The question was asked, “Can a person overcome an affair?” The short, direct answer to the question is “Yes!” Affairs can be overcome and survived. You and your marriage can make it past an affair. That is one of the key ideas emphasized at ‘Survive Your Partners Affair’.
Looking a little deeper, in asking the question, you may have meant “Can I overcome an affair?” By using the phrase ‘a person’ you are putting some distance between yourself and a painful matter. There may be times that you wonder if you either can or will overcome the affair. By asking the question, it tells me that you may be having doubts about your ability to overcome things. Since a doubting mind often says “no” to any challenge it faces, the question may be a cry for help and reassurance that you can overcome it.
If the person asking the question is so beat down and unsure of themselves that they have to ask permission, the question takes on a desperate quality. Are you asking whether you have permission to overcome the affair? If so, there are some major relationship concerns that need attention beyond the affair. I have encountered some of you who were so beat down that you feel that you have to ask for permission before doing things.
When a marriage is at that point where you have to ask permission to survive or overcome a setback, there are some serious roadblocks that have to be overcome.
If the permission was only a matter of giving yourself the green light, that is another matter. In such cases, it is not a matter of a controlling spouse, but rather a matter of you needing self-validation. Giving yourself permission to make changes in a healthy direction is a good thing. Seeking that permission from outsiders sends a message of helplessness. If you are feeling helpless that is one thing, if you are not feeling helpless, such a question sends the message to the person you are directing it to that you are feeling helpless or powerless. It also asks them to assume a position of power in relation to you. You are wanting them to be an authority figure in your life.
Make no mistake, you can survive the affair. It will change you and your spouse, but you can move past it. If you are wanting to go back to the way it was before the affair, you are out of luck. When an affair happens, the two of you are not going back to where you were. The relationship has changed, so how the two of you deal with each other will change as well.
Overcoming is not returning to the way it was. So in asking if you can overcome the affair with the expectation it will be ‘as before’ you will be disappointed.
There is often more to such simple questions than meets the eye.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
Yes I think this is one of the ways that we are affected upon the discovery of adultery in the intimate nature of marriage. The intentional violation is a startling revelation by someone who has been trusted with our heart over however many years we have lived side by side with them.
One of the things I believe is important for the betrayed is to realize that all of life involves the ‘journey’ mentality. Stuff hits us from all sides that is less than desirable and yes HOW we deal with it can make a big difference in the outcome and whether it directs us to answers which are useful and constructive or activities which further destroy our soul.
Having trusted someone who was supposed to realize that all of these ‘challenges’ in life were to be met as a united effort by the one person who gave assurance at the time of the marriage vow to learn through and grow along with each other as whatever came about during their combined lifetime.
This is so unexpected by those who marry with the understanding that adultery is not an ‘option’ and most would say at the time of the wedding that they would NEVER expect to cheat….assurances must be strengthen by actions which will work to avoid opportunities for infidelity and work to strengthen the bonds and affection for one another that was the condition of the hearts at the time they promised to live and learn to love throughout their married life to one another.
I have known and observed the ‘better life’ that many people throughout my life have had as they divorced one person and ‘moved on’ to the ‘greener grass’ they just could not live without.
The ‘secret’ to having a happy married life alluded them since marriage itself is not the magic pill to happiness but it is the journey through life lived with the one person faithfully that would have resulted in a fruitful result …many call ‘happiness’
The marriage ‘hoppers’ generally have found out they have been lacking the SKILLS that are required of a person to appreciate what they have in the person they vowed to be faithful to for life.
Being aware that some additional social skills are going to be needed and can be learned takes a DESIRE to do so.
Being teachable takes humility …not only are selfish people challenged deeply by marriage relationship but those who are prideful are also not easily moved to feel they might need to learn new ways to not only get along but also to be THANKFUL .
When a person is exceptionally good looking, or above average in various aspects admired in the world …they will have to really want to learn…and want to serve their spouse.
There are so many ‘options’ to those who have had a rather easy time of it getting loads of flattering attention in life …marriage may call for a real wake up call for them ….it is not all about YOU!
Even these wonder boys and superstars can learn to become content with the person they marry …yet in our fast paced , self centered , instant gratification there seems to be little patience to endure the various ways that any other person’s challenges may delay pleasure or spontaneous whims of a person who is bent upon doing whatever they want , whenever they want despite the necessity to plan ahead when they have a wife or family.
The work world offers many MANY activities that can come upon a man or woman on the job that tempt them to get in on something going on ….they tend to not want to miss an opportunity to enjoy and indulge .
While compared to the home-life the work involved and dailiness may pale by comparison if that person has entered into the marriage with the attitude that they are entitled to a life that is not ‘boring’ but unwilling to learn to appreciate the jurisdiction which calls upon a person to delay gratification in order to grow what will be a solid home-life for children and a life long deeper view of ONE person as the journey goes forward.
The idea of overcoming when an adulterous breach has occurred is one that is difficult for a person who is not intentional about learning to VALUE what he has and what he has taken on when he married.
Patience is not the virtue that has been first on his list of desirable attributes.
When a person enters marriage they do not marry with the experience of how adultery will require them to come to terms with it ..and there is no awareness of a timetable that is ‘normative’ to how to heal or what it will be like’
WHO enters marriage prepared to know how the betrayal of years of loyal trust will require strengths unknown for them to deal with it.
Even with any past romantic breakups …marital infidelity is something only those who have had to deal with it have any idea of it’s depth of darkness that such a violation wrecks havoc within and without …self and family who has to realize the insensitivity of the spouse who seems to deem his own pleasure and appetites more important than considering the losses to ALL those who have trusted him.
