During recovery from an affair, you will have to face when and where to take stands. These are often uncomfortable situations for those of you not used to taking stands. Taking stands, in my mind is a part of confronting the cheater.
You may have already confronted them on the affair. Setting boundaries is a continuation of dealing with the affair. Setting boundaries is a way of getting down to the brass tacks of the affair relationship.
First, you have to start with some boundaries. Some of the boundaries you need concern your marriage and your home. These boundaries start with making it clear what you will not accept. Typically, it is that what you will NOT accept that is needed. The best way to start this is by saying “NO!”.
Depending on your situation, you may have to start by saying “NO!” in your head and then work up to expressing “NO!” regarding certain behaviors, attitudes or plans.
When you are not used to setting boundaries, this can be intimidating. The more you say “NO!”, the easier it will become.
One of the areas that often needs boundaries is your marriage. The preferred boundary is the one that separates you and your spouse from the lover. Your marriage relationship is distinctly different from relationships with other people.
Other boundaries you may want to consider concerns phone calls and when they happen. One example is no calls after 9 PM or whatever time works for you. If you can not set up a boundary that keeps the lover out of your life, you can at least strive to limit how much access they have to your spouse.
You will want to make sure that you are safe. This may include setting boundaries on sexual activity until the cheater has been checked out by a physician. This may also include insisting that the cheater use protection (not that you are condoning their activity. Protection from STD is important, along with a surprise love child.)
Another boundary you may want to consider is that of clothing and jewelry. Clothing and jewelry often send messages about whether a person is ‘available’. Even just the color can be enough to send signals about their availability. A red dress, thumb rings, toe rings or jewelry with a purple circle may be sending signals that are causing you trouble. Setting boundaries on how you and your spouse present yourselves in public may be a sensitive issue, but it is also an important one.
Also be aware of any jewelry your spouse may be wearing that may have been a ‘gift’ from the lover. Those gifts may look nice, but they also carry with them plenty of unwanted baggage. You are not being unrealistic in setting a boundary regarding gifts and jewelry from the lover.
I also think that you are not out of line in setting boundaries regarding social media activity. Many affairs have started with social media contacts or ‘old friends’ whose relationship is reignited. Rather than risk those things happening, some foresight in setting boundaries in this area can prevent some major problems.
The best time for setting boundaries is before the affair. That probably did not happen. Setting boundaries after infidelity is always more challenging. The cheater already violated their marriage vows to you, so the likelihood that they will abide by the boundaries you set are to be seen.
There are some spouses that like to test limits. They will want to see if you mean what you say. Be prepared to be tested in such cases. When you are tested, it is important to remain firm. They are testing not only the boundary, but also your resolve in enforcing the boundaries.
If you were unable to set boundaries before the affair, the next best time is as soon after finding out about the affair as possible. When in doubt…set boundaries.
This will get you started on when and where to take stands.
Best Regards,
Jeff
