A reader queried “Affairs are Selfish” . I have been amazed at how many of you have wondered about affairs and selfishness. There is definitely a connection between affairs and selfishness. The two definitely go hand in hand.
The next question is that of which came first, the selfishness or the affair? Since cheaters, unless they are seduced or drugged into the affair, have a self-oriented focus that directs their thinking to start the affair, my answer is ‘the selfishness’.
I viewed the seduction and drug situations as different, since drugs change all the normal brain functioning. When a person is seduced into an affair, it is very different than if they went looking for it. I would put the victims of early childhood abuse in that category as well. The intense experience of abuse changes the way that their brains and thinking are structured.
Assuming you are not dealing with drugs or seduction, selfish thinking leads to the affair.
Once the affair happens, the brain of the cheater is changed. You are not just imagining that they are different. They are different. They start thinking differently. They may tell you “I am still the same person”. They may look the same, but their thinking has changed, the pathways in their brain have changed.
Since the nature of affairs is focused on self-gratification, the affair intensifies this thinking. It is as if they amp up the selfishness that had been inside of them. It is like selfishness on steroids.
My present view is that “Selfishness –> affair –> More Selfishness”.
When the cheater is in the ‘selfish’ mode, there is a distortion in their thinking. This distortion changes how they take anything said to them. At first, they may be able to control or restrain this thinking. As the affair continues, their ability to hide this change in their thinking decreases. They start developing a hyper guardedness that can have paranoid qualities at times.
Over time, they will have less and less ability to empathize with others, (unless it involves a seduction). They may even come across as ‘insensitive’. This is part of the selfishness. They increasingly become the center of their own universe. Part of their strong reactions to being confronted is that you are literally changing their world. When you confront them, they are having to give up their position as the ‘center of the universe’.
For someone who has been selfish for a long time, this is very threatening. They may have their identity so wrapped up in selfishness that being confronted about the affair represents a total loss of identity. It is not so much that their identity is wrapped up in the affair, it is that giving up the center of the world position in their universe is life shattering for them. You are forcing them to think about others instead of themselves. That is totally alien to them.
They can overcome their selfishness. The affair is not the end of your marriage. In overcoming the affair, you will have to help them in making room in their ‘selfish’ universe for you and others.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
4 Responses
One of the things I enjoy about your threads that you post is how they generate my brain in considering something other than the usual ways that betrayed spouses deal with infidelity.
When I was reading this one I felt tired….it may be because I am a ‘short’ sleeper these days….or the working in areas of our life that used to belong to my spouse who is still seeming to enjoy his ‘separate life and space’ while what is left of our family takes up the slack around here
But the thing is that though I have tried to understand HIS various needs over the length of our 30 plus marriage along with trying to engage in many of the ways that have worked well in getting along with other relationships …both close and within the fellowship of other believers and unbelievers as well…..living with a person who is thinking of themselves as unselfish but still is living life without regard for his god ordained jurisdiction in mind is exhausting.
My husband would not ever have thought of himself as ‘selfish’ ….because he was always looking for ways to help others.
I think this was one of the ahah moments when I revisited how GOD had DESIGNED man and woman to live within the marriage covenant and keep BOUNDARIES …for the sake of cleaving to ONE ANOTHER.
This kind of intimacy does not just happen and is darn near impossible with a spouse who either does not ‘leave’ all others in priority ….as Genesis tells us …starting with the past first priority after the relationship with GOD …his or her parents….but the distinct directive was to put the WIFE first …
At first this may seem “unfair” and weighty upon the husband ..the man
But GOD who DESIGNED man knows how man flourishes and how woman will also be ABLE to flourish as the MAN takes upon himself the full responsibilities for his part in the marriage as ‘head” ….which is neither ‘king of the castle a la Ralph Cramden ‘ nor “Casper Milktoast” ….too much of any direction is not what it appears God was getting at.
Security for the woman depends a lot on experiencing a husband who makes the effort to take her seriously when she has an issue. In recent generations the joke about the nagging wife is not funny to the woman who is dismissed by her husband as a ‘nag’ when she makes the effort to be his partner in life …all of life.
My husband rejected inviting me into his life …as time went on we seemed to not have any plans that did not include other people..even in our first year of marriage….
After our first child was born he seemed less and less interested in making time to be with me unless he had no other offers!
At times he even spoke harshly as if my wanting to be a companion in his activities was audacious!….Imagine my wanting to be part of his world!
He was quick to become part of groups which at first seemed like the kind of things my dad would do ‘for building clientel’ ….or being somehow generous to some group who ‘needed’ him.