The attitude that I have personally seen here is that the adulterer cannot and will not want to have to think about what the shock and pain is and does not want to know.
The pain he caused is too painful for him to stop his wonderful life to deal with .
And in truth this is just the same kind of lack of consideration that has led him to not patiently dealt honestly with his various ‘issues’ that were useful to justify his lengthy life long using of anyone willing to enter into the sacred domain of the marriage.
The healing was taking too long and too inconvenient.
The mentality that has led to self serving lusty search for ‘playmates’ is the same one that prevents a cheater who is ‘sorry’ from caring to learn how their infidelity has effected all who have been in his jurisdiction …wife and family..even friends.
“Get over it …” ….”Move on”
These kinds of statements from the cheater and even from others ….is insensitive and actually I believe it is a form of selfish need to feel better because anyone who is in the midst of this kind of healing ….which can take a lot of time even when you are working to overcome …is just too ‘scary’ for others.
The cheater may even take the attitude that your pain is just a way to make HIM feel worse!
There is a lot more to being ‘sorry’ about cheating than many want to own up to .
Change that occurs while a cheater who is really sorry will take time and endurance and a willingness to stay the course no matter how ‘LONG” it may take.
Now after 8 years I am doing much better though I have had to go it alone.
Triggers still occur in random unexpected ways ….but not as frequently.
My husband left because he said after a couple of years of continued expectation of my hurt , even while I continued to try to offer understanding for HIS situation …he just said ‘I can’t ‘do this’ any more” and departed…
His ‘choice’ made because he felt he had a ‘choice’ …
Marriage vows require a lot of people but God who designed marriage to work in ways HE will supply the wisdom and instruction for success will make it worth it to those who are not convinced that THEY should not have to work too hard to enjoy marriage…
People work at school work…..at a career …at a job….even to develop skills to enjoy a sport ….so WORK and EFFORT is required in life …
But somehow in marriage people expect to just have that early marriage ‘paradise’ go on forever without ever having to do a bit of ‘weeding ‘ and ‘feeding’ the garden!
Plants die when they are neglected…..Loving one’s wife is a form of ‘food and water’ that would yield much satisfaction ….but that is not the present understanding of the culture ..
God’s Word is healing …but how ‘fast’ is not the criteria…..healing from infidelity is a possibility today because the New Testament means of recovery involves ….repentance…which is available because of mercy and grace…a GREAT alternative to the call for stoning which the Old Testament often called for .
Salvation is a gift granted to those who willing to humble themselves to the idea that we are born sinners….and it is the GRACE of God who has judged sin ….and provided us with a savior because all are without the ability to avoid judgement upon sin IF they have no savior …Jesus Christ paid the penalty which sin REQUIRES by the standard of God’s judgment.
He must judge sin and the wages of sin is death.
In Jesus Christ one who belongs to him has his debt paid in full.
So …the length of time it takes for a hurting spouse to heal from discovering adultery that has opened the door to all kinds of destruction in a marriage and family …not the least of which is emotional….count …danger to both the home and children …[ie mentally unstable lovers, sexual preditors.] physical health …stds…..Careers and financial depletion….
But I don’t have to elaborate for those who are arriving HERE .
So the complaint that one who is betrayed is making too big a deal about it …and are taking too long to heal ….is LAME
Those who cheat should be THANKFUL that they are not living in the OT days….where adultery was dealt with quickly and decisively …so that it did not become seen as nothing to fear .
But the truth is that adultery …as with any sin …results in damage , loss and ultimately …without a savior …eternal death ..
Not something to take lightly.
Anyone who is married and has cheated and have a spouse who is willing to work through and take whatever has occurred in the hearts of their hurting spouse should be SO THANKFUL !
Yet …the character strength it takes to do that takes a real repentance.
Here is what I found that describes what one should observe to know what is true sorrow…I numbered the qualities for clarity we are looking for….
2 Cor 7:10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
11 For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort,
1-what carefulness it wrought in you,
2- yea, what clearing of yourselves,
3-yea, what indignation,
4- yea, what fear,
5-yea, what vehement desire,
6- yea, what zeal,
7-yea, what revenge!
In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.
Those attitudes are good litmus test to look for in one self when you want to know if you are really sorry …..it gives a good list of things we want to see to identify how sincere one is about being sorry about their sin .
It is a sense of NEVER wanting to do that again.
An effort to learn how to deal with and avoid such kinds of situations or activities that would draw one back into it.
The worldly sorrow is basically just sorry they got caught.
I found that in the past when I caught an early infidelity that my husband just became a better liar and was able to skillfully orchestrate his infidelities mostly covered by his various career ‘needs’ ..
Work becomes not just a great means to find people willing and eager to participate in ‘reindeer games’ but also a great smoke screen for the necessity to be absent from family for any duration they think that will ‘fly’ as the justification for their absence.
When a family is being supported by the likes of this man …what can you say?
I am healing …but it is slow going …being in a state of wanting to offer help to others and encouragement to others.
One of the hard things is that even after giving so many years to my husband and for his desires …now …when I could use some help myself and my household …he ‘needs’ to cut us off …”for his own emotional health.”
His compassion and generosity still goes on …toward others….while I am slowly continuing pursuit of overcoming.
There is no ‘timeline’ that I am aware of.
Life goes on …oh yes it does.
My joy is in the Lord and now I know the truth of that …