When They Have Not Ended the Affair

Lately a common theme I have been hearing from you readers is the dilemma of ‘how to handle things when the cheater has not ended the affair’. Discovery is bad enough, yet when you discover the affair and the cheater keeps it alive, it drags out the pain.

It is no surprise that images of pain and references to torture are used in describing such situations. The whole purpose of medieval torture devices was to maximize the infliction of pain, without bringing death. The most ingenious devices inflicted pain without doing permanent damage to the victim’s body.

When you look at affairs within that definition of torture, it sure meets the fits.

By not ending the affair, the cheater keeps the pain going. Whether it’s intentional or not, that’s what happens. I recognize that some cheaters go through a process of where they go from discovery to where they have to work up to ending the affair.

After ending the affair, the next step is going through the process of rejoining the marriage. Some cheaters fight that and drag things out. They may be avoiding rejoining the marriage more than delaying ending the affair.

The prospect of jumping back into a relationship where you did your spouse wrong is not something they want to do, especially if it feels like a war zone. This is why it’s so important to make sure your home is safe and free of hostility.

When cheaters intentionally drag things out on you, all they are doing is playing a version of the “uno mas” (one more) game. They want one more date, one more fling, one more whatever. It’s a misnomer saying that they are being indecisive with you. They are being plenty decisive. They are making a choice to keep the affair going.

I tell you this so that you can start being decisive yourself. When the affair is not ended, it puts you in an emotional and relational limbo. You are not sure if you are in the marriage or out of it.

You’re not sure if you are loved or hated. You’re put in a relationship holding pattern filled with insecurities. The problem with relationship holding patterns is that you only have a limited amount of fuel. There is only so much emotional energy you have.

When you have limited resources, you have to be selective on how you use them. The emotional energy you expend while in the holding pattern is that much less you will have for recovery and rebuilding your marriage.

I encourage you to hold the cheater accountable. They made the choice to have an affair. They can make choices. They also followed through on their choice to have an affair.

They have the capacity to follow through. For them to tell you “I’m not ready” or “I am not sure” are deceptive. In some cases, they are being deceptive with you, in others they are deceiving themselves.

Relationships require commitment. You jump in and make things work. Relationships like marriage don’t work by wading into the deep end of the pool.Given the nature of the issues in front of you, there is no wading. The two of you are already in the deep end of the pool.

What’s needed is commitment to the relationship. The two of you are either all in or out.

Ironically, the cheater already made a commitment to you when they married you. The real issue is not that they’re unprepared to commit, the real issue is that they are NOT honoring or following through on the commitments they have already made.

This may sound harsh, but in getting out of the limbo you are in, you need some harsh wake up call words. You need a way of cutting through the illusions and lies.

Ending the affair is best done quickly, suddenly and completely as possible. Any dragging out of the ending only strengthens the lovers grip along with giving them another opportunity to work their magic on your spouse.

I talk more about what the cheater needs to do in the video, “Cheater Recovery”. The video covers many of the areas needing change and why those areas are needed.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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