This I have learned is the effect of the movement of ‘social justice’ and ‘social gospel’ …which had no identifying name back when it began to erode our lives that I am aware of .
My husband , lacking any interest in learning about boundaries for his marriage and his love for me ….could very well have been shocked to learn that his activities that spent him upon other people’s desires for his time and himself …were what soon led to his dissatisfaction with what most would at least be willing to acknowledge is a ‘normal married life’
My affection and appreciation for him and his provision for us ….and his person were accepted but not enough . It seems he could not deny himself the affection and admiration of others…men in terms of his rise in business …and women in terms of his charm.
He would not even ‘own’ that he was charming …but then I can’t help but wonder how he explained the popularity among his ‘public’ …..and why that should matter to him more than the care for me …and even our children!
Our losses were not a serious concern for him.
He often would leave our home early in the morning and arrive late at night ..and be gone on weekends, before any infidelity occurred in terms of romance.
His lust for feeling important overrode any desire to build a relationship with me …and eventually our children.
His ego seemed to require that he felt a broad …albeit ..shallow relationship with everyone …and EVERYONE just ‘loved’ my husband.
I think this kind of ‘selfish/philanthropic’ aggrandizement must feed some underlying need to be ‘famous’ even in a very small pond.
In addition to that when it is ‘rewarded’ in some way by those who ‘above’ the lure is just too good to pass up I guess.
After all what does a wife , doing all that is asked for his wonderful career , have to offer …after it is assumed that she is there FOR HIS life.
And this is how it seems to have gone.
I was brought out of storage whenever the venue required him to have a ‘wife’ at his side…whenever he was at least too concerned about his image before his family, to ‘out’ his adulteress …and his true character ….
The funny thing is [not funny ha ha ] but he actually thought it was a secret! …even though at least ONE of his fellows in his industry knew…and it was no secret to him …having met with both and asked my husband why he was doing it….’because she makes me happy’ was his reply !
So now I know that the looks this man would have …when I would catch him looking at ME at a dinner party …was probably wondering if I KNEW! This as I continued to testify about what Jesus Christ was doing in my life!
He either thought I was a dunce or that somehow this sin was ‘ok’ with me !
I will never know…
Now that man has distanced himself from my husband and he never learned the length and depth of the fact that my husband went on to father children by that woman!
The boldness of the two of them is appalling …but scripture does reveal that the darkened mind and hardened heart is capable of astonishing things….evil …and calling themselves ‘good’ !
I spent a lot of time and effort raising and teaching our children …much of the time completely alone….in fact he bragged at one of our children’s graduation from a prestigious college that I should get all the credit!
What he thought of most likely was that it was a complement….but in truth it was a confession which SHOULD have shamed him….for it was true…he did nothing to help with that process …he was THERE once in a while but his true love was his ‘public’
Not that he was a pubic figure …God knows those families have great challenges to make sure DAD is a true father to his children…probably why so many fail at this ….
But I never knew I would be expected to ‘raise’ my husband …but even a child cannot be trained up unless he is submitted to his parent who is told by God to raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord…..
A full grown man who is immature and self centered…even one who seems ‘generous’ to the outside world …has to take SOMETHING from those who are his first primary jurisdiction and responsibility in order to be so ‘available’ to others.
People outside the marriage do not think that way …one reason that GOD told the MAN to guard his ‘garden ‘ ….
Unless a man sets the boundaries with keeping his love for his wife growing …and his relationship with his children more than just a three minute hug before bed…..he will be flattered and lured away until there is nothing left that draws him back to care about those who are HIS responsibility to love and nurture.
Every one of our resources meant for our marriage have been stolen away ….because he GAVE it away …and only decided how much time and energy he would ‘give’ to those who he was given to make his focus and priority for his life.
How many marriages suffer because a person who is generous and ‘interesting’ thinks their input in others is more important that the woman that they promised GOD they would love no matter what til death!
I used to wonder why people who lost spouses did not want a new one…I think raising one family is often enough …especially when one person takes all from everyone…they suck the life out of those who wait for them to grow up!
And I am not talking about the children!
No wonder the adult diaper industry is growing!
…[no slight intended for those who are having a physical disability …we all possibly will arrive there at some point….sadly]
Just so tried of the one sided ways that people like this take and take and take …even as they give and give and give….it is actually ..they take what belongs to those who are trusting in them to be as good to them as they are working so hard to “give” to those outside the family!
I believe it falls into the category of ‘stealing’ …..
All sin kills
“The thief comes not but to steal , kill and destroy …I am come that you might have life and have it more than abundant” Jesus Christ
Luk 12:15 And he said unto them, Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
1Ti 6:5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.
