Have you ever considered how accepting a church should be of an affair. If you’ve never considered this question, then perhaps it’s time that you did. How churches deal with affairs can tell you a great deal about them.
This is important if you are a congregant, parishioner, member. It is also important if you are a pastor. How your church deals with this issues sets precedents.
When your church is too accepting of an affair, what moral ground will they have in the event of the pastor or church staff having an affair? If they have already compromised with members, they have little room to stand when it comes to the staff.
If your spouse is still cheating or has cheated, one of the concerns I often hear mentioned is how the church deals with the affair.
Those involved with affairs are hurting. Many times they need the support, acceptance and encouragement that are available through the church. Although those things are good, when those same attributes are directed toward an unrepentant cheater, the message gets confused.
Often the unrepentant cheater views the acceptance of them, as an acceptance of their behavior. These days, what you do and who you are are so entwined, many people view acceptance of one as acceptance of the other.
They don’t know the difference between when they are loved and when their behaviors are being accepted.
Although there are many believers out there wanting to tell the world that “Jesus loves them”, they often forget conveying the part of the message that God hates wickedness (in this case the affair) and at times the wicked themselves (Psalm 11:5;Psalm 5:5). God also hates divorce (Malachi 2:16).
Some of you may scratch your head on hearing that wondering “How can He love people and hate wickedness?” The answer is that He knows the difference between who you are and what you do, and is able to do that more than we are able to.
What is often forgotten is that “love” also involves setting limits. It includes acceptance, yet also exclusion. The keeping some things out is also part of “love”.
When you love someone, you take steps to keep them safe, which means removing the dangers. That also means keeping them safe from dangerous behaviors and those who continue persisting in wicked behaviors.
When an affair is underway, if the church is operating according to Biblical direction, they will have nothing to do with the cheater or the lover at that time. Reaching out to the betrayed spouse, on the other hand is a different matter.
There is always the chance that the cheater or lover will become repentant. In that case, they end their wickedness, and start working on doing what is right. When only one part of this is done, they are not fully repentant. True repentance is ceasing from evil and making a turn around to do the right thing. Anything short of that and they are only taking a break from the affair lifestyle.
When your spouse is in the midst of an affair, if the church accepts them instead of shunning them, then the church becomes a weapon of mass destruction. Instead of being a place of hope and healing, it turns into a source of wounding and hopelessness.
The whole situation is different, when the cheater has turned from the whole affair. What remains is whether the church insists on them making a public confession of what occurred or whether it becomes another secret in the house.
The relationship of the church and cheater becomes even more volatile when the cheater is an active member of the church staff or the pastor. In such cases, there are unnatural tensions and relationships that occur. The lines of authority blur with the lines of loyalty and the situation soon descends into a mess.
A tough situation is when the cheater and the lover want to get married in the church. Although getting married is viewed as a good thing, marrying the person you cheated with, is a challenging situation.
When you marry the person you cheated with in the church, it ruins the reputation of each. Seriously, when the church doesn’t take a stand when you cheated, what’s the likelihood it’ll take a stand when someone cheats on you?
I recognize that the church is not perfect. That people are not perfect. Mistakes will be made, some intentional, some accidental.
What is important is that the church takes a stand against the behavior of infidelity. This may mean that some people are excluded from church activities. It may mean that feelings get hurt. It may mean that fellowship suffers.
If the church is going to be a substantial source of hope, it will need to take substantial stands against infidelity, even when the cheaters are members of the church. When churches compromise in areas such as infidelity, it weakens the kind of hope they can provide. The church becomes another social arena or stage where the affair drama gets played out.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
One of the disasters that has occurred in the last several generations is a lack of knowledge as to the Word of God which is His will for all things concerning life and godliness
Much of what the world views as the church is out of bounds doctrinally and the practice of what is truth has suffered
A Christian who has Christ as Saviour from the judgement The Holy God must apply since He is not just love but holy and just against sin
Sin kills….all of Gods word warns for our own good and protection
Moving away from treating the Bible as God breathed and kept by the Lord through the ages in people’s minds has brought about a powerless “sin spotted” institution that denies the way that the saved person benefits from not just a passing knowledge of Gods word but a lack of a living relationship with the Lord that is available to those willing to walk by the spirit so they will not fulfill the list of the flesh.
I have heard of some prominent “pastors” who scoff at the study of the scriptures for Doctrine and smirk that biblical doctrine “divides”….could it be they set the Word aside because it would expose their gnostic experiential activities for the false doctrine that they serve the unlearned sheep?
The social gospel has also finctioned by a “fairness” and “niceness” gauge which also denies the need for walking by the spirit and upright so as to avoid snares and to avoid bring shame to the name of our Lors
Why deny the temptation of sin if nothing happens
For a number of reasons I have observed there is little hope in going to a pastor whose church does not operate with any scriptural application along the lines of informing people of what can be expected in their church if adultery brings about exposure of sin ….at the very least.
The fear some seem to have to appear to be too severe in this time of revelry of debauchery being celebrated and thus losing the paying parishioners…..seems to have effected those who are presuming to lead in His name
This is not just sad to see but a huge deal as those who stand in the pulpit will give account in even a more responsible way before he Lord
Also as the betrayed it is little comfort to seek some kind of wisdom and good counsel when this kind of unscriptural dealing with those in adultery goes unchallenged to repent
Maybe people don’t know how to do this…then what are they doing as a leader among the Body?
What is deterring others from going on into sin when nothing seems to be the standard for obedience to the many exhortations in scripture to be holy…sanctified and remain Unspotted from the world
We see the judicial system being pretty ineffective when it comes to moral issues….my mom was an investigator for the DA s office for the paternity unit
Both men and women seem to have a pass when adultery is their exit plan or just a “lark” on the backs of the spouse and family…..and now the govt systems if their is no penalty for such sin
Scripture points to a time when people will say what is evil is “good” and what is good is “evil”
Looks like we have arrived sadly
And many who are kind are being seen as weak
Loving those who are enjoying sin only diggs their ditch deeper
Jesus demonstrated being a Good Samaritan by not applauding the man in the ditch and leaving him in sin but teaching us to teach what scripture says rightly dividing the words of truth.
There is no love without doctrine …reproof and correction of the Word of God which is instruction in righteousness
2 Tim 3:16,17
I
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing your insights. You have definitely put some thought into this important topic. Although there is much I could say about the topic in general, I will limit myself to adultery. I addressed many of these in the e-book “What the Bible says About Adultery, vol. 1” I already have ideas for volume 2, but have not started writing it yet. The story of the woman taken in adultery is very powerful, yet often misunderstood and the lessons misapplied to the point that churches no longer see adultery as a major concern.
My concern in the post is that many churches no longer take stands on this important matter. The focus on inclusion rather than on righteousness has left many lives in shambles. I have seen many people hurt by the compromises of many churches in this area. The infidel can be forgiven, yet churches still need church discipline.
Accepting unrepentant adulterers and refusing to speak out against adultery has led to many other compromises and confusion.
Best Regards,
Jeff