples indeed” ….staying in study daily as Jesus said for those who say they love Him to do is essential to allow God’s Word to ‘speak’ and ‘teach ‘ the individual so that their life is thus ‘transformed’ by the renewing of the mind.
Failing to obey the command to study the Word daily …we become weak and unlearned…and prime for deception. We see the bad fruit of this kind of neglect…
In love God has told us to ‘be not conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of the mind’
A person does not have to be perfect to have a great marriage…but he or she must want to grow in knowledge …of each other …but the Bible offers a man wisdom of HOW to maintain his love for his wife…and protect his own love for her…which will increase his appreciation of the gift that she is to him …and her being able to submit to the man she married because she loved him ..will be more easily enabled when she has her own relationship with the God who wants to enable the couple to be the best example and representative of HIS WORK IN THEM …
But without submitting to this process…trouble is pretty much the future …
Life without a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ eventually will decline in all aspects….entropy
Life growing up with boundaries…guidelines of wisdom …godly parents who love their children enough to enjoy BEING with them and learning how to train them with doctrine…reproof and correction …which is just how God has intended to do in those willing to submit to that …THAT brings forth good fruit in the parents AND the children …no matter what is going on around them .
I am thankful to the Lord for teaching me day by day ..what happened to bring about the situation we see all around us . The devil wants God’s ‘woman’ …he began in the garden with luring and deceiving Eve….and Adam stood by …did not intervene…Wasn’t Adam given the jurisdiction and responsibility to “keep’ aka GUARD the garden…and take dominion over ALL at that time….but he stood by …and from that point on …we have the record of the resulting disaster ….death of the flesh….”it is appointed unto man once to die and then the judgement”
God has given us the means to escape the penalty due sin …sin which was passed upon all through the flesh…And God came in the flesh to pay the penalty no natural fallen man is able to ..
Jesus Christ …conquered the flesh …He never obeyed flesh…He always did the will of His Father…
Now we have been given the power to stay faithful ..through HIS Spirit which will indwell all who come to Him and confess Him as Lord ..believing in their heart that GOD has raised Him from the dead…
In Adam all died….in Jesus Christ all who come to Him believing His Word …the testimony …obtain life eternal …the new birth…born of the incorruptible seed which is the WORD of GOD.
So …without loving GOD enough to submit and care about what God tells us is good and right…WHAT keeps anyone faithful in the face of temptation.
The intentions have to be followed up with actions that call for becoming vigilant to avoid all kinds of things that may present temptations..
The love for someone and care for them …has been set aside and the lie that actions do not effect others…is a lie perpetuated , it is a social gospel that denies the order that would protect others from our fallen nature…and lack of disciple of one’s own carnal desires.
The flesh will not be perfected but was have been given the Word to ‘rein’ the mind ..and in turn to reign in the desires of the flesh…walking by the Word / the spirit in obedience ..recognizing the loving power to make those kinds of choices to protect …the spouse, the children and even other people who are weak or ignorant of the danger of infidelity …thoughts …denied…and life’s habits developed to turn from temptation and place God ‘s Word above all to keep one’s word…goes a long way to make inner changes that do what is not unlike raising and training a child,
We enter into our relationship with Jesus Christ as believers …but spend the lifetime following that learning to turn from sin and live in His way …He is after all THE way THE truth and THE life …what better personal trainer to help us live in the way that will bless all and injure none!
Seems to me it is win win ….
Unfaithful people have a lot to learn …but that is another sinful problem
God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.
So we are told to ‘humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and HE will life you UP!”
So there is a great need for people to hear ..for faith comes by hearing and hearing by the WORD of GOD.
I know this is long…sorry …but though sin may appear ‘easy ‘ to people …it is very costly in ways they have no idea ….and when sin is finished it brings forth death.
Turn from sin and seek Jesus Christ and live….He IS !!
Zaza,
Thank you for the encouraging words. I am not sure where to begin in terms of a response. Wow! You covered a lot of ground with some solid truth. Since my focus is limited to helping couples survive affairs, I will have to limit myself to that scope, although I suspect we could spend hours discussing many topics such as higher criticism, changes in family structure over time, etc. Someone along the way (or many someones) have taught you some valuable material.
What ‘family responsibility’ is certainly has changed over the decades. The role and identity or men and women has been part of those changes. When you start changing the definition of what it means to be a man or woman, you change what is a family. As the definition has changed, both men and women have lost a great deal. In the effort to manufacture ‘equality’ they have destroyed all distinctives. In destroying what makes men and women distinct, you lose a major part of identity. When men and women each lose part of their identity, their marriage loses its potential for intimacy and special status.
With those loses, men and women are left feeling incomplete and unfulfilled. They will remain that way until they return to the design originally given to us. The more man departs from that design, the more his relationships will suffer. This includes his relationship with his wife and his relationship with himself. There will be a sense of alienation and incompleteness.
My suspicion is that many affairs are attempts by cheaters to find a way of dealing with that alienation and incompleteness. When man does not know how to bond/connect with his wife, the answer is not filling his life with more women. He may think it is, but that answer is not satisfying. More women will lead to more alienation. The answer lies in returning to his spouse and working through those issues, removing the roadblocks to closeness and intimacy. He needs connection on a spiritual, emotional and physical level.