1Ti 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.
Mat 16:26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?
These days I seem to notice more and more hollow eyed older men out walking a dog….same as my husband …wives replaced by a dog…who makes few demands upon a man to serve it’s needs.
So where will they go when they become feeble and unable to care for themselves and all the freebee friends depart?
Pro 14:20 The poor is hated even of his own neighbour: but the rich hath many friends.
Pro 13:7 There is that maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing: there is that maketh himself poor, yet hath great riches.
Pro 28:22 He that hasteth to be rich hath an evil eye, and considereth not that poverty shall come upon him.
Its amazing …Proverbs IS what the life of my husband has demonstrated…He read this …but it would appear that he did not think it applied to him.
The deceit that occurs when a person will not allow God’s Word to show them the condition of their life…their hearts…is far greater than people who don’t care about GOD think.
That’s always thought to be ‘That’s not me….I am generous, kind and good’
But the corrections of the Word are HEALTHY for us to heed.
Jesus pointed out the beneficial use of the mirror of the Word.
Heb 3:12 Take heed, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief, in departing from the living God.
13 But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.
14 For we are made partakers of Christ, if we hold the beginning of our confidence stedfast unto the end;
The Word does not lie…..and God never changes….
1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things
Zaza,
It is quite a compliment that the threads help you look at things in new ways. Many selfish people do not see themselves as selfish. Many of the others operate on the assumption that everyone thinks like they do, along with struggling to understand how anyone could think differently.
Although men were designed to work and find much of their identity via their job, it sounds like his priorities were misplaced and he used his job to fulfill more than it was ever designed to do. The tragic thing is that there are many built in rewards for business success. The business world often rewards those who sacrifice all in the name of achievement. In previous generations, sacrifices were made to Moloch. These days, the business world often has a modern version of the old Moloch. Moloch worship in older days was about prosperity and business success. It sounds like not much has changed.
You description of the changes you saw saddened me. It conveys a man who not only sells off his soul piece by piece, it is also about losing his ability to love. It is as if each episode, his heart becomes more hardened. The loving heart is replaced by a cold purely functional heart that is aesthetically correct, yet cold to the touch.
I liked your comment about the adult diapers. It is so true these days.
You referred to social justice and the social gospel as problems. I concur. These days, the idea of social justice has totally displaced any kind of real justice (e.g. Biblical justice). In my mind, the two are combined under one roof in the form of liberation theology, which is ruining marriages and communities. With the substitution of social justice, for the real thing, people no longer have any clear idea of right and wrong. There is no longer any standard. Every measure of justice has become a matter of perspective. Cheaters can now justify their actions using social justice verbiage. If they feel they have been deprived or find any way of making themselves a ‘victim’ they use their victimhood to justify and rationalize the affair.
The scary thing is that social justice thinking often displaces other thinking, including Biblical justice. Social justice spreads and consumes everything it touches. It would be one thing if the families and communities that subscribed to it were made better off, or were happier, but the reality is that they are neither, nor are they more secure, more stable or anything else. Those who subscribe to this mindset end up being bitter in many ways. They constantly talk about things being fair. When fairness is used rather than justice, just about anything can be rationalized.
A return to the foundations of marriage and relationships would do everyone good. Sadly, many couples who have faced affairs may have cleaned up what happened, but continue struggling with the mental and emotional damage from the thinking that led to the affair in the first place.
Thank you again for your valuable contributions.
Jeff
on a rare occasion my husband WILL speak to me ….if he must.
This kind of treatment is a mystery to me since I have always walk in referral to how the Lord has told us how to behave …even toward those who have betrayed us …even toward our enemies.
I asked him why he utterly has decided to not take us to the airport…the cost of the transportation he prefers to pay for is considerable….but he stammered about how he has NO inclination to take us …even though my daughters have requested that he change his mind.
So I asked if it was because the OW was still influencing his behavior …he then said something that I have heard him say before ….but this time ..it was even a stronger emphasis…He hates her and “doesn’t even know that name anymore….never wants it mentioned’
There may be many reasons why this was his response.
I have heard that hatred for someone in the emotional sense is the strong indication of strength of feelings…somehow implying that there was real love there …
I know the Bible defines love differently …”Love does not ill to his neighbor’ and infidelity is the opposite of loving regard for anyone on that basis.
If I were to judge his behavior towards me …avoidance to the extreme….it could be understood as guilt I suppose…but I think there is more there .
I think it a lack of owning his own part in the whole flow of his life.
