Guns and Lovers

Being a counselor, I am always on the lookout for new illustrations that communicate ideas with greater clarity. Over the weekend, I encountered one from a surprising place, a podcast about guns. The presenter was asked about what caliber of ammunition he preferred and his response was “That is like the saying, ..You never talk bad about your wife or your girlfriend”.

When I heard that I though “Wow!” He nailed the problem that many of you encounter when you confront the cheater about their lovers. You put them on the spot and expect them to hate the lover as much as you do, and when they don’t it bothers you. The problem is that the cheater hates being put on the spot. When they are forced to choose between their lover and their wife they would rather not. They do not want to talk bad about either one, and when you force them to, it puts them in a bind.

Expecting the cheater to bad mouth the lover is creating a potential unrealistic expectation. They want to maintain the ‘best of both worlds’. They do not want to upset either you or the lover. They are not going to feel the same reaction to the lover as you do, at least not at first. Expecting them to ‘hate’ the lover or ‘talk negatively’ about the lover, or even agree with you when you talk negatively about them is setting yourself up for potential trouble.  If you do not understand how the ‘drama triangle’ works this is where it bites you in the butt.

If anything attacking the lover is a way to alienate you from the cheater.

Like the expert on the gun podcast, being pressured to choose between calibers, it is a no-win. When the mind is in a bind, it says “NO”. When you put your cheater’s mind in a bind, they will say “NO” and avoid the issue altogether.

Instead of alienating the cheater you may want to work with them to help them resist urges and bad choices. The urges and bad choices are your real enemy, not the lover. Attacking the lover without doing anything about the urges and choices will only give you a new flavor of the month down the road.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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