You want to know the motivations behind the cheaters affair.That is logical. Somehow if you know what motivated them, you believe you can know what to do about your situation.
The problem is that when you ask them, they either ignore your question or claim they don’t know what made them do what they did. At that point, you find yourself frustrated.
In previous posts and ebooks, I have addressed the problem of unrealistic expectations (called the 111-expecation window). Although in addressing this topic, I focused on expectations regarding time, there are also unrealistic expectations in other areas.
Another area where you will find unrealistic expectations abound is that of ‘expecting the cheater to know their motivations’. In most cases, the affair is the culmination of a pattern of dysfunction.
Did I say ‘pattern of dysfunction?’. Yes! Going outside of your marriage for sexual activity is dysfunctional. A functional person would work through the issues in your marriage. If you think it is functional, then you are caught in their pattern of dysfunction.
One of the problems association with such ‘patterns of dysfunction’ is that the cheater does not want to view what they did as dysfunctional or wrong. They may regret getting caught or not telling you about it, but admitting that the whole process that culminated in the affair as dysfunctional is not one of those things that many cheaters will admit. Trying to force them to admit it, will only frustrate you.
There may even be denial on your part in not wanting to view it as a dysfunction as well. If they are dysfunctional, there is a good chance that your own functionality is not optional either.
Consider the recent news stories of Tullian Tchvidjian, Tori Spelling, or Miranda Lambert’s situations. They are filled with cover ups denials and rumors. Do you consider those healthy, functional behaviors?
That ‘pattern of dysfunction’ often begins with fantasies and thrives in hearts and minds that are unaware of their own emotions and motivations. If they were aware of these things, they could have stopped the affair prior to it happening. They are often happy in their limited awareness of their inner thoughts and emotions. (I am working on an upcoming webinar on Affair Relapse, where I will go into the ‘pattern of dysfunction’ in greater details).
They literally live a lifestyle where ‘ignorance is bliss”. Since they are unaware or unwilling to be aware of these things, they can claim “It just happened!” or “I don’t know what happened!” or “It got out of control!” and sincerely mean it. When a cheater is oblivious to their emotional drivers, they can claim they do not know what happened and mean it. They really are unaware of what their motivations are.
Developing an awareness of one’s motivations takes effort. Although many cheaters exert tremendous effort in plotting and planning the affair, or grooming the lover, they do not put forth similar effort in developing their own self-awareness.
Had they devoted effort in self-awareness, they would have known what triggered the affair fantasies, known their own emotions, developed self-control, strengthened their self-discipline and improved their emotional stability.
Such development not only takes time, it also removes their excuses. They can no longer claim ignorance when questions about “Why” or what motivated them having the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