Somehow it’s HER ‘fault” that he got into that relationship…It’s somehow MY ‘fault’ that he pursued marriage with me.
Some times there is the idea that a person was ‘too young’
But we know that there are many who marry in their youth and stay faithful ..at least among those who have a respect for GOD and themselves that causes them to make the effort to learn how to make a decision and then make it good …day after day.
There may be a lot of reasons for why my husband got himself involved with this woman …and she has plenty of blame to own herself …but to say he hates HER for HIS DECISION …and to blame me somehow for his own lack of integrity is another sad indication that he has YET to own his own decisions!
I know that we see Adam blaming Eve and God for his own decision.
I have often pondered why Eve was not interrupted by Adam as he stood nearby …close enough to enjoy the fruit of her disobedience…close enough to have observed her getting into a conversation with the serpent and to hear most likely her misquoting God ….
I have considered the command of GOD to Adam to ‘keep’ or ‘guard ‘ the garden and then observed that …huh…what was that serpent doing …and why was Adam OK with Eve interacting with him?
What may have been the reason Eve did not approach Adam …whose head was Christ…and refer to him….was she just so independent…? Prior to the Fall?
God accepted the declaration from Eve that she was ‘deceived’….but He held Adam accountable and responsible for his lack ….his disobedience…and denied the excuse of the blame casting ….
Adam did not ‘keep ‘ the garden….and Adam did not guard the woman…whom he was given to protect …in every way ..including to protect her from his own lackadaisical attitude regarding his response to God’s first command regarding the jurisdiction given to him to ‘keep’
I know that when a woman observes that her husband doesn’t seem to care about her heart….by way of neglect or disinterest in how his own attitude and behavior effects her …that a woman who is created with a responsive and emotional sensitivity will not just be hurt …but something about this relationship GOD designed with these things in mind regarding man …and how woman is wired…has to do with His command to man to learn to demonstrate preference and care for his wife..
The diminishing of this through a man’s carnal nature…and through cultural denigration of the way the DESIGN of gender …going far beyond the physical differences …has allowed men to disregard how much their behavior is responsible for the way a wife will become in many ways either is ‘dream girl’ or his ‘reason ‘ for infidelity.
A man today may marry but feel the entitlement to be independent…To keep his own life ‘separate ‘ while expecting the benefits that GOD has prepared for a husband with all of the instructions as to HOW to ‘open the gift’ of the wife of his choosing.
With all of the dating and ‘freedom ‘ to sin abounding …there seems little interest in learning how to live with the wife ..because there are known “Options’ continually available to any man who doesn’t learn how to treasure the differences that loving a wife as God would instruct him to do.
So how when a man blames a woman for why he cheats…he is really broadcasting that he has chosen to be ignorant of the responsibility of being a husband….and indeed ..a man.
If a man doesn’t have integrity …what does he have?
It may seem that a man’s word is of little substance today and so few determine to KEEP their word….his NAME according to scripture should mean everything to him
The culture was live in is so permissive that everyone ASSUMES that everyone is untrustworthy and it is only a matter of time before the “price’ is arrived at…
Pro 22:1 A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold.
Sad, I have to agree with Ross Perot who said he would not hire a man who would cheat on his wife…If he would cheat on the woman who should be able to trust him the most …why would he be trustworthy in any position of responsibility.
Today this means little ….what a sad state manhood has stooped to .
All the more reason a man of integrity stands out! Even if nobody else thinks they can trust him…sooner or later the fruit of his life will be enough and he will enjoy the life God has set before all to choose.
Too bad my husband continues to blame everyone else for his choices..even as he SAYS it is his own fault…His actions betray his true perspective.
Sadly he is fooling no one…our daughters in particular who observe his treatment of me …mostly his avoidance…while trying to have a relationship with them….and I continue to hold my ground to do as the Lord would have me to …love your enemies..and forgive ..forgive …forgive.
Zaza,
Thank you for your comments. Ross Perot understood character, as did Robert E. Lee who took similar stands with his officers. Character matters a great deal. The whole infidelity issues reveals a great deal about character. Cheaters and Swingers insist that they are ‘good’ people and want the world to accept them as such. They do not grasp what character really means. For them it is about appearances. Their whole lives are about veneer.
I am reminded about how Amnon hated Tamar after he took advantage of her sexually. She wanted to make things right, but he rejected her to the point of hatred. His passions turned sour. I don’t know if he blamed her, but it would not surprise me.
Our present culture values pragmatism over character. It also values short term benefits over long term ones. This shows up in governmental policy, business operations, education, etc. The focus on short-term gratification of desires rather than doing what is ‘right’ has consequences.