I can understand that you are confused and bewildered in your search for answers regarding affairs. A few weeks ago, I began a project of reading through the bestselling books on affair recovery (according to Amazon). I wanted to see for myself what you are faced with, and the kinds of answers that are out there.
One book stated, “We urge you to ignore anyone who offers a definitive answer, whether that person is a family member, friend, professional or author of another self-help book.” On reading that, I had to do a double-take and re-read what I’d encountered.
I thought to myself, “When someone is hurting, they want answers. And they not only want answers, but they want them to be clear and definitive.” Many times, when people are hurting, they are searching for answers. If they had read the book in question, I wondered what kind of answers they would get—if any.
If a book does not have definitive answers, then why read the book? I don’t know about you, but when I read a self-help book, I want definitive answers. I want to know what to do. I want to know what I am dealing with. I want direction.
Sure, the book addresses many of the important topics related to affairs, and brings up things to consider. Those things have their place. When your world is falling apart, you want help. You want answers to your questions. Answering questions with more questions is not an answer at all. In my mind, answering questions with questions in an ad infinitum manner is nothing more than a run around.
Despite making statements about the need for boundaries and the importance of children, there are other non-definitive stances taken. The case is made for consideration of open marriages, along with the need to include the lover in discussions of relationship boundaries. But, I guess the recommendations and answers of the authors are not definitive, so they are not to be ignored like everyone else’s.
For authors to say “do not listen to those giving definitive answers” and then deliver their own form of definitive answers confuses me, to say the least. If it confuses me, I can only imagine the kind of mixed message and confusion it leaves vulnerable readers with.
When you are vulnerable, the last thing you need is another run around. Your spouse is already running around. You do not need your self-help book giving you the run around as well. Mind you, this book, which states that you need to ignore definitive answers, is on the top 100 list for two categories.
This brings me to the question, “Are you looking for answers?” If you are, you need to carefully consider where you look and who you read or listen to. If you are looking for books to understand or accept affairs, there are authors out there that will tell you what you want to hear. They are usually well funded and prolific. Every cheater wants books that tell them that they are okay and nothing is wrong with what they did. The message that “cheating is normal” is a popular message that many cheaters and potential cheaters want to hear. They have itching ears that want to be tickled with affirmations of them and their choices.
If you are looking for definitives and clear direction, you will need to look harder. Books providing straight talk and straight answers about affairs are not quite as popular. Such books often step on people’s toes, and do not have the mass market appeal.
Sure, everyone wants that little bit of sugar to make the bad tasting medicine of affairs go down smooth. The problem is that affairs are something that you can not sugar coat. They destroy marriages, families, and lives. Making them go down smoothly only allows more denial to spread and keep you from dealing with vital issues.
As I point out in the Affair Recovery Workshop, you will have to make choices. You will have to decide on many matters. To decide, you will need definitive answers.
You will also need friends and trusted persons who can give you solid, definitive answers. You may not agree with them, but you need something more than wishy-washy, “let’s consider all sides” kinds of responses. You cannot function in an environment that has no absolutes or definitive answers.
2 Responses
Kudo’s on your response to not accept affairs as a normal part of life. I especially applaud your “itchy ears” retort. P
Affairs should not be accepted as “part and parcel” of a normal marriage. They’re not and shouldn’t never be.
It’s akin to rewriting marriage vows to say; these are the guidelines unless you feel like contravening them due to circumstances that are within your control.
What good is a commitment that’s not one? Why even bother?
Thanks again for reaffirming a seemingly unpopular position.
Scott,
Thank you for the kudo’s, they are encouraging. I like your comment, “Affairs should not be accepted as “part and parcel†of a normal marriage. They’re not and shouldn’t never be.” Unfortunately, there are some vocal people in society that are working hard at redefining marriage. The new redefinition includes normalizing affairs, weakening the bonds of marriage and abolishing traditional families. I say ‘new’, yet the attempt at redefining marriage and family has been going on for a long time.
To me, marriage vows do mean something. In these days, we need commitment and loyalty more than ever.
You are not alone. There are many people who are fed up with the push toward normalizing affairs. When we are in pain, it is hard to see past the pain.
Regards,
Jeff