Have you ever considered the question “Why should I rebuild trust in my marriage?” This is a good question. This question examines your motives for rebuilding trust in your marriage.
Although I think it is good to rebuild trust and that it can be rebuilt, it’s also helpful for you to consider your motivation for doing so.
Some of you may think that, once trust is broken, there is no hope for your marriage. I have seen grown adults throw away their marriages based on this “one strike and you’re out” mentality.
This is a rigid view (that trust is something that can never be repaired once it is broken). This is taking rigidity to the max. In such cases, I often wonder if their marriages had become their gods. They put so much faith in fidelity that there was no room for human error.
I know the idea of marriage being a god sounds weird, yet rather than trust God, they trust in their marriages. They look to their marriage for identity, security and a sense of place in the world.
When one fault is found in the trust, the marriage, or their spouse, in their mind, the marriage is over. God never designed marriage to function in the capacity of being a deity like that. In such circumstances, the marriage has to be pristine, museum-like perfection 100% of the time.
These kinds of marriages look good, yet do not allow for mistakes or for people being human. Any fault means that it has ‘failed’. Rather than marriage being a place to perfect the relationships, it is expected to be perfect.
This kind of rigid thinking of “one trust violation and your out” is dangerous. It has no flexibility. It is suffocating to relationships. When marriages get that rigid, they have lost all flexibility.
They’ve also lost the ability to play. Healthy marriages need flexibility and the ability for you and your spouse to enjoy and play with each other.
At the other extreme are those who treat the trust in their marriage like trash. They use and abuse it, thinking that all they have to do is say the magic phrase of “forgive me” and all is well.
With this mindset, there are repeated violations of trust, to the point where ‘trust’ becomes meaningless. The two of you say you trust each other, yet the functional meaning is that you’ll forgive all their wrongs rather than actually put faith in them. You don’t trust their decision making, believe that they have your best interest and the best interest of your marriage at heart.
When you have the mindset that all you need is to say the magic phrase and trust “reappears,” you are believing more in magic than in any kind of god at all. In such cases, there are frequent break-ups and make-ups. This happens so often, it may become mechanical.
Such marriages lack strength and stability. Everything is always in flux. Such circumstances put them at risk of always being in a state of crisis. When marriages are always in crisis, they’re filled with drama and stress.
Rather than intimacy, you have drama. It is intense, but it is not stable. There is little ability for each of you to trust each other or believe what you are being told.
Trust is not magical in the sense that it “reappears” when you say the right words. It has to be rebuilt. It is also not so rigid that, once broken, it is beyond repair. In my mind, trust is flexible, yet also has to be valued and treated with respect.
Trust adds strength to your marriage, and it also adds flexibility. It allows each of you to be “human.” In allowing you to be human, it is not a license for affairs, yet trust does provide a means to overcome errors.
You need to rebuild trust so that your marriage has strength, yet also has flexibility. You cannot control everything that your spouse does, everyone they talk to, and all that they think about.
You have to risk trusting them. Healthy trust also has a foundation. It is not something that is given blindly. It is based on something.
In rebuilding trust, you are not constructing a new control mechanism for your spouse. You are also not constructing a cage for your spouse.
Your marriage needs a solid foundation. It also needs room to breathe and allow each of you to believe each other, and enjoy each other, without second guessing all the time.
Some couples flounder when it comes to trust, for many possible reasons. Their trust may not have a solid foundation, or they may view trust as a form of word magic, or view marital trust itself as something that will save them.
If you need a better understanding of trust, you may want to consider “How Can I Trust You Again?” so that you will know what trust is, what it takes to rebuild it, and what is required for a solid foundation for your trust.
Best Regards,
Jeff
13 Responses
Cheating is not a “mistake”. It is a choice.
Anonymous,
Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Cheating is definitely a choice. In writing the post, I used the broad brush term ‘mistake’ to cover a wide range of issues, not just affairs. The context was that in some marriages, one spouse will dump the other for a wide variety of issues beyond just the affair issue. You are correct, I should have made that clearer.
The main focus was on having readers examine their motivation for rebuilding trust.
Thank you again for bringing that to my attention.
Jeff
Yes it’s a choice, but I also believe that it is a big mistakes that many people choice to have an affaire. Getting caught up on words, is what holds a lot of people back from healing. Yes my husband made the terrible choice to have a long term affaire ( over a year) but it was probably one of the biggest mistakes in his life, because he’s having to live with the fact that the other woman was never leaving her patner, and he almost lost his family!
Anonymous,
You comment reminds me of the quote, “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.”
–George Bernard Shaw
I often find that husbands and wives assume they can communicate based on how both of them speak English. That assumption often gets them in trouble. Word choices along with the meanings of words and non-verbals often create more distance than they heal. Words become tools to hide, disguise and attack with. Many problems can be overcome with making sure that you understand what your spouse is telling you, and vise-versa.
Many cheaters do not consider the long-term consequences of their choices. They have blinders on that keep them from seeing the ripple effect of their actions on others.
I hate that he made the choice for an affair. I am glad that he did not loose you.
Jeff
Anonymous, I am so sorry this happened to you. It is devastating. Your husband made a choice, not a mistake, to see the other woman each and every time. Over a year. That’s a lot of choices. I am happy for you guys that you made it through this tough time. Good luck to both of you.
