The question was posed, “How do I deal with a spouse who won’t admit to the affair?” This is a frustrating situation, since they are blocking you from the information you are after. You just want a simple yes or no, and they are keeping you from getting it.
You may find yourself expressing in exasperation “They won’t admit to the affair!” along with feeling like you are banging your head against the wall.
Bear in mind that how you deal with this question often sets the stage for the next ‘situation’. If you pull out ‘all the stops’ on this one question and finally force compliance, you will find yourself with few options in terms of ways of dealing with the cheater once they answer the question.
Hammering them with force and threats may get them to answer, but it sets an unpleasant precedent in your marriage. That precedent is that force has to be used to obtain communication rather than love or trust. Having to force answers out of your spouse anytime you want to know something turns you into a monster and them into a victim.
The relationship between monsters and victims is not the same as between a loving husband and wife. Monsters use control to deal with their victims. Things are done out of fear, rather than out of love. This creates power struggles. Each interaction becomes a power struggle, where one person is the winner and the other is the loser.
Power struggle communication is far from the cooperation that you actually want. Power struggle communication also destroys intimacy. So, using threats and force may get you the information you want, but end up costing you the intimacy you crave.
The simple answer to how to deal with a spouse that won’t admit to the affair is ….communication. Since communication of vital information is the issue, improving the effectiveness of communication is the answer. Communication problems call for communication based answers.
When they won’t admit to the affair, they are withholding information. This is a communication problem. There may be some trust issues or power issues that are contributing to what is going on, but at the root, it is a communication issue.
When a problem like this comes up, you and your spouse are not communicating. The two of you are not sharing information with each other. It tells me that something is not working in your relationship.
Using force to fix it, is akin to having a hammer and viewing the world as your nail. Hammering your spouse is not going to help them feel safe enough to open up with you. It is not by accident that lawyers refer to ‘hammering out’ settlements since force is often their tool of choice.
So what can you do?
You have several communication options.
- You can engage them on an heart to heart level. Here you share with them what you are feeling. (e.g.”I am feeling shut out when you give me your the stone man response”). In order to successfully engage them on a heart to heart level. you will need to limit it to ‘true’ feelings. If you tell them what you think and present it as if it were a feeling, it cross wires your communication and short circuits any message you intend to send. (I address this in more detail in the Affair Recovery Workshop).
- You can use the ‘salting’ method of creating interest. This is where you use questions in an effective manner to create interest. You use them in such a way that your spouse has an interest in telling you whether or not they had the affair. (e.g. “Honey, you know what makes me want to get close to you and be with you? ” …The spouse, out of curiosity, takes the bait, redirects their attention to you and asks, “No, what?” At that point, you have their attention and focus. It is as this point, you can share the question or concern that is on your heart) I do not go into detailed instructions on this method, since most people misuse this approach and it turns into a manipulation. Rather than have a manipulation backfire, it is best to avoid using this approach at this time.
- You can use sensory overload techniques to open channels of communication. Here you find a way to engage them on the tactile, olfactory, visual and auditory channels.
- You can use discover the sensory channel in which they process information. Once you discover this channel, you craft messages that are designed to connect with them on this level.
Even more important than these methods is what you do BEFORE you communicate what you want. When you do not do this critical task, any attempt to engage your spouse will be unsuccessful or only partially successful. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I address what this critical yet, task is.
I find that pain often clouds your thinking. This is so true when it comes to dealing with affair matters. Many of the common communication mistakes stem from using communication to help reduce your pain, rather than improving the connection with your spouse.
You can avoid these mistakes. You can also learn ways of better connecting with your spouse and moving past them not wanting to admit to the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
