Dinner conversation with an old friend

Yesterday my wife and I met with some old friends for dinner at the local cafe. Since they are with “Weekend to Remember” which helps couples strengthen their marriages, the conversation quickly went to relationship issues.  The topic came up as whether or not things go too far in a marriage to repair. Although it is not a pleasant issue, there are many of you who do have to consider ‘how far is too far’ and ‘when you have had enough’.

Although I am one that seeks solutions and answers, it was uncomfortable discussing at what point there is no hope. I grew uncomfortable considering marital situations where there is no coming back. Regrettably, those situations exists. It pains me to say, but there are times that couples feel they have no option but to ‘throw in the towel’.

What became clear about those situations, is that the couple delayed doing anything about the problem. They knew that the problem existed, but delayed doing anything about it, or or only did surface changes. When you only do those surface changes, it may look different, but little has actually changed. The furniture may have been rearranged, but the roof still leaks so to speak.

If you know your marriage has problems or that there is an affair situation that needs attention, you need action. There are things you can do to start changing your communication, your expectations, how the two of you talk to each other, what you talk about and how you establish intimacy between the two of you.

As dinner went on, it was clear that many couples do not really talk with each other. Some know how to express themselves, but that is not real communication. When your communication is real. When it is heart to heart communication, it changes you and them with each interaction. You do not walk away from talking to your spouse being the same person that started the conversation. When you really connect with each other, things start changing.

I shared with them how some of the other counselors dealing with affairs handle things. One focuses on analyzing what kind of affair is going on before taking action. Knowledge is good, but it is no substitute for learning how to connect with each other. I shared with them how I believed that sense of connecting and working together helps couples tackle affair issues more effectively than arguing about what kind of affair it was or the details that bog people down.

My friend was astounded that there were other counselors dealing affairs that did not believe in marriage. It astounded me as well. I posed the question “How can he help them improve their marriage, when he does not believe in marriage?” My friend did not have an answer to that question I have been considering either.

We agreed that many couples do not know how to talk to each other, or even where to begin. We also went over ways of overcoming this challenge. Improving communication is a good start. We also concluded that many men do not know how to be the husbands and fathers they need to be. They often need help in taking on those responsibilities which we discussed ways of doing.

We each left our dinner conversation changed men. We had new ideas, new insights and new challenges before us. Communication and really connecting changes relationships and changes people.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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2 Responses

  1. My husband and I attended one of the weekend to remember events. I thought it was good and we renewed our commitment at the end

    Considering how things went from there on…communication between us continued to be difficult with the dynamic of the condition I was in …shock and sorrow with many unanswered questions and my husband pretty much having expected me to have “healed” in a much shorter time line

    He seems to have lived so long in a veritable state of no accountability that having to be transparent and become more knowledgeable of the ways his infidelity lying stealing and having children was actually a serious matter not just for me but our adult children he chose avoidance and finally departure into a totally independent and single life …with only occasional “dates” with our children and no unnecessary contact or interaction with me

    Originally I had thought he would find a way to work things out for himself about all the issues as he said he did not want to end our marriage but “just couldn’t do this any more”

    That he wanted to continue contact with the children of adultery but not the OW was understandable to me

    I had asked him to first focus upon working on our relationship but he felt that was asking too much

    I wanted him to know I would wait for him to work his issues out as he was only going to be in the separate place “temporarily”…it seems he is more and more “at home” in his place ….which takes a considerable amount away from our already diminished savings

    No matter….he seems to be in a kind of self imposed exile

    Is his marriage “over”?

    I wonder about if it ever really functioned as a marriage relationship since I had not experienced much in the way of a singular priority …sometimes not even regarded as highly as his co workers and employees!

    I feel that I was something of a “prop” to establish him as godly family man to the outsiders…not his OW of course….she was anti establishment…anti Christian…and anti anything traditional

    So do I still believe in my marriage? I believe that God made us one flesh upon the requests and vows made

    I believe that those vows were made as much to our Heavenly Father as to each other

    My husband’s apparent departure from his past integrity does not nullify what God has joined and if either one of us is determined to keep our word to God and everyone who witnessed them then the marriage stands
    So far I continue to stand
    Whenever my husband returns there will be work (and maybe blood and sweat too! Hahah) just kidding
    But people who marry not willing to tough out the difficulties are deceived into thinking the adultery so prevalent in our world today is an easy out….they will find out there are no easy outs wherein sin is concerned

    Your sins will find out out is true

    That is why we all need the Savior!

    Thankful for that

    1. Zaza,

      It sounds like the weekend experience opened up communication. The problem was that things had been bad for so long, that not a lot could be done. It sound like it was effective, but late.

      One of the problems is that when people stay in the affair lifestyle too long, they adjust to it and redefine what they consider ‘normal’. This new normal is dysfunctional.

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