Common sense should teach a man that seeking more connections is not going to help him improve the quality of his faulty connection abilities. Finding a multitude of connections to fit a faulty connecting cable into is not going to improve things. You need to fix the cable and the connection first.
Boy you said it ….and very succinctly I might add.
My husbands reply to my question as to why he did not just go off and be with the women that he felt he could not live without …on the ‘fringe ‘ of the family that he did not really want nor care about the dangers and losses involved by continuing with her….not only his family but his precious career and professional image.
His answer was ‘She was not the whole package…and I never would have married her…she knew this and agreed to the arrangement’
Yes…of course….none of us were the ‘whole package’ and I think your assessment was spot on.
People who are not made whole through character building , training as God intended for children to be raised up …by parents…will spend a lifetime without the inner completeness the new birth brings.
I know how difficult this can be as before I came to know Jesus Christ the search was on …and during the 60’s many people raised in the context of moralism which passed for most religious instruction left them prime and vulnerable for all kinds of ‘spiritual’ offerings from the world , the flesh and the devil …just as we come to know from the Bible …
Until we have that wake up and awareness of the source of the ‘itch’ many of those things which appear to be good …take a toll .
For those who are meek enough to realize that they are going to have to take some effort and responsiblity to seek what God has provided in His Son and found out from an honest examination of His Word …there will be a constant churning within ..and if not …perhaps an appetite spoiled by some false religious ideology with perhaps a thin veneer of truth or even with the name of Jesus Christ attached to it to sustain some kind of authenticity….and authority.
BAH! it is just as the Lord tells us …if and when we come down from our ivory tower to allow HIS Word to speak to us ..
This sense of ‘need’ is real and even important to not allow ourselves to be satiated with what ‘feels good ‘ but scripture says ..”There is a way that seemeth right to man but ends in death’ ….oh yeah!
ANY way but the way that GOD has provided is JUST the ticket that satan will use in those who are seeking a way that is not TOO radical.
That is amusing in a sad way …the age of those who wanted to be counter culture …has produced some of the most hard core ‘cookie cutter radicals’ who are less tolerant of any dissent than any of those of prior ages! or at least many of those …every age has evidence of man’s futile attempt to be god and take what does not belong to him in effort to fill the void.
Its interesting my daughters observation upon learning of her father’s life long deceit….”Even a child knows that it is wrong to take what does not belong to him….and they also know that when someone takes something that is rightfully theirs it hurts.”
So no cheater can justify their actions …lying , cheating and stealing is felt by people of every age and thus it is known to be ‘wrong’ .
Toddler mentality is not tolerated but often ignored by a parent whose own ‘needs’ outweigh the responsibilities of parenthood….sad cycle of neglect leading oftentimes to another generation feeling the lack and loss and due entitlement.
The question I keep asking myself as I examine my husband’s character leads back not to parental lack of love …love as it is defined by a society which believes correction is too harsh…not realizing the way GOD instructs us….DOCTRINE first is given ..and instruction HOW to come to Him for help to obey ..and then also teaching mankind how to not only do what is right by that setting forth of what is expected and needed…but also what will occur without fail IF there is a disregard for that information.
Children need doctrine …what is expected of them …and also information what will happen ..consistently if they disobey. That is how God worked with Adam ..and that is why Adam was held accountable…and one reason that it had to be a MAN who is our Savior….contrary to some feminists ignorance of the way things were set up for women’s own best situation!
Doctrinal instruction based upon the TRUTH ..not feelings…or convenience is called for in order to develop in a child the kind of conscience that is not going to seek to hide …whatever disobedience …as just one example.
Sneaky is not approved nor attractive…thinking of the character on Leave it to Beaver….Eddie Haskell was easily identified by people everywhere as the distasteful and devious ‘boot licker’ …to put it politely.
It is astonishing the development we see in the decline of personal integrity of the way this kind of sneaky deceiver is now glamorized rather than being despised he has become some kind of icon of ‘anti hero..’
This too is evidence of prophetic fulfillment fast on the rise…
It is distressing that so many have decided that if they cannot rise up and achieve something really good and constructive that notoriety is now the ‘option’ to being a good citizen and a trustworthy person!
My husband was not satisfied to be what some would have called him a model citizen,…talented , personable , well educated ..and yet …even an over achiever must find a way to define himself in some notable way when being good and moral is no longer admired among those who have been his heros.
One such ‘hero ‘ was Babe Ruth….how many kids grew up admiring this man whose own life demonstrated much to be desired in terms of morality.
When ungodly heroes are admired and held up as icons of glamour …and young boys are no longer mentored and trained up by godly fathers…there is hell to pay …and it will either be paid by the Lord Jesus Christ on behalf of those who are willing to hear and believe it …or they themselves will pay the toll …taste the cup of wrath they continue to fill up ..sin upon sin.
May they come to know the meaning of life and purpose of it through whatever it takes to bring them to submit to the Word of Life which will are able to make them whole.