Catchy phrases like “Time heals all wounds” are often used when dealing with an affair. When the cheater use
such phrases with you, they often come across as cliche. Not only that, cheaters often use these phrases to ‘avoid’ any real discussions. They are used as discussion enders to end any talk regarding the affair or how it impacts you.It is as if the phrase is used as ‘the final word’ on the topic under discussion.
You may wonder what makes cheater use such phrases. When they are used, they are a means to an end. If all cheaters used these cliche phrases to avoid discussing the affair I could give you a clear one size fits all answer. The question you will need to consider is what is the end they are using it for?
In some cases, the cheater is using the ‘Time heals all wounds” to avoid intimacy and honesty. They do not know what to say.By using the cliche, they try ending any discussion which makes them uncomfortable. They do not know what to say or what to do. They are lost and without a clue, but do not want to admit it.
In other cases, they are wanting to put off discussion of the affair. By using this cliche, they are ‘kicking the can down the road’ in hopes that at some time in the future it can be resolved. In doing so, they treat the affair like a petty crime or a zit that time often does bring healing to. When they treat the affair like a petty crime, they diminish its impact. They act as if it is no big deal, because they view it that way. In the cheater’s mind, they do not view the affair as a big deal, so why should you?
When the cheater is a big-time avoider, they are using time as a tool to continue avoiding the issue and any responsibility for what happened. The avoiders live in a magical world. In this world, what is not talked about does not exist. By not talking about the affair or delaying it until the future, it does not exist. In the magic world of the avoider, they want to pick up as if nothing happened, since in their mind..nothing happened. The cliche ‘out of sight, out of mind’ is how they live.
If you dare mention the affair to the avoider, they will try shutting you down by claiming, “That is in the past” or attack you for wanting to ‘live in the past’. As more time passes, they assume that the issue of the affair is closed. They are ignorant of the traumatic effects of the affair on others. They assume that since they can move past the affair, you can too.
Part of the traumatic effect of an affair is that it ‘stops time’. The pain and the shock are so real, that to those who are truamatized, time stands still. Whether it happened six months ago, or five years ago, the pain is still there and still real. The avoidant cheater does not understand this phenomena. They want the magic of time to cover things up and allow life to go on. Like a magic wand, they wave with the phrase “Time heals all wounds” and it is supposed to make all things bright and beautiful.
There are also times that the ‘avoider’ spiritualizes matters and accuses you of ‘NOT FORGIVING THEM’ when you bring up the affair. When this happens, my mind immediately pictures monkeys throwing feces around. The cheater in such cases throws guilt inducing feces bombs at those who dare to bring up the past. They may even dare to bring up Scripture related to forgiveness to make you feel even more guilty.
I use the monkey image, in order to get past the self-righteous posturing that is going on. When the ‘forgiveness bombs’ are being thrown at you, you may find yourself in a strange disconnect. You may feel torn between acknowledging the truth of the scripture, and reality of the trauma you experienced. These forgiveness bombs have a way of putting you in an existential crisis. The monkey image helps me to navigate through such scenarios.
In the mind of the avoidant cheater, they were able to move forward, since you were not, something is wrong with you. They ignore the extensive damage their actions did to you. They ignore the amount of trust they devastated. They gloss over how it totally disrupted your life. Since they are able to move on, you should be able to do so as well.
Time does heal all wounds when the wound is properly dressed. When the wound is ignored, time only brings more bacteria and toxic sepsis. That is the reality of life. That is basis first aid. This is true of physical wounds and relationship wounds as well. When the wound of the affair is not dressed, time brings more resentments and toxic bitterness.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
