Getting you out of ‘Affair Survival Mode’ is possible. You do not have to stay stuck in that endless loop of reliving the affair over and over. When you are stuck in the loop, there is often a sense that time is frozen at the point of the affair.
Part of getting out of “Affair Survival Mode” involves letting go of negative self programming. This programming may come from your spouse, yourself or even your parents. The message “Nothing I ever do is good enough!” will need let go of. As long as you hold onto that message, you will be staying in “Affair Survival Mode”.
When I think of “Affair Survival Mode”, I recall when I was in Junior High School. At that time, I was involved in athletics. As part of our training, we were required to run “The Big Loop”. The “Big Loop” consisted of four backstops at the distant corners or the athletic area. Although we ran them to get into shape, they were also used for discipline. When we messed up, we were told to ‘take another loop’.
I often dreaded hearing the words ‘take another loop’. My sides were already aching and I was breathing heavily. My feet seemed heavier with each footfall. I often wondered if I could finish the loop I was on, let alone consider doing another one. If often took will power and determination in completing the loop I was on. I told myself ‘just a little bit more, just a little bit more’ as I willfully plodded toward the finish line. Just as I neared it, the coach said…’take another loop’, so I put my head down into determination mindset, and carried on.
In a similar manner, when you continue thinking “Nothing I do is good enough!”, you are telling yourself to ‘take another loop’ and circle around through your pain. You are not ready for healing and change yet. I often cringe in pain at seeing people like you have to ‘take another loop’ and stay stuck for a little longer. I hate seeing you suffer or hearing about your hurts, yet I know that is part of the healing process.
Getting out of “Affair Survival Mode” requires giving yourself permission to change and making choices. I discuss the importance of making choices and what it means to de-cide something in the first module of the “Affair Recovery Workshop“.
What I can tell you is that your own childhood may be keeping you locked into unhealthy patterns in your marriage and making the “Affair Survival Mode” last longer than it needs to. Issues such as Father Hunger and Mother enmeshment can keep you stuck in that mode. Although the affair put you there, you childhood and family may be keeping you there longer than you need to be.
You can move past the “Affair Recovery Mode”. You do not have to stay stuck or ‘take another loop’ any longer.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
