One of the areas where you may feel a letdown from your spouse is when you suddenly realize that ‘let you down’. They disappointed you in some aspect of trust. When that happens, the temptation is to blame them for what happened. In most cases, they actually did something to betray the trust you had in them. Although they likely did something or didn’t do something that lead to the betrayal of trust, it is also important to look at who you were putting your trust in.
In my experiences, I have learned that although it is simpler to assume that one part is to blame for 100% of all trust problems, that is not always the case. In fact, most of the time, those betrayals and disappointments are actually a mix of responsibility.
The 100% blame is the easy out. It is a quick fix solution to unpleasant situations. Your spouse may legitimately be responsible for 98% of what happened. The part I want to encourage you to look at that also contributed to the ‘trust crisis’ is where you put your trust.
In my “How Can I Trust You Again?“, I propose that most people do not understand what trust is. Along with this idea is that you may be one of those who trust people you do not really know. You may be placing trust in your spouse, without knowing the ‘real’ them. You may be trusting a stranger or their avatar, rather than who they are.
What I am talking about here is the tendency to trust the avatar of your spouse rather than them. They often present an ‘image’ of who they are to the world, and possibly you. Some of you have actually trusted in that ‘best foot forward’ image of your spouse rather than who they really are complete with all that goes with it. This includes the hopes, dreams and fantasies surrounding their avatar.
Who your spouse really is involves knowing their strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities and flaws. If you know that they have a weakness for athletic redheads, for example, consider what you can do to help them resist these weaknesses. Find ways of protecting their weakness. When you do that, you begin understanding who they really are, what they are really made of. You learn how to trust the real them, rather than their avatar.
It is easy to fall for the avatar. That is the image they want the world to see. That is the image that the two of you want to present to the world. The real them still struggles with fears, flaws and weaknesses. Those are not the image you want the world to see. It does not help them or you.
Your spouse may have even hid the real them in order to please you or as a way of hiding something they struggle with, fear or are ashamed of. That side needs your acceptance. That side needs your trust.
Perhaps you were putting more trust in their avatar than they were ready to handle. That does not excuse what they did, although it did contribute to the trust crisis.
If you want to know more about redirecting and rebuilding your trust, consider learning how to apply the Trust Formula as presented in How Can I Trust You Again?.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
