Time to heal from the affair

In the aftermath of an affair,  both spouses need time for their emotions to heal. Although the affair can be

ended quickly, frayed emotions do not heal so quickly. When your emotions are frayed or bruised, they will take time to heal.

It often pains me when with tearful eyes or pain-filled letters, readers ask “How long will it take to heal from the affair?” I so much wish I could tell you five weeks, two months or some other time frame. With this kind of hurt, neither I, nor anyone else can give you a date or a time frame.

In my material on trust, one of the topics that is addressed is that of expectations. When you expect instant results, even when the affair is over, you will be disappointed. Although the bad things happen suddenly, healing is one of the things that does not happen suddenly.

If an affair developed as slow as healing occurs, you would have seen in coming.  You would have had an early warning. The undoing of an affair takes much longer than the setting up of an affair. The backside is always longer and slower than the front end.

This means that you will have to give yourself ‘permission’ to heal. Your feelings will be hurt for a while, they may take time to warm up or soften. Those harsh pains have to fade over time. They can not be switched off. If you have used drugs or alcohol to deal with the affair, it will take even longer. Drugs and alcohol often deaden the pain. You are emotionally anesthetized. When that happens, the healing slows, if not stops.

In order to heal, you will have to feel. There are no shortcuts, nor tricks or back door secrets. The emotions will have to ‘reset’. Your nerves and nervous system will have to reset. Your mind will have to reset.

You can use your ‘mind over matter’ techniques at first, yet when it comes to healing, it takes TIME. Healing also takes ‘permission’. There is no use of willpower or mental discipline to make it happen sooner. You can not rush it or force it if you want healthy healing. You have to allow yourself to heal and allow time to heal.

Healing is healthy. Rushing it is unhealthy and holding onto the pain is unhealthy. Each of these extremes has consequences.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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