I was reminded in a recent email that many of you need ways of rebuilding trust in your marriage even though
neither one of you had an affair. The assumption is made that if there was no affair, that there is no need to deal with the trust.
Trust can be damaged in many ways. Although trust can provide immense strength in a relationship, it can also be hurt or damaged with callous words, lies, misplaced priorities or substance abuse. Sometimes the damage comes from those near misses. It may be a rumor of an affair, white lies, forgetfulness or misusing money. There are many seemingly ‘innocent’ ways that trust can be damaged as well
Dismissing help on rebuilding trust based on ‘how’ it happened is often a big mistake. Regardless of how the trust was damaged, it needs repair. When trust needs repairing, that should be the focus of your attention. Once you regain some trust in each other, then the two of you can start working together on ‘How’ it was damaged.
Of course, it is human nature to find ‘respectable’ ways of avoiding help. A part of either you or your spouse may not want to address the issues underlying the trust in the first place. It could be avoidance or fear that something worse is going on. You make it look like you are getting help for the problem, yet not serious enough help to actually change your relationship or make either one of you uncomfortable.
You may also be putting help off. Procrastination is a weird thing. You can fool your mind into thinking that you are getting help, when in reality you are not. Just shopping for help is not getting help.
When your car is wrecked in an accident, it needs repair. The question of whether you were dodging a deer, a child or another driver becomes a moot point. Deciding on whether the repairs are done by someone who specializes in deer induced damage versus, avoiding drunk driver damage or some other form of damage, whether from raccoons, stray black cows or ufo’s becomes all academic. Your car is in need of repair. When it needs repair, you take it to a person who can fix the repair.
When your trust needs repair, you want help in addressing the trust. Once the damage is repaired, you can then work with your spouse on avoiding the cause or the damage or ways of minimizing future risks. That is the time for hair splitting and highly specific action plans.
Letting specifics keep you from getting the trust damage repaired is straining at gnats. If you have trust damage, you want to get that repaired, then work on the details.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