I thought this t shirt idea for marrieds…struggling ones in particular was well thought through …reading the comments below the shirt itself
http://store.familymanweb.com/stayingmarried-t-shirt/
No need to go through more trouble and suffering in marriage if one understands the way marriage brings the crucible to dying to self…..”face reality..proceed in principle” was a motto on teacher I had that has proved useful
The only change that might be made for one who comes to Christ is to “…proceed upon “it is written”
Thankfulness increases appreciation of the value of what one has….particularly in ones spouse
“In everything give thanks for this is the will of God concerning you”
Many stray because our world has impressed us with entitlement Attitudes which foments dissatisfaction when even a small matter is used as excuse to go “shopping” for an “upgrade”
There are NO “upgrades” in terms of marriage spouses…the usual stats prove that the adulterous “serial marriages” following broken covenants do not eliminate troubles but only multiplies them
What do you know! The bible and Jesus are right !
Jesus also pointed out that dissatisfaction with one’s spouse was due to a hardened heart
Pride and resistance to being taught anything from God or godly resource of His Word brings about disaster in ones life and does indeed bring pain to all who are in any realm of influence of each person.
Love does no harm to his neighbor
Adultery and even flirting which the Bible identifies as “defrauding” is sin…it darkens understanding and opens ones mind to being more deceived in order to justify and defend sin.
Sowing to the flesh reaps death
Zaza,
Thank you for passing on the t-shirt information. I like it. It is encouraging. Another design I have seen lately that is encouraging is the t-Shirt by unveiled wife. Your suggestions would definitely add some ummph to the message.
The ‘entitlement’ attitude is definitely one that is popular at this time. It is unfortunate that this way of thinking is so widespread. Your comment, “Jesus also pointed out that dissatisfaction with one’s spouse was due to a hardened heart” is a solid truth, that not many are willing to accept or able to understand.
The marriage relationship offers a potential depth and fullness that is beyond the comprehension of many people. When society trains people to look only at the physical attractiveness and sex appeal, they miss out on some life changing stuff.
Sowing to the flesh does indeed reap flesh. My variation of that is “All affairs end in death”. It is a truism I have seen repeated time and again. It may not be people that die, it may be a relationship, a soul, a part of a person, etc.
Best Regards,
Jeff
John 11:25 Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:
Zaza,
There is definitely some renewed hope and vibrancy with such resources. It takes thinking to another level which is often needed in dealing with tough challenges. Thank you for sharing that.
Jeff
1 Cor 15:50 Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; neither doth corruption inherit incorruption.
John 18:36 Jesus answered, My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.
Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Zaza,
Although renewing the mind is essential to getting past the pain. This is often a struggle for many people. They get used to their old way of thinking to the point where they are stuck. It is as if they allow the cheater to stay in the control room of their mind, along with believing many of the lies they have been told. Being ‘transformed’ can be scary for them. It requires a different way of thinking and changing who is in charge in the control room.
Thank You,
Jeff
Change is indeed difficult….to “renew ” our minds I read that As we study the scripture and “vote” mentally in favor of obeying what God directs through our growing knowledge and the aid of His Comforter who promises to “guide us into all truth” and give understanding while the Word instructs….we are being transformed mentally to view all things in accord with His Word
This is. It the world’s idea of the renewed mind or altered consciousness often arrived at through the mystical practices that are peaently taking the place of Gods word in many churches…..which are forms of godliness based upon pagan or occult practices
Salvation is free to us by way of Jesus Christ’s finished work on the cross
Renewed mind results as we are faithful to obey the command of God to those who are believers in Christ…to 2 Tim 2:15
Trusting the power and worth of “consuming and digesting the “daily bread” of His word is something we are cApable of..as we go to Him and ask according to what He has recorded for whomsoever is willing
Overcoming a broken heart or betrayal is difficult if not impossible for us apart from the Lord…some may find help and relief through man’s various techniques but how does God communicate His thoughts upon these things
His answers and solutions are there for us IF we are willing to go about doing what He has offered us for the healing of our hearts and mind…..a “new heart” is promised to those wllling to trust Him and do what He has provided for us to know to grow confident in Him and what He has said
I know of no other sure way to process the work of lies …to expose them…and to understand the source which helps in applying every situation to the measure of His wisdom
Sure it’s hard….it may be the biggest struggle of our lives….but His ability is greater than ours and greater than our doubts
The Word will build in us what we need to overcome all obstacles and only those who involve themselves in His Word will have it assured internally ….it can be spoken of and heard with the ears but only personal surrender to the joint task of the learning from Him in the study of His Word seems to be effective
Out timeline is not His
Betrayed we often want relief “yesterday” but timing that is personally designed to not only relieve our pain but to make the best godly use of that “trial” is far more lasting and worth while
Becoming convinced of His personal care for us as an individual comes by way of our personal time with Him…aka relationship
Often an experience foreign to people who have had a marriage with one who would not engage in such intimacy but sought instant fake “relationship” for some self serving issue
Fear to enter in fully leaves a space for that sense of lack…even when God has provided everything for us…with Him and also in marriage where people recognize and accept the responsibilities and priveledges offered but require the opening of self to the relationship within boundaries
Today people have been led to accept no boundaries as if they might miss something
It’s a lie…they are like the dog on the bridge who drops the bone in his mouth to attempt to gain the one reflected in the water below
Lose…lose😕