Have you ever considered the question “Why do some spouses fall apart with news of an affair and others do not?”
In searching for an answer, does this mean that all affairs are not the same? Does this mean that the type of affair makes all the difference? Does this mean that affairs for some people are…natural?
The answer I found is “none of the above”. There may be things to consider in those responses, yet the main determinant lies in the history of the spouses. Yes, the answer lies in the history of you and the cheater.
If either of you have had a high frequency of chronic trauma, then the likelihood of developing PTSD symptoms is higher. As Claudia Black states “When there is a high frequency of chronic trauma, there is a higher likelihood of PTSD”. For affairs, that means that whether or not you experience PTSD type symptoms depends on what you have gone through in your past.
That means the numbness, negative thinking, memory problems, sensations of helplessness, guilt, shame, difficulty sleeping and other issues have a reason for being there. When you are hit with the tidal wave news of an affair, your mind searches your memory banks for when you had this happen before. If you have been through tough times, those memories shape your reactions.
Although the cheater may say that you are over-reacting or that you are being too sensitive, or that you are too old fashioned, or some other trite attempt at dismissing what you are experiencing. They may not want to deal with what is going on. They do not understand the power of your reaction. Since there is a big difference between being ignorant and being evil, it is important to not confuse them. Your spouse may not know how to deal with what you are experiencing. When they don’t know, it does not mean they are uncaring.
You and they may not realize the ways the news of the affair are triggering old fears of abandonment, helplessness and neglect. There may be more contributing to your reaction than the affair itself. That means that there may be more that needs to be addressed than just the affair. When that is the case, the two of you need to be communicating and working together in tackling this issue, which is the approach taken in the “Affair Recovery Workshop“.
Your search for finding out “What type of affair you are dealing with?” will be a wild goose chase during a time that the two of you need each other.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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